I'm sorry you have to go through that!
My FI isn't concerned about the cost (we both have enough money put away and we are paying for things as we go instead of dropping money into savings regularly like we do). His family is also give us 5k to help. However, I mentioned the highest budget of 18k all in and he kind of got pale!
To be honest, in our relationship I am the one that panics about money. I grew up in family of spenders and we were always scrapping by. So I'm pretty tight. Everyone else is trying to convince me just to do the little extra - like my dress was $250 over what I was hoping to spend.... I'm super happy with it but had a hard time deciding based on costs.
But we're doing this as affordably as we can - I'm DIY the centrepieces/decor to save costs. We will do gift bags for our guests but will likely go to a dollar store to get acrylic cups (or order stadium cups) and just do a waterproof sticker ourselves for it. I won't buy my BM dresses, hair or make-up (hair and make-up for a beach wedding can be casual) but I will likely give them each a personal robe and some jewellery (maybe sandals too) for the wedding.
Where I panic is our guest list - we have a large list (68 invited) and just had 7 people we didn't think would come RSVP. I've budgeted for the full list to show up, but it doesn't mean I don't get anxious.
And the little costs drive me crazy - I forget about buying rings, paying for our license etc.
I think you FI likely missed the big picture moving along - you discussed the costs and agreed, but it seems like he didn't keep a running tally in his head - everything separate sounds 'reasonable'. Its only after its all added up that it gets ridiculous.
It does seem a bit late to start taking stuff off - I am guessing most of your 'splurge' items are already ordered, and that your BMs know that you are paying for them to do hair make-up! Unless he wants to downgrade your room at the resort for 2 weeks, or cancel the second week, or just stay 10 days, it looks like a tough fix
It sounds like you are still within an affordable budget with what you each are putting in. I would take extra care to spend no more and every money discussion you remind him of the running tally.
And this too will pass!!! What is done is done and you will weather it together - that's the whole point of marriage! Not always pleasant, but you'll get it figured.
I agree that sometimes your upbringing has a lot to do with it.
I was a single mom for years and I learned how to pinch and save so we could have all that we do, plus have the luxeries of travel and the like. My fiance has never been married and isn't a parent so it was hard for him to give up his cheques to save for our wedding, etc. It was a major adjustment for him and I think that is where his stress comes from when he feels 'broke'. I think my stress comes from looking at the numbers, thinking of the budget, not wanting to 'charge' anything, and the like because I have lived tight and worked myself out of debt and swore I'd never do it again.
It's a tough balance but one newlyweds have to adjust too, work together at, and come up with some solutions/tactics/ideas to get thru it and move forward in their partnership. We are all about to become one and these are things we will deal with a lot. Doesn't make it any easier, this I know, but I guess it's our first lesson in marriage
Hugs to everyone!