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lauren478

Need help figuring out how to deal with not inviting everyone.

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My Fi and I are having a small wedding of immediate family and super close friends. It will be about 25 people in Bahamas.  We thought about inviting extended family, but we aren't close to them and would rather have a small intimate setting, and I would feel like I had to invite close friends, and other people that we hoped to not have to invite due to DW. We thought about having an AHR, but we have no money.  I don't want a big wedding, but I want everyone to feel like they are included without being there. Is it selfish to throw a cheap AHR just to say "we are married" or to not want to throw one because of cost? Another reason we wouldn't throw an AHR is because people would have to travel at least 4 hours to come. We could have 3 seperate parties (one for moms family, one for dads family, and one for fiances family/friends in town), but that seems like we are being selfish and want to celebrate many times. Really, I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because they weren't invited to my DW. Don't really know how to deal...

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I think this is common DW stuff.  If you aren't close with the family do you really think they will be upset that they aren't invited?  And do you think they would go if they were invited? 

 

I had a co-worker approach me about being sad that she wasn't invited and I handled it by saying we were having a "small wedding with close family and friends".  That's it.  I know family is different than a co-worker but if you aren't close its sort of the same thing. 

 

As for the AHR don't have one just because you feel you are supposed to have one.  If you just don't want to be bothered, or if money is an issue, then just don't do it.  If you want to do it as a way to include the uninvited then I would just have one and whoever can make it can make it.  I don't think having 3 makes you look selfish but if anything it seems like a pain in the neck!

 

Good luck!

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Marriage is about a commitment, not about parties, but of course those are nice.  but you need to do what you need to do to make sure you are ok.  there might be some hurt feelings.  Many people are upset we are getting married so far away, but I look back and they didn't go to my graduation, etc.  It was my close friends and family who showed.  I'm having a super cheap AHR because I'm on the same boat as you.  I am just getting together and having a wine and cheese reception and showing my video of the wedding at my mom's or aunts house.  Their houses are quite small, so I can't fit everyone sitting down.  remember your AHR can be during summer or something like that, this way you can pick a park or something to save on cost

 

go with your gut and what you and your partner really want without worrying about others.  i know easier said than done!

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I'm with Jamy.  I would invite only those that you want to be there (although we invited all 300+ that would be invited to a "regular" wedding and we still only had the 25 that we knew we wanted there, so I didn't take my own advice, but it worked out for us) and tell the rest how it's just a small intimate affair with close family and friends.

 

And I also agree that if you don't want an AHR, then don't do it.  If you do want one, but don't want it to be a hassle, you can totally do something super low-key like a BBQ.  And while I don't think having three makes you look selfish, I do think it looks like a huge pain in the ass.  When we got back from JA, we had about 1 month before our AHR and I was so over weddings and everything that I wished we hadn't planned it.  Of course, now it's fine b/c it was fun and I enjoyed wearing my dress again and getting to see all those people, but the thought of having 3 more to plan attend would've driven me crazy.

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Lauren, 

 

I find myself in a similar situation. I think 25 people sounds delightful! At first we only wanted parents, siblings, and a few friends. But my mom (who is paying for the wedding) wanted to invite my aunt (who I haven't seen in 8 years), and so we felt obligated to invite my dad's brother and my cousins.... and that made our two sides equal (12 people each, he has 4 sisters and 2 sets of parents). But then he wanted to invite his uncles and cousins and all of a sudden we're at 60 something people... and if we had a wedding in NJ, there would be 200+ invited. It's your wedding. It should be about you and your fiance and the people that are important to you. 

 

It is not selfish to throw a cheap AHR! Who says inexpensive can't be good! A backyard (or park if you don't have a backyard) bbq or a wine/cheese reception at someone's house is perfectly acceptable. I've heard of some great things done with local fire/community rooms. I'm looking into maybe a brunch party (so people could make the 2 hr drive and go home the same day). People should be happy you've decided to make a commitment, not throw a party for them. If you spread the word that you're not throwing a party to get gifts, just to be able to see people and celebrate, I don't see why anyone would think you were selfish!

 

(maybe I'm just a bridezilla but that is my opinion)

 

Katie

 

Originally Posted by lauren478 View Post

My Fi and I are having a small wedding of immediate family and super close friends. It will be about 25 people in Bahamas.  We thought about inviting extended family, but we aren't close to them and would rather have a small intimate setting, and I would feel like I had to invite close friends, and other people that we hoped to not have to invite due to DW. We thought about having an AHR, but we have no money.  I don't want a big wedding, but I want everyone to feel like they are included without being there. Is it selfish to throw a cheap AHR just to say "we are married" or to not want to throw one because of cost? Another reason we wouldn't throw an AHR is because people would have to travel at least 4 hours to come. We could have 3 seperate parties (one for moms family, one for dads family, and one for fiances family/friends in town), but that seems like we are being selfish and want to celebrate many times. Really, I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because they weren't invited to my DW. Don't really know how to deal...



 

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I am struggling with the same thing.  One of our main reasons for having a destination wedding was to keep it intimate, but now I'm having a hard time trying to decide where to draw the line.  I'd like to invite my mom's brother and wife because they are my godparents, but then I feel like I have to invite my dad's siblings.  Also, I don't really want to have an AHR because it defeats the whole purpose of doing it this way, in my opinion. We are requesting that our guests do not give us gifts and I certainly would feel terrible asking for gifts from people who weren't even invited to our DW.

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In the end, you've got to do what YOU want to do - it's not bad that you only want to invite immediate family/close friends.  It's what we're doing too, and I've been catching flack from my Grandmother about not inviting certain people, but really - we decided on only direct family, not extended.  We are also having a casual get together after our wedding when we're back to celebrate with those who couldn't come to the Wedding - we don't have the money for a big, fancy one.  The important thing is gathering together with your loved ones to celebrate your Marriage, you don't have to spend a lot of money on a huge elaborate thing to do that :) 

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