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sillafeliz

Crisis - family member ruins entire plan to have a DW.

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Hey DW Brides!!!

 

This is my plea for opinions on my issue that I'm having two days before we book our wedding to Punta Cana.

 

Here's the scoop!

 

For the past five years, I've been saying when we get married, we're having a DW so be prepared! It is no surprise that now that we're engaged we are planning our dream wedding in the DR. (I've already sent out our electronic save-the-dates!)

 

My Fiance's brother is his best friend, and his best man. They are the closest brothers I've ever come across. We were engaged on Dec. 25th 2011, and that day we told them we're doing a DW! Once I started looking at destinations and resorts, I figured our trip would cost guests $1,300 each. Well, I told the best man's wife (my soon-to-be sister-in-law) the price and she said OHHH that's expensive. She questioned me about when, and I told her April 2013...so more than a year away..and her response, oh, well I just don't know if we'll be pregnant then or not!

 

GUESS WHAT! They're pregnant...due in December! So, they'll have a 4 month old at the time of our wedding.

 

Now that its time to book, we called a family meeting with my fiance's parents, to get their decision...and they've said NO. They will not take the baby to Punta Cana.  My fiance can't get married without his best friend and brother there beside him...and we told them that we would have to cancel our dream wedding and do something at home if it meant my fiance having his brother present. All of our other important family members have said they will be there (parents, grandparents, and other siblings) and are so excited to experience our wedding the DR with us!

 

Anyways, long story made a little shorter...I pulled the brother aside and talked to him on my own last night. I offered to pay for him to come down alone, and to fly him in for only 3 or 4 days just so he would be there for the wedding. It just so happens it would be over a weekend, so he wouldn't have to take that much time off work, and her parents could help her with the baby while they are off work. His response: don't get your hopes up, but you are making it a lot easier for me to come. (He wants to come, but it will be up to her if he can go or not)....AND, even her parents have said that he has to go because its his brother thats getting married!

 

Well, we still don't have a response, our deposit was supposed to go in today. AND, I got a nasty message saying that she should have been included in the chat I had with my future brother-in-law. (My fiance wasn't present either)

 

(Also, pertinent info to have...we're both in the same profession, where its really hard to get work...and I've managed to get work and she hasn't, and ever since she's hated me for it, ignores me and treats me like dirt).

 

SOoooooooo, my question for you all...because I don't have children and know nothing about traveling with babies...are there health risks to a baby going to the DR? We've chosen the Melia Caribe Tropical, which is supposed to be five star, with very good food and a good reputation. Can nursing mothers get twinrex to protect them and the baby? Or is there any other health risks for a 4-month old to go to the island, apart from a sunburn?????? Obviously the baby won't be injesting anything off the island, it would just be her...so is there something that the baby could get through her, that can't be vaccinated against? Is she being ridiculous by not going with the baby, or are there justified concerns?

 

Thanks for your help and opinions!

 

I have thought of every angle of this...and I am at a loss about what to do now... my FI and I are so upset, we haven't been able to eat, and we constantly feel sick to our stomachs. :( Weddings are supposed to be fun experiences, and so far its torture!!!

 

Sincerely,

Heart-Broken Bride

 

P.S...Feel free to post your own issues....as I'm sure you know, every family has at least one of those people...

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Eeeesh...that's a nightmare!  As far as travelling with a baby is concerned, I would have them speak directly with a physician/pediatrician/public health nurse about that one. In our health region we actually have a "public health travel clinic"...where folks of any age travelling to any country can get advice, immunizations, etc. but there is a cost even for a basic consultation. I have a feeling that it wouldn't matter what you had to say about it or what you've researched, she's going to need to hear it directly from a physician or public health nurse.

 

My FI and I lived by the mantra...even if it's just you and me in the Riviera Maya, this is how WE want to get married. We heard EVERY reason under the sun for why people couldn't come (and these were people that right off the bat said "we'll be there!")...and a couple of people really screwed us over in the end. You really get to learn a lot about your friends and family in the process of planning a wedding. On our wedding day, we had 32 people there whom we love and mean the world to us...and we didn't give one thought to the people who weren't there and/or made things difficult for us. Personally, I wouldn't give up my dream wedding for anyone...I really hope it all works itself out for you guys in the end!!!  Best of luck : )

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I think you were very generous offering to pay for him to come for a few days, and I think you've handled everyone pretty well! Him coming for a few days seems like a win-win situation to me, I can't believe that everyone hasn't hopped on this suggestion!! It makes me mad that the sister in law is so ungrateful and seemingly spiteful! 

 

I think you should NOT cancel the DW if you've been dreaming this for so long. If you cancel and stay at home you may end up resenting your sister-in-law, and if the brother is such a big part of your lives this could turn ugly! 

 

I don't have kids so I can't comment on that part, but I do know of couples who have brought their new borns on tropical vacations with them without incident. 

 

I think that you should go ahead with planning the DW, and things with the brother in law will work themselves out. If they are best friends then he will find a way to make things work, even if it means only going for a few days, or going without his family, or just biting the bullet and going with his whole family. You've got nearly a full year to figure out these details. 

 

 

Good luck! 

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I agree, that is VERY generous and accomodating to pay for the brother so the wedding can continue as dreamed.  Don't let them ruin your day.  If they really are that close, the brother will show up.  He just needs to man up and tell his wife that it has to happen, somehow.

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Don't give up on your hopes for a DW!  Have you considered doing a legal ceremony at home with the brother present and doing a symbolic wedding in the DR?  My husband's only sibling did not go to our DW because of the same reasons except his kids are 7 and 4!  One is diabetic so they were afraid that something would happen and the doctors in Mexico wouldn't know how to treat her.

 

I agree with the other comments DO WHAT YOU WANT, not what is going to make everyone else happy.

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I agree. We want to have our imediate family attend our wedding but even if it doesn't work out that everyone can attend, we are still having our dream wedding. After all it is our wedding. We are going to be paying for my future MIL to be there. My sister is now saying that they may not be able to afford it and we can't afford to pay for both of them so I may be getting married without my sister present. We realized that things like this might arise and agreed early on that as long as our parents would be there we were having our dream wedding in Jamaica.

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As I started reading I was going to suggest you guys paying for the brother to attend but you did that already!  I think part of this issue is that he and his wife want to come, don't want to miss out on the fab vaca and spending a week with family but just can't afford it and are concerned about traveling with a baby.  All this will make her jealous if only he gets to go.  Should she be a bigger person, realize her husband MUST be at his brother's wedding even if it were in Antarctica?  Absolutely but I don't think that's going to happen.  She will bitch and complain and make his life miserable about it but THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  You've done everything in your power to make this happen and if HE decides he can't come, that is his decision.  I love the idea of making him part of the legal ceremony at home (assuming you're not getting legally married in the DR).  You might also be able to swing something like a webcam and Skype so they can watch the ceremony live.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT give her advice about traveling with an infant.  Don't even make recommendations on who to talk to.  Seriously.  This is their first child, right?  New parents are almost always extremely cautious and fear the unknown.  If they had more than one kid, they'd probably have no problem with it but I'm certain she isn't going to want to hear from you about this as "you don't know what you're talking about."  I have 2 kids - 13 and 10 (and actually the 13 year old has diabetes and we're going to Mexico!).  I traveled alot with them as infants but never outside of the country.  I think I would have been scared, especially with #1.  When we were thinking about a DW I assumed my brother and SIL wouldn't want to come with their baby but they are world travelers and have no problem taking her pretty much anywhere.  They're thrilled we're doing it while she still travels for free!  LOL! 

 

The thing is you can't control what others fear.  Like the family who didn't go because their kid has diabetes.  It's a totally legitimate fear and they knew they wouldn't be comfortable the whole time down there so they declined.

 

I say you've done all the right things and now it's time to put down your deposit and get on with the show.  EVERYONE else is excited and supportive of you and hopefully by the time the wedding happens, your BIL will have made the right decision and be standing by his brother's side.  Keep being positive, accommodating (within reason), and cordial.  You've handled this so well so far!

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Being a destination wedding bride who had our best man pull this same thing (we flew him in for three nights by himself in the end) but also being a mother myself now, I completely understand why they don't want to go. 

I think his brother should go, and that's very sweet of you to offer to pay, and he should definitely be there, even if just for 2-3 nights.  But I would not at all expect the rest of the family to go.  $1300 a person to go on a vacation with a newborn is NOT fun.  Any travel with a newborn is not fun, even to the grocery store!  And then $1300 is not cheap to have a crappy vacation.  Newborns are needy.  Every single second of every day.  They don't sleep well, especially in a weird place.  Mom won't be able to drink or eat spicey food or even lay out in the sun because of the baby. 

So I don't think it's so much the "risk" of taking a newborn on vacation as it is the fact that taking a newborn is NOT a vacation.  And it's not cheap.

But again, the brother should be there.

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Move forward with the destination wedding!  I wouldn't convince her it's ok to bring the baby - that's her decision.  You don't want to influence her because if something happens to the baby, you will be blamed forever.  Secondly, his brother can fly out even if it's only for 2 or 3 nights.  He's got to figure that out for himself.  Hopefully in the end, he will go!  You've done the right steps, even offered to pay - let me think about it and decide.  You have plenty of time.  He can even let you know 6 weeks before the wedding about his decision.  Remember - if this is your dream wedding, GO FOR IT.  Don't change it up because of drama because you WILL regret it!  Who ever makes it, you will appreciate and have fun.  xo

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Yes I would move forward with your plans to have DW.  If the brother decides to come great, if not your wedding is about you and your FI.  You have been planning this for quite sometime.  My sister can not go for financial reasons.  We are having a an AHR with with wedding attire and a photographer I am making my sister's two daughters flower girls, so I have pictures of me, my sister and 2 nieces when I am wearing my wedding dress. 

 

Even though she can't come she feels honored that we are having a formal AHR where she can feel "included"

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