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CaroV

Friends Not Happy For Me?!? :(

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So, I recently got engaged and it's been an amazing couple of weeks sharing the news with our friends and family. However, I have a couple of friends and cousins whose reactions have been less than sympathetic. I'm not going to lie, it kind of hurts. Did anyone experience this as well? How did you deal with it?

 

In my case it's been 4 people in particular: 2 really close friends and potential bridesmaids (not friends with one another) who are still single. I get the feeling that being single is playing a part in their reaction but c'mon! If it was the other way around I would have been thrilled for them! And I have other single friends who are truly excited for me. So, what gives?

 

Now, for my cousins, we are about the same age, grew up together. I moved away 7 years ago and they have been distant since. I try to reach out to them often and whenever I go back home I try to see them. But it is always me making an effort. And I feel like relationships are a two way street. Don't you? Anyway, since I got engaged I haven't heard anything from them. Like, what the heck????

 

It just leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. For different reasons I consider these four people to be special to me and now I don't know if I should even bother with inviting them to the wedding, let alone being part of the wedding party. Any thoughts???

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@@CaroV! First of all, congrats on your engagement! So...now begins all the fun and not so fun parts. This, in particular, being one of the not so fun parts. I wish I could say this is a unique story, but most of us on here have similar stories!

 

In my case, I'm 34 and most of my friends got married 3-5 years ago and are all having babies. Literally none of them seem to care one ounce about my wedding. It is like weddings are SUCH old news. There have been MULTIPLE instances were I went to brunch or dinner with my friends and we spent 100% of the time talking about pregnancy, breast feeding, etc. and not once did anyone ask me how the wedding planning was going. I can't lie, it is hurtful because I bent over backwards to support them in their wedding planning and was nothing but excited for them. I don't think it is intentional, but still hurtful.

 

The worst is my sister. She also had a destination wedding 2 years ago and I did EVERYTHING for her from setting up her website to planning and paying for her bridal shower and bachelorette party all by myself. Until recently the only thing I heard from her about it was how much it was going to cost her to go, which I have no sympathy for since I traveled to Mexico for hers and spent thousands on her shower/bach party. I refuse to have a shower or bachelorette party so I'm saving her all of that fuss! She booked a month AFTER our booking deadline only because I forced her. Oh and we live a few miles apart and talk almost every day...just not about my wedding.

 

Then I have a whole other set of friends I invited that haven't even acknowledged the invitation or responded to ANY of my communications. At this point I get that they aren't coming, but why can't you just say so and congratulate me?! My fiance has NOT had this problem with his side of the invite list, so it stings even more that it is my crappy "friends."

 

Okay, now I'm just ranting! ALL THAT SAID, we are 84 days out from our wedding and we're focusing on those who are coming and who are excited about it. All that really matters in the end is that we get married and have some fun while we're at it. That I'm confident is exactly what will happen. It has damaged (or ended) some of my friendships, but I've inherited an amazing group of friends from my fiance that I know will be there for us the rest of our lives.

 

Try to stay focused on the positive things, brush off what you can, confront people on their B.S. when it is warranted...and happy planning ;)

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@@CaroV Congrats on your engagement and welcome to the forum :)

 

I had an extremely similar experience.. I even lost a friend/bridesmaid over it all. She had gotten engaged months before and it seemed that she was maybe jealous? i'm not sure, but it didn't end very well.

 

It was really hard because when my FI and I got engaged it was bittersweet. We had a lot of amazing and supportive people in our lives, but we also had a lot of downers and I accredit it to them being unhappy with their own situation. I honestly never expected anyone else to be over the moon or feel the same way that I felt (for obvious reasons - no one is ever going to be as excited or happy as the two people who just got engaged), but I came to the realization that when big things like this happen, you often figure out who your true friends are and who has been faking their happiness for you.

 

I lost two friends in the process of getting engaged.. one of them was a bigger disappointment than the other, but i'm at peace with it now. I'd rather not have anyone unsupportive there during the biggest day of my life. I just wish I knew sooner.. that's all!

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@@CaroV! First of all, congrats on your engagement! So...now begins all the fun and not so fun parts. This, in particular, being one of the not so fun parts. I wish I could say this is a unique story, but most of us on here have similar stories!

 

In my case, I'm 34 and most of my friends got married 3-5 years ago and are all having babies. Literally none of them seem to care one ounce about my wedding. It is like weddings are SUCH old news. There have been MULTIPLE instances were I went to brunch or dinner with my friends and we spent 100% of the time talking about pregnancy, breast feeding, etc. and not once did anyone ask me how the wedding planning was going. I can't lie, it is hurtful because I bent over backwards to support them in their wedding planning and was nothing but excited for them. I don't think it is intentional, but still hurtful.

 

The worst is my sister. She also had a destination wedding 2 years ago and I did EVERYTHING for her from setting up her website to planning and paying for her bridal shower and bachelorette party all by myself. Until recently the only thing I heard from her about it was how much it was going to cost her to go, which I have no sympathy for since I traveled to Mexico for hers and spent thousands on her shower/bach party. I refuse to have a shower or bachelorette party so I'm saving her all of that fuss! She booked a month AFTER our booking deadline only because I forced her. Oh and we live a few miles apart and talk almost every day...just not about my wedding.

 

Then I have a whole other set of friends I invited that haven't even acknowledged the invitation or responded to ANY of my communications. At this point I get that they aren't coming, but why can't you just say so and congratulate me?! My fiance has NOT had this problem with his side of the invite list, so it stings even more that it is my crappy "friends."

 

Okay, now I'm just ranting! ALL THAT SAID, we are 84 days out from our wedding and we're focusing on those who are coming and who are excited about it. All that really matters in the end is that we get married and have some fun while we're at it. That I'm confident is exactly what will happen. It has damaged (or ended) some of my friendships, but I've inherited an amazing group of friends from my fiance that I know will be there for us the rest of our lives.

 

Try to stay focused on the positive things, brush off what you can, confront people on their B.S. when it is warranted...and happy planning ;)

Very well said! And I completely agree!

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When I got engaged two years ago, one of my roommates didn't acknowledge it in any way, shape, or form.  No congratulations, no asking to see the ring, nothing! I'm not saying you have to turn cartwheels and throw me a party, but just completely avoiding the topic is just awkward!  I'm pretty certain it was out of jealousy on her part (it feels stuck up to say that, but you gotta call 'em like you see 'em)...she has this super specific life plan where she wanted to be engaged her junior year of college, married a year out of college, and babies by 25. Well, my life so happens to be following the first two steps of that plan (but not the babies part, saving that til I'm 30!) and she has yet to have her first boyfriend. It really sucks when people can't be happy for your because they're not happy with their own situation.

 

I ended up not inviting her to my wedding. In my eyes, if you've never even ACKNOWLEDGED the fact that I'm engaged, to the point where you're almost pretending not to even know about it, I don't see why I should invite you. That being said, she also wasn't/isn't one of my very best friends, and I won't be devastated if this ruins the distant friendship we have post-college.

 

That being said, if I were you, I would probably still invite these people to your wedding, especially your family members, because that can just get awkward and make you seem like the bad guy to the rest of your family for not inviting them. That way, you're the bigger person, showing them that you're still willing to make an effort to preserve your relationships, even if they're being jerks (and I'm sure they KNOW they're being jerks)....but I wouldn't ask them to be in your wedding party.  They obviously haven't earned that honor, and again, I'm sure they're well aware of it.

 

But if you really don't want them there and think it will ruin your day, don't invite them!  At the end of the day, you get to call the shots :)

Edited by rachelia160
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@@CaroV CONGRATS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!!! To be honest I think this is a common thing with all brides to be. I have and still am going through the same thing not with friends but with family. Which at one point really annoyed and made me beyond upset . I honestly think we all imagine our engagement and wedding day to be a certain way and in reality nothing is as we imagine. :/ But this shouldn't be about how anyone else feels or how others aren't jumping over the moon for you. this moment and the moment of your marriage should just be about you and your FI. :) You're going to marry your best friend! and truly that's all that should matter. I know its easier said than done because I went through it and picked myself up slowly. but when you get to the point that you are just happy for yourself ... it will not matter who is or isn't happy for you. :) Best of Luck planning!!!!

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Well said, @@beckys98

 

I think most of us on here have been hurt in one way or another.  I won't repeat my dramatic story once more, but someone who I thought was my bestfriend didn't even acknowledge my engagement or want to be involved in anything - I tried a couple times, confronted her to make amends on whatever the issue was, and then tried one more time and walked away.

 

It's been almost a year - I got engaged April 1, 2014 and I easily haven't talked to her for 10 months and I am A-OK with that. I accepted that it happened for whatever reason she had, that I tried, and that I walked away from the drama.  I don't regret it for one moment.

 

good luck and hugs!

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I know I'm a little late to this, but I'm experiencing the exact same thing. My (former) best friend has barely acknowledged my engagement or shown any interest in my wedding.

 
She's in an unhealthy relationship and deep down, I know she isn't happy. They've been together 3 years and haven't said I love you yet, his family doesn't know about her, he gets mad when the talk of marriage or kids comes up, etc. She's 3 years older than me, so I guess even though she's in an unhealthy relationship, she should still be getting married first?

I texted her Christmas morning, showing her a picture of my ring and al she said was "Wow...congrats"   EVERYTHING I post on Facebook, she ignores, when we do still occasionally talk, any time the wedding comes up, she'll quickly change the subject.  A handful of our friends are also engaged and getting married and she'll talk about THEIR weddings, show excitement for them, etc but is totally cold to me about my engagement and wedding. It's extremely hurtful and disappointing. I thought she was my best friend. Even if she clearly has her own issues to deal with, she could still try to be happy for me. It's not my fault she's in an unhealthy relationship and not happy. 
 
I'm really hurt and sad that she can't share in my excitement and purposely avoids talking to me or acknowledging my wedding or engagement, but I'm trying to tell myself, it's her issue at the end of the day.  Everyone else is happy for us and excited, and as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters.

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