my dad just died....
Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:36 AM
My last conversation with him was over the phone in the first semester of my freshman year at college. He told me he wants me to die knowing that the family broke up because of me. Rationally, I know that he was probably just high or drunk and taking his guilt out on me, but he hurt me so bad that night.
I have more memories of good times with my father than my brother or sister (they're both younger). We're all mad at him, but I am so sad. I had fantasies of him sobering up and cleaning himself up. I fantasized about him & I having a relationship again. I planned on mailing him a copy of our wedding DVD and sending him a picture of his grandchild once he/she arrived. I thought someday we'd reconnect. Growing up, I was always closer to my dad than my mom ~ Daddy's little girl. That's why it was so hard for me when he left us.
He had done some horrible, unforgiving things in the past 8 years. I won't go into detail here, since it is the Internet, but these are things that simply cannot EVER be forgiven.
So I'm incredibly depressed, sad, angry, hurt, pissed off and confused all at once.
Oh, and it gets even better...apparently, since he doesn't have a spouse, me, my brother & my sister are legally responsible for his body. My grandmother (who we haven't spoken to in about a decade) has agreed to pay for cremation, but 'cannot afford' to have a service, funeral or even viewing. So there will be NO chance for closure, NO chance to say goodbye, NO chance to say everything I want to say to him.
I took off from work today, as did my brother & sister. We're going out to a late breakfast and then going to a park where my dad used to take us when we were young; a place where we all have good memories of him (back when he really still was my dad)...
I'm sorry this is getting so long, but I really need to get all of this out there. And on top of it all, I'm trying not to freak out too much because I want to make sure the baby is safe....
Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:48 AM
Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:49 AM
Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:54 AM
I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, but it sounds like being with your siblings may help a bit with closure, talking about the memories, etc.
I am not good with words, but I am so sad terribly for you.
Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:07 AM
That's a good place for your brother, sister and yourself to go. Think of the happy times when your Dad was in good spirit with you. You're such a strong girl. So much has happenned to you already in 2007. . .
You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. We love you girl- stay strong!
Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:10 AM
Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:14 AM
Remember that he did love you, he was not himself for the past while, but he still loved you. Remember the good times you shared with him and the good things about him. No need to worry about that bad anymore.
I lost my dad when I was 3, so while I know what its like to lose a father, I don't know what its like to lose one I remember. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Take care of yourself and your baby.
Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:18 AM
Our Caletas Wedding Slideshow (by Leigh Miller)
Our Caletas Wedding Video
Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:37 AM
I think you can find a sense of closure by talking about him with your brother and sister and reflecting on the good memories you have. Don't limit yourself to thinking that you can only achieve closure with his physical body or a memorial service. You can find other ways and you should or else this is something that could potentionally manifest itself into something unhealthy. Counseling or a grief support group are also other options if you should find yourself needing help in the future.
Drug and alcohol addiction can make people do, say and think terrible things. You have to remember it removes alll rational thought and remember that somewhere in there was your "real dad" the dad you have all those good memories of and that dad loved you so much.
I hope you are able to find your peace with all of this.
Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:43 AM
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