Jump to content

Anyone else about ready to call it all off?


Recommended Posts

So we decided last night we don't want this HUGE wedding this is all turning into. We made a small list (max 19 people), of our immediate family and closest friends. We only want them to come with us..... and we have agreed to do a big at home reception a few weeks later, since it matters so much to our parents that we celebrate with all of these people.

 

FI's parents are all in- sat down with us last night, and helped us come up with the best way to do it (most cost effective for our guests), cost effective for us... and allows us to have the small, intimate wedding we do desperately want. No fuss, no reception after- just a small dinner on the beach. No big welcome bonfire, no fire show after, no lounge chairs.... nothing. Just us, our guests, a videography and out photographer.

 

We will play the video of the ceremony at the reception, so everyone can see us say our vows to one another.... and then we will have a huge party with all of our families, friends, and parents friends.

 

My hardest part at the moment? Telling this to my parents..... they are going to FLIP OUT, say they don't care, they will pay for all of these people to come to Mexico, blah blah blah.

 

I just don't know how I am going to get it across to them, that they either accept this (as I was pretty close to not showing up at my own wedding because of the copious amount of stress and hatred I was feeling about this day).... or Amir and I go and do it, just the two of us, and we don't have any kind of celebration. My mom sells my dress, and that's it. They won't be invited (to our legal ceremony or Mexico), and we do it just the two of us. I am not impressed that our nice, simple, intimate DW turned into this elaborate, full-on huge wedding of 80 people (mostly our parents invites) coming to Mexico.

 

Please, someone tell me I'm not alone. This is absolutely normal, to turn into hating the wedding other people were forcing you in to.... and having to play hardball to get your way, even at the risk of not even having anyone there at all?

 

Why.... why is something so special, and supposed to be such a happy day, turning into a nightmare... and now me having to have an EXTREMELY difficult conversation with my parents (in which I will be told I am ruining all of their relationships with their siblings and friends).

 

hissyfit.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alright, so had the discussion with my parents. My Dad is on board, and understands that we want to have the wedding that we want- small, intimate, with our closest friends and family. He understands that we don't want the big show, and that while yes, the ceremony is just "symbolic", that it means something to us to just have a small group there with us.

 

My Mom on the other hand, is very good at inserting snide, insulting comments, even when she is saying nothing at all. I tell them that we are cutting it all back, only having parents, siblings and close friends coming. First, she says its insulting I'm not inviting my grandparents (Dad's side)... which i will give her. We added them in. My Grandma (Mom's side) has already said she is not coming at all, and Amir doesn't have any grandparents who are still with us.

 

Secondly, she tells me that I NEED to call all those people and explain to them why they are no longer invited to our wedding. FUNNY, I haven't INVITED anyone... she did. So no, I will not do that. Like they both keep saying to me, the wedding is soooooo far away, so no invites or STD's have gone out. No one outside of who we specifically have told should know anything. She was the one who went and invited all of her friends before we were even back from our vacation where we got engaged. All of these people will be invited to our reception when we get home. And if they are insulted that we didn't invite them to our ceremony, and don't want to come, fine. Those who understand, accept and still want to celebrate with us will be there.

 

Ohh, what else did she say... oh yes, because we are cutting everything back and not having a reception after the ceremony (just a small private dinner on the beach), why am I even bothering to do it at all. There's nothing special about any of it...

 

WHY DOES A WEDDING HAVE TO BE A SHOW? Is it not about us as a couple? Is it not about those who have been an active part in our relationship spending time with us, and being there to witness this next chapter in our lives? We aren't here to entertain people... we are doing this to celebrate the love we have for each other, not put on a spectacle for other people. Oh yes, she also said people won't spend money and travel just for a reception, because people only go to wedding's to see the vows..... and even though we will be videotaping our vows and showing it at the reception.... no one will come for that. FINE. Then it means we don't have an AHR because if no one wants to come to it because they are insulted they didn't come to the ceremony. We must be the first people ever in the history of weddings to ask people to come to a reception and not the ceremony.

 

Oh yes, and I said that I have been so stressed out over this wedding turning into what I didn't want that I haven't been sleeping well. What does my Mom do, bright and early this morning at 7:50... sends me a text saying good morning. Did you sleep better last night?

 

Passive- aggressive BS. Mother's Day is coming at quite the challenging time this year, as I really am not up for fakeness this weekend with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ugh the passive-aggressive BS is the worst! I had to deal with a bit of that in the beginning as well, though not to your extent. Both my parents as well as my FIs parents did the same thing of telling everyone to pack their bags and get ready for Mexico before I even picked a resort, and like you, complained once I said there's no way we're inviting all of their friends, and friend's friends, and 5th cousins etc.. I think everyone just gets so excited initially and forgets that its not about them. What worked for me was just sticking to my guns and saying "this is whose coming, that's it" over and over again.  It's so annoying to have to deal with, but hopefully they'll eventually get it. And it is in no way your responsibility to contact the people that they already told to come, that's their mess that they created!

 

Honestly, the guest list situation was the absolute worst part of the planning process. I don't think any single thing had made me so mad/resentful. Stick to your guns, give them some freedom to help plan the AHR, and start enjoying this whole engagement/wedding planning time!! 

 

Best of luck!! I'm always open for a good "venting" sesh, so let me know how things turn out :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Originally Posted by UMassRN007 View Post

 

Ugh the passive-aggressive BS is the worst! I had to deal with a bit of that in the beginning as well, though not to your extent. Both my parents as well as my FIs parents did the same thing of telling everyone to pack their bags and get ready for Mexico before I even picked a resort, and like you, complained once I said there's no way we're inviting all of their friends, and friend's friends, and 5th cousins etc.. I think everyone just gets so excited initially and forgets that its not about them. What worked for me was just sticking to my guns and saying "this is whose coming, that's it" over and over again.  It's so annoying to have to deal with, but hopefully they'll eventually get it. And it is in no way your responsibility to contact the people that they already told to come, that's their mess that they created!

 

Honestly, the guest list situation was the absolute worst part of the planning process. I don't think any single thing had made me so mad/resentful. Stick to your guns, give them some freedom to help plan the AHR, and start enjoying this whole engagement/wedding planning time!! 

 

Best of luck!! I'm always open for a good "venting" sesh, so let me know how things turn out :)

 

Thank you!

 

Yes, the gust list thing is quite difficult. But we also cut out some friends to minimize our list this round, and that was tough. But since we are only officially inviting 21 people..... I will give them the big AHR to celebrate. Though now that I have mandated it, I am sure my Mom will say she won't contribute anything towards it, which is fine. But then I'm not inviting the "friend" extras she had on her list, just our family and will absorb that cost if need be. FI's parents are all on board, and want to do the AHR more than some lavish affair in Mexico. Which is a HUGE relief to me... and it makes me happy that I can now invite some "fringe" friends to our reception that I would have liked to invite to our wedding in Mexico, but didn't because we were keeping it small.

 

And to be quite honest Mother, I did sleep quite well. I actually slept through the whole night! Granted, my dreams weren't all that impressive (had a dream FI and I got into a huge fight over wedding stuff AGAIN).... so thanks for that Mom, but otherwise, I felt rested, finally, when I woke up. I redid our budget, and wow, crazy how much everything dropped! Our budget went from $36 grand, to now $14.... and that includes out trip, pre trip shopping costs, passport renewal, legal ceremony, photography for 3 hours plus a ttd session...

 

I know our AHR will be costly, but if we can keep it under 20 grand, I will be REALLY happy. I am really hoping it won't be as much as that, not nearly as much as that. It's my absolute worst case scenario.... and that's for about 150 people. And if my parents dont want to put anything in, fine, then its less people, less cost.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with UMASSR007, you have to stick to your guns and be firm. it is about you and your fiance , your parents need to start respecting your decisions and planning a wedding is the perfect test and way to set some boundaries. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

Wow Jenny2014! You are my new hero. I wish I had read this when I was in the beginning stages.  My FI Mom wants to invite all their friends...there's even a long lost cousin that my FI hasn't seen/spoke to in 30 years that she invited by phone. Thats when I lost it. I kindly explained to her that our invites were being sent out to those people we want & if anyone else comes, so be it, but I can't be expected to "take care of" all these people. She didn't hear me obviously.  After all, me & FI ar footing the bill for everything except the guests flights/hotel. I feel like I got railroaded into all these guests & left holding the bag :( Jenny2014... you go girl! lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 6 months later...

Our wedding is still going to be the 18th of September. But after change after change, there will only be about 24 of us, at a new resort, and we are only going to host a casual drinks and appetizers reception at a local restaurant after. Amir's brother and his girlfriend are pregnant and due about a month before we leave for PV, so I know my inlaws will be giving us no help now. Given that we made these plans before all this and didnt invite people because we were having an at home thing, we will now be footing the majority of that bill :( oh well, life is what it is!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long is your reception after your ceremony?  Like you, we are having a smallish (20-25 people) destination wedding with an hour long reception with drinks and appetizers.   I can't seem to stop worrying though that its not "enough" for everyone who is traveling to celebrate with us.  Have you heard any negativity about the non typical reception?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Its YOUR wedding day. I feel like it's 100% up to you and what YOU want. It's unfortunate but no matter what you choose to do, you will never be able to satisfy every single person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share



  • Best Destination Wedding Sponsors



    Facebook Pinterest Google+ Twitter
  • Posts

    • The two people who matters the most in this situation? You and your partner. It is nice to get an outside opinion but if you have too much of it? It will get messy! I am replying you my response after that has happened to me with my wedding. Although it is quite hard, do not think of the negative opinions. The people who will turn up to your wedding? You will always cherish them even more! That is what has happened with me because my friendship with the people who attended my wedding has improved so much more that I know I can rely on them and they can rely on me. It is disappointing that people will not attend your wedding but it is their loss, not yours. At the end of the day, when they see pictures and videos of your big day they will definitely regret missing out on such event. I am waiting to deal with the aftermath of my wedding from my so called friends, if they say anything they will get an earful! Happy planning, your big day will be worth it! Keep us up to date!
    • Wow, I cannot believe it's been over a year since I last posted! Better keep everyone up to date as everything ended up positive in the end! So, let's start with the situation with W. From my previous post, I have serious consideration removing him from the groomsmen because of the hurtful things he has said to me. Not too after my second post, I asked him once again whether he wants to be part of the groomsmen. The response was around the lines of "I need more solid information". This was before the restriction were lifted. Then he said it was down to finances yet again, even though he said he could have made it but because of what A said, W didn't commit no more. As W was being difficult, I decided to drop him as a groomsmen altogether and replaced him with someone else. Plan B was already in motion and tbh, I wish I did this first to avoid any hassle. Everyone who got invited in plan B all committed themselves to the wedding!  The situation with A is this. I was feeling sad that I was losing this friendship and that spark with him was gone. By the time it was gone, A was "ready" to meet up with me to discuss life and the wedding. When I said I lost spark with him, I really did. I knew that he was ready to meet up with me because it was convenient for him. For example, he wanted to meet up with me because he was driving past my house or was in the area visiting his relative. If he was not doing those things he would not want to meet up with me. Needless to say, every time he kept asking, I just said I was busy. I think deep down something was not right between me and A but he does not want to acknowledge it. I know that W had FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) because that's what he is like. Around the end of last year, rather than messaging me about the DW he went behind my back and asked my SO. He was scared of asking me because he knows if he asked me, I would literally get angry at him. He's nosey and was happy enough to be part of the groomsmen but he listened to A. W didn't asked once but twice to mg SO. My SO just said that she was busy and should ask me about the wedding, not her. W did messagee but not about the wedding plans. I felt this was a sly move by his part. If anything not having A and W there was a blessing in disguise. I met up with the other 4 groomsmen over one weekend and it turns out it was the most fun we all have had for a while. It was as if we continued from the previous conversations in the past as if nothing has changed. I am so glad and proud of this group of groomsmen and glad the other 2 dropped out. The suit fitting went really well and we hung out again to see whether the suits altered fitted or not.  Unfortunately my SO UK group, 5 out of 6 declined the invite. Only 1 accepted it. The other 5 had reasons ranging from good ones to poorer ones 😅 As long one of them turned up then it was good enough for us. My SO's bridesmaids also were amazing. No problems caused whatsoever and they were really excited that our wedding was abroad too! To make things work out before our DW, myself and SO planned out 2 weekends for both groomsmen and bridesmaids to hang out before the DW. We did this so we would not encounter any awkwardness for the first time in DW. Lo and behold, everyone got to know each other and we really are happy that the wedding party weekend went smoothly. I will keep this ambiguous because I do not want A and his group finding out. I got married to my SO this year. What time and month? I will leave this intentionally blank. The wedding itself was everything we have expected. The wedding planner was amazing. The photographer was also amazing too, so glad we went for him. The sneak peak photos are absolutely great, couldn't imagine that the photos turned out like that. The good itself was okay could be better but could be worse. The first dance went relatively well although my SO managed to cock up s move which only I know hahahaha. The wedding ceremony itself went really quickly. I was a bag of nerves to which one of the groomsmen bought the groomsmen a shot each to calm everyone down. It did calm me down for a little bit but the nerves started again with the speeches. I got emotional throughout the speeches. I was not expecting the tear up with the best man speech at all. My speech was meant for my SO but for some reason everyone in the room also cried as well 😂 The all night dancing and fun was the best bit. When every serious part was done, I was able to stop being nervous! The fun went through the whole night and I can see everyone really enjoyed themselves. It was as if myself and SO correctly guess that lockdown restrictions would end. Everyone was thankful that they managed to take part in the DW because they all have been stranded in the country for 3 years! Do I regret having a DW? Hell no! Although it was a smaller party everything was all under control. Everyone had a great time!  More information about my UK group. Some of them congratulated us which was nice to hear. Those congratulated us, I can keep contact. They knew it was difficult coming to DW. At least they are mature enough to say something about it and they did not get the invite. On the other hand, A and W kept constantly monitoring my account for updates along with my SO. It got to the point that W really FOMO that he I followed our stories/posts. A on the other hand is completely out of order. He was invited to DW but made it really uncomfortable to me that he was not happy with DW. During that week, he went on holiday to Spain. I get that Spain is much more cheaper than my DW but it still is annoying. A also said before that he has a few weddings to attend during our DW month. He has not attended any weddings which makes me think that he has lied to me. A and W has lied to me saying it was costly for them to come to my DW. They have both bought PlayStation 5 and went to many designer outlets. If they are so stumped on money why go and buy things? It just shows that they are not good friends at all. Overall good DW. I do not regret it one bit because I know if I did it in the UK, the experience will be a lot different. The UK definitely not as scenic as my DW! 🤣    
    • Hi ! Myself and partner got engaged 7 months ago and we quite quickly asked our friends who we wanted in our wedding party (e.g bridesmaids, MOH and best men etc) who all agreed. After searching many English venues we have decided that we want to marry abroad, our dream is Mexico. We have been and priced this up today and we are incredibly happy. So we have put this forward to our friends and family who we really want there and now we are facing issues. My MOH and my partners Best man are together with a child, they now will not come unless we change to Spain or Greece. My brother, his wife and nephew can only come in one set week which isn't the time we want to marry and also will not come to Mexico. And both our Grandmother's won't come to Mexico.   What do we do? Do we carry on and go to Mexico with the people who will come or do we change our dreams and go to Spain or Greece?  Thoughts please, I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to marry as I'm fed up of friends and family ruining our ideas and dreams with their opinions. 
    • What purpose does a ring actually have? I think they look nice, but to me, wearing a ring doesn’t mean a damn thing. I’m engaged. I’m in a happy, healthy and strong relationship. And to be fully honest if you are ever in a relationship that you’d be willing to risk because of the price of an engagement ring, your partner could do better.
    • My name is Marshall and I’m getting married in Punta Cana in June I am in search of a rabbi could you please help me
  • Topics

×
×
  • Create New...