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Future In-Laws - How involved?

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#1 SarahMc

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    Posted 05 November 2006 - 01:30 PM

    So I need some advice on how involved I should ask my future MIL to be in the planning. She's close but not close to James, if that makes sense, lives about 4 hours away and is really busy. She's really excited that after five years we're finally getting married, but I don't know how involved she wants to be. I don't really talk to her that often. I know the stuff like asking her for a list to send invites too etc...but for a dw what is appropriate or what have you guys done?

    My mom is already super-involved, whether I want it or not, and I don't want James' mom to feel left out but I also don't want her to feel like I'm imposing on her to do stuff. We also have the added issue of another future MIL as James parents are divorced and I don't know if his Dad's girlfriend of many years is going to want to be involved.

    Any advice you guys can give would be great!
    Sarah & James
    Dreams Los Cabos
    June 28, 2007

    #2 Sarah


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      Posted 05 November 2006 - 01:37 PM

      I would just come right out and ask here if there is anything specific she would really like to be a part of. My FMIL never got to go dress shopping with her daughter when she got married, so she wanted to be part of that experience with me. Mind you, she's involved in politics and hasn't been able to make the time and I ended up buying my dress without her (but that's another post entirely...).
      Anyway, do what makes you feel comfortable. If there's a specific part of your wedding plans that you know she'd be good at (ex: calligraphy, designing table cards, picking out flowers- whatever her "thing" is) ask her to help. Otherwise, just as I'd suggest with your own mom, it's your day and you call the shots!
      If she's as busy as she sounds, she might make a obligatory small commitment and never follow through, so have a back up just in case!

      #3 TammyWright


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      Posted 05 November 2006 - 01:41 PM

      well, i didnt ask either moms to help because i am too much of a micro-manager but steve's mom offered to pay for the photographer which was fantastic.

      some parents opt to pay for the welcome/rehearsel dinner...maybe you can have that be their thing...at dreams it is not that expensive to do...and they can have their name on the welcome letter as hosting it so it will let them feel important and involved.

      the welcome dinner will be about $22 per person set up fee...i did a mexican/caribbean buffet and it was so good.

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      #4 SarahMc

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        Posted 05 November 2006 - 03:02 PM

        Those are good ideas Tammy and Sarah...Thanks! I don't know if she'll have time to come up here and look for dresses but at least if I offer I've made and attempt right? I'm not sure they're into paying for anything though. My parents are offering to pay for the day of reception (you were right Tammy, more people sound interested in going now and my mom keeps adding to the list!), so maybe James and I could do the rd, but have them be the hosts...
        Sarah & James
        Dreams Los Cabos
        June 28, 2007

        #5 A10CalGal

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          Posted 05 November 2006 - 03:38 PM

          I think Sara (AQHARIDER) hit the nail on the head. It's your day, and you ultimately get to decide how it goes down. You can extend yourself to a certain point to give your FMIL an opportunity to feel involved, but don't feel like you have to make a big old deal out of it. One thing I did with my own mother was say "I want you to be part of this day on your terms, so let me know what you would like to be involved in, I could really use your help." From that discussion, my mom told me she just doesn't have time to physically do much stuff pre-wedding, but she would be more than happy to host our rehearsal dinner. WOOO!

          #6 TOESNTHESND

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            Posted 05 November 2006 - 04:17 PM

            As for me my future MIL has no daughters and we are pretty close so I am keeping her in the loop on pretty much everything. The downfall is she lives in Utah so I am going to see if she can make a trip in Feb to go dress shopping with me and my BM's. But the good thing is that she is not bossy at all and just excited we are finally getting married.

            #7 RAENJAY

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            Posted 05 November 2006 - 04:23 PM

            I agree, just ask her if there is anything that she really wants to be involved with. I'm sure she'll be happy to try and help with anything that you ask her to do.
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            #8 SarahMc

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              Posted 05 November 2006 - 11:40 PM

              Thank you all for your great advice!
              Sarah & James
              Dreams Los Cabos
              June 28, 2007

              #9 helen9

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                Posted 04 December 2010 - 04:56 PM

                Maybe give them a list or a few things they can organise that you don't really care about - sorry sounds a bit mean.

                Luckily for me, my FH is not close to his parents and we live in a different state. So they don't even know we're organising a wedding at the moment and honestly i don't think they would even care.

                #10 mrs*j*2011

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                  Posted 04 December 2010 - 05:39 PM

                  this post is 4 years old...the OP was married over 3 years ago.

                  ~~ Lea ~~
                  January 2, 2011 ~ Sandals Royal Caribbean
                  (honeymooning at Couples Negril)


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