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carori

Tired of Complaints and Feeling Guilty at the same time!

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Originally Posted by carori View Post

 

I just want to vent a little: sometimes I feel so guilty about having a DW, I feel selfish, and I think aren't weddings about celebrating with family and friends? then why make it so difficult for people to come?

 

I then remember myself of why we are having one: we want to! and at some point I thought it was more convenient for everyone really. But then again, after hearing so many comments about pricing from my dad, mom, friends, colleagues (not even close friends!), well, everyone!  

 

But then I think: me and my FI live in Europe for the last 5 years, this is where we met and this is where our "home" is; but our families are from 2 other different continents! so, wherever we had our wedding it was going to be a DW! So, we decided to make it in a neutral place that we both love, not his country and not mine so that everyone feels that we didn't picked "a side". Not Europe because it would just be more expensive for EVERYONE (us and the guests!). So we chose Punta Cana. 

 

But now, everyone complains: wow! you picked an expensive place! why there? wow! it looks like you move "in other circles", is your family reach? (and no, they are not!) I will try to go to the wedding,... but not to YOUR hotel!! OMG

 

Was I supposed to pick the cheapest hotel in Punta Cana for everyone to be happy? 

 

And why do people think they can just say this things? don't they realize this is stressful? Nobody is forcing them to go! I even say they have the option to stay somewhere else!

 

My mom isn't even paying for her trip but she complains because her cousins complain to her, and then she comes and complains to me about the prices. I don't even care if her cousins come, I only invited them because I wanted to not exclude them, not because I expected them to make any effort in coming... I honestly don't even understand why they are coming, they never even write to me, If they want a vacation they can just take it whenever they want... somehow I'm thinking of letting them know that they shouldn't feel obliged to come AT ALL but i don't want to be rude... 

 

Another aunt sent me the news that she won't be coming: "it just doesn't fit her goal of traveling once again to Europe in this live" WTF!!??? 

 

Am I just being too sensitive? that's what a friend told me, not to take it personally... plop! how am i supposed to do that? It's my f... wedding!!! And then I go back to guilt :( This is so stressful that i don't even feel like picking the details of the wedding, flowers and nice things i should be thinking about :( 

 

Well, this became a long vent! Sorry but I don't want to stress my FI, since he also started to get super stressed when I told him about only 1 complaint :(

 

Anyway, thanks for reading...

 

Wow I understand totally.  I have some of the same stresses.  Also, had the same thoughts about the DW and marriage being with friends and family.  Still forget sometimes that it's about what FI and I want and if we can have friends and family join without complaining then they are welcome

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i agree you cannot make everyone happy even if you were rich and paid for everyone someone would complain about something the situation you have is what you have and you are making choices based on what you and your FI want therefore try not to worry about anyone but him and you because at the ned of the day if everyone shows up or no one shows up you will get to marry your best friend and that is what a wedding is all about

 

ps i too get hurt over every no i think it is just natural

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My fiancee and I are under a lot of stress because of the same things you have mentioned, now I know why there's a show called Bridezillas lol but yes, some people will complain, some people will give their opinions, thoughts, negative energy etc... Ill tell you guys what I told my fiancee... F*** Them... this is your day, this is for us, we have also invited a whole bunch of people that we don't expect to go, if people are that bothered by the DW then it's plain and simple, don't go...

 

We have spoken about all this and we have decided to make this experience as easy as possible for our immediate family members, everyone else (distant cousins, friends, etc...) can go ahead and follow the plan or not come at all, simple as that.

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NurseBrooke: ha! I think alot of us thought it'd be less stressful, nope we were all wrong! But at the end of it all you'll be glad u did a DW. I'm finally starting to get past the stressful parts because of guests and am getting more excited about our DW!

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No I don't think you are being too sensitive. You only wish for others to WANT to share in your joy and they should want to celebrate with you. I was just told by my future MIL that she won't be coming and had every excuse not too. His family owns a successful business so lack of  money is certainly no excuse, just because they don't travel and don't want to. Very selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful and my heart breaks to think there will be no mother son wedding dance for our reception. We have a few close friends who can't afford to attend and in their instance it's understandable however two of my girlfriends are making it, one making minimum wage and the other a single mom who struggles but cares so much for me she is saving her pennies. It's those people who make the sacrifice you need to focus on because they are truly the people who have your back. 

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Me too! In the end you need to do what you want so you don't regret your day. For me personally its been tough. Everyone is having hard times and expects the run of the mill wedding so they can have a free party. My fiancé and I are footing the whole bill and really don't care for the big traditional wedding. My brother who originally told me " he has the god given right to be at my wedding, and shouldn't have to pay a small fortune to be there", has finally come around. My fiance's immediate family is coming for sure as well as a few others, but some of mine are still giving me the guilt trips. My mom told me a girl I went to school with postponed her wedding because her grandpa went into the hospital. She is upset that my grandma that lives in a nursing would not be able to make it. Someone is always going to give you grief. Keep your head up and follow your heart.

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Hi all! 

 

WOW, it's SO good to read these responses!!  So, like everyone else reading this SAD thread I'm going through the same feelings of guilt and stress over our upcoming wedding in the Dominican Republic. 4.13.13.  

 

The truth is, I've always loved the idea of a destination wedding and I was so excited to plan this.  Also my FI and I attended a wedding in Costa Rica last February and we both had the BEST trip of our lives.  We thought by having a destination wedding our guests would come away with the similar memories because in theory it's an adventure, it's less stress, dealing with less vendors, less expensive (for us), and it's an opportunity for our friends and family to get to know each other in a unique setting. 

 

My fiance grew up in the DR and his family moved to Miami when he was 10.  My family is from NJ and mostly tri-state area.  I'm the youngest in my family and thought a destination wedding would be a a great chance for my family to vacation together, plus my siblings all did the tri-state weddings already.   And, since our families have never met before, they can now meet in a relaxed fun setting. Right? Also, and importantly, my parents were hit hard during the recession and don't have the money they used to.  So I'll be paying for the bulk of the wedding. 

 

But what I really did not count on was the STRESS and the GUILT.  OMG.  From family. From friends. The guilt over not having a cookie cutter country club wedding in an easy location like New Jersey.  Guilt over asking guests to fly somewhere.  Going to...gasp...another country.  So many opinions.  It's so much and I feel terrible that I'm letting the comments and stress from these people affect my feelings.  This is supposed to be a fun time. A crazy time, yes, but also fun.  And somewhere along the way I lost that feeling and I'd really love to get it back.   I think this is easier said than done - but  I need to grow a pair, be more confident with this decision, and move the hell on.  I am somewhat of a people pleaser so in my moments of doubt I think about changing things up and having a wedding in Florida - which would be so stressful to plan in 6 months and much more expensive.

 

Girls, I'm marrying the most amazing man  I know and every day that I wake up with him (yes, ahem, we're living in sin lol) I realize how lucky I am.  He is funny, he's sweet, kind, sexy and is going to be the most loving husband and father I could every imagine.  All that matters is that we're starting a life together, and we're committing to each other.  I hope as many friends and family can be there as possible to witness this...and if they can't, they cant.

 

RIGHT??

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Hi all!  WOW, it's SO good to read these responses!!  So, like everyone else reading this SAD thread I'm going through the same feelings of guilt and stress over our upcoming wedding in the Dominican Republic. 4.13.13.   The truth is, I've always loved the idea of a destination wedding and I was so excited to plan this.  Also my FI and I attended a wedding in Costa Rica last February and we both had the BEST trip of our lives.  We thought by having a destination wedding our guests would come away with the similar memories because in theory it's an adventure, it's less stress, dealing with less vendors, less expensive (for us), and it's an opportunity for our friends and family to get to know each other in a unique setting.  My fiance grew up in the DR and his family moved to Miami when he was 10.  My family is from NJ and mostly tri-state area.  I'm the youngest in my family and thought a destination wedding would be a a great chance for my family to vacation together, plus my siblings all did the tri-state weddings already.   And, since our families have never met before, they can now meet in a relaxed fun setting. Right? Also, and importantly, my parents were hit hard during the recession and don't have the money they used to.  So I'll be paying for the bulk of the wedding.  But what I really did not count on was the STRESS and the GUILT.  OMG.  From family. From friends. The guilt over not having a cookie cutter country club wedding in an easy location like New Jersey.  Guilt over asking guests to fly somewhere.  Going to...gasp...another country.  So many opinions.  It's so much and I feel terrible that I'm letting the comments and stress from these people affect my feelings.  This is supposed to be a fun time. A crazy time, yes, but also fun.  And somewhere along the way I lost that feeling and I'd really love to get it back.   I think this is easier said than done - but  I need to grow a pair, be more confident with this decision, and move the hell on.  I am somewhat of a people pleaser so in my moments of doubt I think about changing things up and having a wedding in Florida - which would be so stressful to plan in 6 months and much more expensive. Girls, I'm marrying the most amazing man  I know and every day that I wake up with him (yes, ahem, we're living in sin lol) I realize how lucky I am.  He is funny, he's sweet, kind, sexy and is going to be the most loving husband and father I could every imagine.  All that matters is that we're starting a life together, and we're committing to each other.  I hope as many friends and family can be there as possible to witness this...and if they can't, they cant. RIGHT??
You couldn't have said it any better! ;)

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I too have found this to be an incredibly stressful experience, much more so than I think either of us ever expected (one, since we've been telling people since before we were even engaged that we WOULD be having a destination, it was just a matter of when; and two, we just made assumptions that immediate family (parents and siblings) was a given for attendance, no question, we would never miss someones' wedding.).  We gave people exactly one years notice, to me this is more than enough time to plan and save for a seven day trip.  It's been a real eye opener to hear the complaints and watch people who are very important to us back out one by one.  It's been really emotionally taxing to say the least.  I had big dreams of a mini family reunion and lots of time with family whom we never get to see (because everyone is so spread out and has to travel anyway, we thought this was a fantastic idea), it feels at every turn like someone else is giving us an excuse of why they can't come. 

I'm trying REALLY hard to focus on who DOES care about us and who is making the time and the sacrifice to be with us.  It is very hard to try and stay positive and we are both feeling very defeated, there have been a lot of tears and a lot of hurt for both me and FI after talking to another family member who says they are not coming.  It took everything I had last week not to call his mom and ream her a new one when she basically said her part time school that she is doing for fun might be too busy to come.  It's just unbelievable. 

In the end, I know what is most important is that he and I are there to marry each other, and we are very lucky because we have amazing friends who are coming, it's just sad that lots of our family are not the same way, we really wanted to share the experience with them.  But we have a very supportive network of friends who have become our family and we are blessed to have that.  Our friends are the ones who can't stop talking about how excited they are for the trip and how much fun it will be for everyone to be together for a week, etc.  So, I guess we'll just focus our efforts there since they are obviously the ones who care about us and are excited to share our happiness.

A destination wedding is an eye-opener to say the least.

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