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Long story - Advice needed


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#21 beachbride08

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    Posted 24 October 2007 - 09:16 PM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by shannon
    I definitely say send the STD- that way it's off your shoulders- you did what you could... the ball is in their court.
    I'm in a kinda similar situation- my parents don't approve of my and my FI's interracial relationship -we've dated for 10 years- and lived together for the past 4- and they've never met him- refused. I sent them a STD- and will send them an invitation- I have told then over letters/email- that I do not want them there if they can't be supportive and truly happy that their daughter is happy- that they will receive all the information -but I only want them there if they can figure out a way by May to support my decision, the person I love, and my marriage. Honestly, I would rather them not come- but I figure for future grandchildren, etc- that I would at least send the information and tell them they are welcome if they can be supportive- maybe your FI can have a similar convo with his brother.... Good luck! Let us know how it goes... Believe me, I know how awful family drama can be.... Just focus on you and your FI in the meantime! :)
    I hope everything works out with you parents and that they will come to the wedding. How awful, best of luck!

    Quote:
    IMO-I say send the STD and really do it because you want all your family there, not to show them you are taking the higher road.
    You should remember men can be very sensitive when it comes to money issues, and it really sounds like he is being defensive and using a differnt excuse to not discuss his financial status.
    Your FI should write a heartfelt letter (no emotional face to face outbursts) to his brother and let him know he understands he has to put his children first, but will miss having him near in a very special time in his life. Maybe once everyone calms down, perhaps FBIL will realize family is there to support him and he should try his best to support your FI in his (your) wedding. As far as the wife- sometimes a woman has to stick by her man.
    Another route to take would be to have a frank talk with the wife and maybe get to the root of the problem- also, suggest leaving the kids behind as a way to have a romantic getaway- even if it is just a long weekend. Appeal to her romantic side, she might start thinking bout all the other great reasons to go (other than your wedding of course) hehe!
    After the first blow up, I called FI's sister-in-law to talk and she never called me back. According to my FMIL she said she wants to go to wedding, but she is very two-faced so I can't believe anything she says anyway (the sister-in-law, not the FMIL). She has never cared for FI's family and told FI's parents she did not want them speaking Italian to her kids because she doesn't understand and feels they will be talking about her (FI's parents speak some English, but are originally from Italy, FI and his brothers are fluent). I mean really you couldn't have picked a better couple since they are both nuts IMO! The FBIL made another comment today to FMIL so FI is still on the fence about the STD. I'll keep you posted as the saga continues. I'm glad I am leaving for Vegas in a couple days-I need to get out of here!
    Michelle

    #22 MikkiStreak

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      Posted 25 October 2007 - 12:26 AM

      If you don't send the STD/invite, it will always been viewed that they were the victims because you chose not to invite them. If you do send it, it will reflect on THEM, and well it should!

      As for the other behavior- I think a lot of times people get caught up in the idea that we're ALWAYS suppose to be polite and nice and not offend people, to the point that we let other people mistreat us and/or walk all over us. Well, I think there's a huge difference between being polite and respectful while standing your ground, and becoming a welcome mat for every bad behavior people exhibit.

      You have the right to draw the line of unacceptable behavior and it sounds like now is the right time. This may sound strange, but I've done this multiple times with people in my life and I'm telling you- it works! You have to 'train' them how to behave by forcing them to deal with their own issues instead of using you both as a dumping ground for their emotions.

      I have a brother who used to behave like this with me, almost daily. There was always something I was doing that pissed him off, and he always thought he should be the one to tell me the 'right' way of living my life. For the longest time, I took it---- but eventually I realized that he was unloading on me and that by keeping my silence about it, I wound up feeling like shit while he wound up feeling a little better. After that realization came the thought that he is responsible for his life and emotions, and I am for mine. From that, behavior changed.

      It's kind of amusing to me now, looking back--- but basically I had to "train" him, kind of like how I train my dogs. Ignore the bad behavior and reward the good. Anytime he tried to unload on me, I would simply give him one sentence that would summarize my position (ie: "We would love for you to attend the wedding, but we respect the reasons why you don't feel it's an option for you."). Anything he would say after that, was ignored. If he really got pushy about it, I would just tell him one last thing--- "You don't get to play a part in my decisions and if you don't like it, that's fine, but I don't want to hear it." Then I'd walk away. Anytime the subject was mentioned after that, I would just walk away. Anytime the subject matter dealt with something else, I would participate.

      This is how I take the "high road" now. And it works. It takes awhile for people to get used to it, but in the long run--- my life is so much better for it. It's not my responsibility to make decisions that make life easier for everyone else and it's not my responsibility to change so others feel better about their own involvement.

      #23 Copita

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        Posted 25 October 2007 - 08:21 AM

        Send them a STD and invite anyway, since no matter what, they are family and will always be a part of your lives.

        Whether they choose to go or not is their issue. You told them from the beginning that it is what you guys wanted. If they cannot or choose not to go, it's not your fault at all.

        The thing about destination weddings is, not everyone can go, and sometimes that is why we prefer it (for me that is totally the case). If I did it here at home, there would be about 500 people to invite (hella large family). But over there, we are only inviting 150 to our DR wedding.

        p.s. I'm an Iberostar bride, too! :)

        #24 Dbell

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          Posted 25 October 2007 - 08:27 AM

          I agree with the ohers to send the STD. At the end of the day you still need to feel good about yourselves and your choice to have your wedding anywhere you want. Let him be the one who chooses to exclude himself.

          #25 babycow

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            Posted 25 October 2007 - 08:32 AM

            Michelle- Sending the STD would be the "proper" thing to do, but in the end it is up to you and your FI and the way your FBIL+wife have acted is anything but proper.
            Nobody can say you didn't try. Don't let it take any more of your time and go and enjoy your Vegas trip. Have fun!

            Maria-Great advice for dealing with difficult people.
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            Erica and Tim
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            #26 beachbride08

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              Posted 26 October 2007 - 08:02 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by TiffJT
              If they're acting like this now are you even sure you want them there? Are you having a reception at home? If so, maybe you could send an STD to that saying you understand they can't make it to the wedding, but don't want one day to ruin a lifetime relationship. Look on the brightside, you're getting to test out how the two of you will work out family issues before you're hitched.:) After you're married it'll be who's hosting Christmas, who bought whose kid a better birthday gift so it never ends. My sympathies!
              I'm glad you said that, because I really don't think I do want him to come to the wedding if he does change his mind considering the way he's been acting. I think his brother has his own issues that he needs to work on, and he is just using my FI as a punching bag.

              Quote:
              Send them a STD and invite anyway, since no matter what, they are
              family and will always be a part of your lives.

              Whether they choose to go or not is their issue. You told them from the
              beginning that it is what you guys wanted. If they cannot or choose
              not to go, it's not your fault at all.

              The thing about destination weddings is, not everyone can go, and
              sometimes that is why we prefer it (for me that is totally the case). If I
              did it here at home, there would be about 500 people to invite (hella
              large family). But over there, we are only inviting 150 to our DR
              wedding.

              p.s. I'm an Iberostar bride, too! :)
              I have an extremely large family as well which is one of the main reasons I wanted a DW. I rarely if ever speak to most of my extended family, however, if we had the wedding at home I would feel obligated to invite everyone. I really didn't want or could afford to have a large wedding here so having a DW where we knew not everyone would be able to come, let alone having a beach wedding in a beautiful location was the way to go. We just never thought his brother would act like this. It was one thing if he just said in a normal manner that he couldn't come, but another to act and say the other things that he did. FI was actually anticipating his other brother not coming and he has been all for it from the beginning.

              Which Iberostar are you getting married at?
              Michelle

              #27 vale

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                Posted 27 October 2007 - 06:11 AM

                I too think you should send STD and invitation. If you didn't, if he was that way inclined, he could use it as ammunition for future arguments. Its your day do what you two want and enjoy it. I have said, for my wedding, as long as husband to be, and our three children are there, anyone else would be a bonus.

                Valerie




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