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a mother who hates your wedding?


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#1 justineheart

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    Posted 26 January 2012 - 07:45 AM

    I've known I've always wanted a dw, but i've always known my mother HATES them! I mean the whole meaning of hate, any time any one of our family friends has had a dw I've had to listen to her rant about how could some one think that they needed to go away and celebrate for a whole week and have people spend an insane amount of money to go.

     

    So i knew telling her and my dad that is what i wanted was going to be a fight. But last night i decided that i have to tell them sooner or later and maybe sooner is better than later.

     

    Now i understand where she is coming from, it is a lot of money, but should i have to give up my dream of what i want to fit what they want? no. i dont think i should have too.

     

    Also, you have to understand my sister got married last year and we are SO SO SO different, she wanted a small wedding (60 people) and was able to a her whole wedding under $5 000 including EVERYTHING! and it was beautiful, probably the most beautiful wedding i've been thats been in Canada, but i also no that is not what i want if i was to get married at home, I would want a huge wedding with all my family and friends, so a dw was a way for my fiance to a) get down the wedding size to a size he was comfortable with and B) be able to afford a wedding by ourselfs. As well i have another sister who choose not to get married even though she has been with the guy for ten years.

     

    My family has a very strong opinion on weddings. That big weddings are a waste of money. My mom and dad only had a wedding because they were forced too.

     

    But i am very different from them and have always been the extravagant one.

     

    But my real problem is I have another sister who could probably not afford to take herself and her daughter. It not only is extremely important to me that she is there but even more important that her daughter is there. I LOVE this little girl. I understand some of my friends and family will not come, but she is my sister.

     

    So this was all brought up last night when i told my parents this is what i wanted and my mom said to me "well what would you do if your sister couldnt afford to come" and than my father said "I dont think i would come if you had a dw wedding. it is a waste of money, you could put that towards a house"

     

    I tried to show him how it would actually cheaper, because i have planned both of the weddings out cost wise down to the last flower. It is a $15,000 difference between the two weddings i have budgetted out. and he still wouldnt listen.

     

    I left last night feeling horrible, like some one had just told me there wasnt a santa. i feel like this is MY wedding, my one day where my fiance and i get to say what we want and how we want it and not care what other people think. but should i be reconcidering?

     

    I have also told my parents that I would pay for my sister to be there. I'd also like to point out we have choosen not to get married till april 2014 which gives every one A HUGE AMOUNT OF TIME TO SAVE!!!!!



    #2 JessiTaylor

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      Posted 26 January 2012 - 12:04 PM

       

      Oh thats horrible, im sorry! Whilst i think most destination wedding brides get some hassle from guests (its so expensive, you're forcing people to travel across the world to celebrate your day etc etc) you should be able to expect support from your family.

       

      Im sick of people making anti-destination wedding comments to me, my view is "i don't have a gun pointed to your head, you can choose to come or you can choose  not to and i understand, but don't come reluctantly and whine about it as i have no patience with that" (i havent said that to anyone yet...but im dangerously close)

       

      This is your dream, but you do have a decision to make. If, as threatened, your parents won't come would you still enjoy your special day or would it be ruined? Are you willing to sacrifice that dream to have a local wedding to keep parents happy? If they wont be happy with a big local wedding either then frankly you can't win and may as well go for the DW!

       

      There is every chance they might change their minds though, particularly if you can get your sister on board by offering to pay for her. Point out that the money is being spent either way and isn't going towards a house. Are your parents struggling financially and don't think they can pay to come? Or they simply hate the idea and don't want to?

       

      Destination weddings often are cheaper for the couple, the issue is that the guests have to pay more. Its hard not to be disappointed when friends say its impossible but providing you have you and your fiance in your dream settings it will be perfect anyway...guests would just be lovely extras!



      #3 justineheart

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        Posted 26 January 2012 - 12:47 PM

        thats the kicker for me! my parents are extremely well off as well as my fiances family is very well off, the people we want there could afford to come (which was a huge part of our planning to make sure they people we wanted there could afford to be there). I no it will work out in the end but why do people have to make such a big deal about it.

         

        My parents have offered to hold the wedding at our summer home but that is what my sister did and i would feel like i was copying her idea even if i did put my own spin on it.

         

        but im with you on being so very close to saying to people "you no what, if you dont want to come dont, but telling me us we shouldnt do our wedding the way we want isnt an option" I want every one there but im trying to stay in my budget for my wedding and if a trip doesnt fit in your budget than i understand.

         

        as a side note, when i have been apart of a wedding or my finance has been apart of another couples wedding, by the time you pay for your bm dress, hotels, gas, food, the engagement party, the bachelorette party and a gift it works out to by around the same amount of money we would have spent for a trip, but i would have (personally) much rather spend a whole week on a beautiful beach than a hotel in freezing cold canada and a dress i'll never wear again! how come people never hate on that?! haha (i really tried not to sound to cynical there i promise)

         

        i guess my point is, dont crush my dreams, and i wont crush yours, wedding are expensive



        #4 JessiTaylor

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          Posted 29 January 2012 - 05:37 PM

           

          100% agree. Stay strong and don't get caught up in all the drama! If they can afford to come (and they know pressuring you wont make you change your mind) i think they will eventually agree..but they might make you sweat a bit first.Its ok to want something different from your sisters wedding. Just make sure to be super sweet and keep thanking them for the offer (but you dont want to)

           

          but i agree with you that the costs (dress, bachelorette etc etc etc) mean there isnt *that* much of a difference cost wise. and they are having a one week holiday, the wedding is just one single day of that holiday, the rest will just be agood time! what a hard life for their guests (im rapidly passing from "understanding" to snappy hahaha)

           

          Heres a vent on a tangent - if guests want to decline, it would be nice if they said something like " hey! i would love so much to come to your wedding, it sounds amazing. unfortunately money is a bit tight right now and i dont think i can make it. cant wait to see the photos though and hope its amazing"

           

          my so called best friend decided to tell me it was a stupid idea, she didnt understand why i couldnt just get married in london, asking guests to pay that much is selfish. and she wanted to be at my wedding but not if abroad etc etc etc. Then she ignored me/changed subject every time i mentioned wedding plans

           

          Funny thing is...my parents are incredible and just spontanously offered to pay for 2 friends to fly out so i could have bridesmaids. and im choosing my supportive friends who didnt bitch at me about my wedding. so there!

           

          Anyone who is attempting to crush wedding dreams can stay quiet and far away! They'd only ruin it anyway

           

           

           

           



          #5 balibride

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            Posted 14 May 2012 - 01:05 PM

            Once again Jeesie you are spot on! We all need to stick to our guns, none of us decided on a dw on a whim, and like Jessie says its up to ppl if they come or not.... Good luck!

            #6 Dazeydawl

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              Posted 14 May 2012 - 01:33 PM

              just curious.. is your family ok now with the dw



              #7 Branya2012

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                Posted 16 May 2012 - 12:36 PM

                Very well said by both of you ladies! To everything! justineheart, I hope that you and yoru fiancee find it in your hearts to do what is best for you, because as hard as it can be, it is your day and it is about your happiness and the celebration you want for the start of your lives together!

                 

                I speak from experience here, because my father has been just as stubborn about coming to our wedding. So much so, that it has been been almost 11 months since I had a face to face conversation with him about him walking me down the aisle (to which he said flat out no) and those were the last words he has spoken to me since then. Apprently our having a destination wedding is enough for him to completely cut me - his only child - and my fiancee out of his life altogether! Him and my mom are still together, so it has been difficult for her, but at the end of the day he would rather keep his annual trip to Puerto Vallarta in February/March and not move it a couple of months to walk me down the aisle. I've made peace with it, but it still hurts. Hang in there, girl!! People should be happy for you however you choose to get married!

                 

                PS: That is really sweet of you to pay for your sister and niece to come! And you are being very generous on time for everyone else to save $$!!


                ~ December 5, 2012 ~

                ~ Las Caletas, Mexico ~


                #8 Lizrmt

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                  Posted 18 June 2012 - 04:45 PM

                  My mom hates my wedding too, she has made it very clear that she will not spend the money to come, and my opinion is if you're going to wine and complain the whole time then you're uninvited! My sister also complained at the beginning, when I told her she was uninvited she quickly changed her tune!

                  #9 nbateman

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                    Posted 26 December 2012 - 08:22 PM

                    Originally Posted by Lizrmt 

                    My mom hates my wedding too, she has made it very clear that she will not spend the money to come, and my opinion is if you're going to wine and complain the whole time then you're uninvited! My sister also complained at the beginning, when I told her she was uninvited she quickly changed her tune!

                    I have the mom who wouldn't stop talking "when's he gonna propose" for 7 years, then once he did, she doesn't want to EVER talk about the wedding or planning for it...what's the deal?



                    #10 Marymack

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                      Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:23 AM

                      @nbateman is your mother financially able to attend your wedding? Need a bit more info before making an observation.....




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