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brecluse

am I being a bitch? (really long sorry)

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My BFF is married and this summer she had an affair with someone and she told her husband because they were basically busted and he was going to find out anyway. Her husband is telling her he's going to kick her out after my wedding and she'd worried she's going to lose everything and she says she doesn't want to end her marriage even though she has feelings for this other guy too.

 

However she and the other guy keep seeing each other (and yes screwing when the opportunity presents itself which isn't often I guess but still) and she really wants to keep her "friendship" with him, though she admits they can't be just friends anymore. He has made it plain that he doesn't want to lose his wife and he's doing what he can (lying basically) to get back into the good graces of his wife.

 

I've been telling my BFF that she needs to walk away from him because he's using her, and that if he truly cared for her he would either make a commitment to be with her or he'd let her go because what they are doing is just prolonging the suffering for everyone involved. I also tell they can't go on sneaking around to spend time together forever, they'll get caught again and that isn't going to help change her hubby's mind about divorcing her. She agrees with me yet has failed to separate herself from the situation.

 

So he starts texting me today (got my # off her phone). I have no idea why because I basically let him have it. I told him he needs to either leave my BFF or his wife, and that he and my BF need start acting like adults. His come back is that it's so much more complicated than that and really marriage is evil. WTF? I totally unload on him and my BFF and tell them both they are just making excuses and they need to take responsibility for their actions. Am I being totally unreasonable?

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No, i think you are completely right. But, that's just my opinion.

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Wow. First off, how did she meet this dude? He could be a lunatic!

No I don't think you're being a bitch at all. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, sorry I'm not much help, but it's a complicated one.

I think you're handling it the right way by telling your BF that she needs to make a decision. They do need to start acting like adults. If they really feel like they don't love their spouses anymore, then they need to tell them. If they do love them then that's just wrong.

Keep us posted, I'd love to hear how this turns out.

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She met him at work, she and her husband own a bar and he "owns" the pool league (I don't really understand this) so they met that and then they played in the league together as well.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by brecluse View Post
She met him at work, she and her husband own a bar and he "owns" the pool league (I don't really understand this) so they met that and then they played in the league together as well.
Ah so alcohol probably played a factor, not that it's an excuse.
So does her husband know this guy?

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What a horrible situation. I don't think you are being a bitch - I think you are right. However, it sounds like these two just can't get their shit together, and I would say you don't need their drama in your life. If your BFF asked for your advice & chose not to follow it, what more can you do? It sucks watching friends dig a big old hole for themselves.

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can I also add here that I think you have spoken your peace and you should tell her to not include you in this problem anymore (eventually she will beging to resent you somehow, I know it doesn't seem possible, but I had a friend whom I couldn't deal with her abusive relationship anymore and spoke to her about it and honestly almost lost our friendship because she chose to be angry at me instead of deal with her own problems.)

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I don't think you are being a bitch at all. I can't believe he actually texted you...WTF?!?! That is so random.

 

If he decided to bring you into his drama then you had ever right to tell him off.

 

Good luck with this...

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I think you should tell your bff that this man should in no way text you, and she best make it clear to him. You need to tell her that you love her but that you are beginning a marriage in a couple of weks and you can not at this time be part of the breakdown of her marriage, that she knows your feelings on the subject and she must respectfully leave you out of the drama from this point forward.

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I think you made the right decision. However, people will do what they do no matter what their friends say. I have a friend who is married, but we think her man is cheating on her.. she just denies it. Me and alot of her other friends think she is in a distructive relationship, and although she agrees with us, she doesn't so anything about it. I would just sit back, now that you have said your peace, and let them figure it out.. fencing.gif

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