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my dad just died....

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#1 Heidi

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    Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:36 AM

    WOW... Last night, I found out my dad had died on Monday. It's a complete mix of emotions. I haven't seen or heard from him in 8 years. He's a drug addict and alcoholic who chose his drugs over his family and never looked back at us.

    My last conversation with him was over the phone in the first semester of my freshman year at college. He told me he wants me to die knowing that the family broke up because of me. Rationally, I know that he was probably just high or drunk and taking his guilt out on me, but he hurt me so bad that night.

    I have more memories of good times with my father than my brother or sister (they're both younger). We're all mad at him, but I am so sad. I had fantasies of him sobering up and cleaning himself up. I fantasized about him & I having a relationship again. I planned on mailing him a copy of our wedding DVD and sending him a picture of his grandchild once he/she arrived. I thought someday we'd reconnect. Growing up, I was always closer to my dad than my mom ~ Daddy's little girl. That's why it was so hard for me when he left us.

    He had done some horrible, unforgiving things in the past 8 years. I won't go into detail here, since it is the Internet, but these are things that simply cannot EVER be forgiven.

    So I'm incredibly depressed, sad, angry, hurt, pissed off and confused all at once.

    Oh, and it gets even better...apparently, since he doesn't have a spouse, me, my brother & my sister are legally responsible for his body. My grandmother (who we haven't spoken to in about a decade) has agreed to pay for cremation, but 'cannot afford' to have a service, funeral or even viewing. So there will be NO chance for closure, NO chance to say goodbye, NO chance to say everything I want to say to him.

    I took off from work today, as did my brother & sister. We're going out to a late breakfast and then going to a park where my dad used to take us when we were young; a place where we all have good memories of him (back when he really still was my dad)...

    I'm sorry this is getting so long, but I really need to get all of this out there. And on top of it all, I'm trying not to freak out too much because I want to make sure the baby is safe....
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    #2 Spazz

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      Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:48 AM

      Oh my God, Heidi, my heart just stopped for a second when I read the title of this thread. I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I know from other posts that you weren't close to him, but it's still your dad. I'm sorry for all that you've been through with him and that you will now never get "closure". There are no words that I can say to make it better. Just know that I'm here if you need to talk. Please keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy during this hard time.

      #3 deleted

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        Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:49 AM

        Oh Heidi, I don't even know what to say. I am really sorry for what you are going through, and we are here if you want to talk more about it. BIG HUGS

        #4 PaulaV

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          Posted 20 September 2007 - 08:54 AM

          Heidi, I am so sorry for the loss to your family.
          I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, but it sounds like being with your siblings may help a bit with closure, talking about the memories, etc.

          I am not good with words, but I am so sad terribly for you.


          #5 ~Melissa~


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          Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:07 AM

          Heidi I wish I knew some words to comfort you through this difficult process. All i know is that time will heal your pain. I've never been through your situation but I think you're handling it better than anyone else would.

          That's a good place for your brother, sister and yourself to go. Think of the happy times when your Dad was in good spirit with you. You're such a strong girl. So much has happenned to you already in 2007. . .

          You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. We love you girl- stay strong!

          #6 MsShelley


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            Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:10 AM

            I didn't know what to do when I read the title.... Heidi, I am sorry for your loss, but please do take care of yourself right now, your baby needs you... And I am here to talk if you need me, losing a parent is hard whether you were really close to them or not...

            #7 JulieG

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              Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:14 AM

              Heidi, I am so sorry for your loss. I know I hate it when people say sorry, but I never know what to say in these situations. I feel terrible that this is happening to you. At least its happening at a happy time in your life when you have a new baby and wedding to look forward to.

              Remember that he did love you, he was not himself for the past while, but he still loved you. Remember the good times you shared with him and the good things about him. No need to worry about that bad anymore.

              I lost my dad when I was 3, so while I know what its like to lose a father, I don't know what its like to lose one I remember. My thoughts are with you and your family.

              Take care of yourself and your baby.

              #8 LCBride2007


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                Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:18 AM

                oh wow, i am sorry, heidi. i cannot begin to imagine the mix of emotions you are going through right now. i can't even pretend to know what you're feeling. it sounds like you really have your stuff together and have have a fabulous attitude about all of this. i wish your dad had made it until your wedding and the baby - maybe that would have given him reason enough to straighten up. just know that we're here for you!

                #9 Jessica

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                  Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:37 AM

                  I'm so sorry Heidi. Especially since you didn't get the chance to resolve your issues with him first. That must be the hardest part.

                  I think you can find a sense of closure by talking about him with your brother and sister and reflecting on the good memories you have. Don't limit yourself to thinking that you can only achieve closure with his physical body or a memorial service. You can find other ways and you should or else this is something that could potentionally manifest itself into something unhealthy. Counseling or a grief support group are also other options if you should find yourself needing help in the future.

                  Drug and alcohol addiction can make people do, say and think terrible things. You have to remember it removes alll rational thought and remember that somewhere in there was your "real dad" the dad you have all those good memories of and that dad loved you so much.

                  I hope you are able to find your peace with all of this.

                  #10 Sarah


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                    Posted 20 September 2007 - 09:43 AM

                    Wow Heidi. What a difficult situation to be in. I don't even know what to say. I just hope that during this time with your siblings that you are able to remember the good times, work through the bad, and gain closure where your relationship with your dad is concerned. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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