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Difficult Family - still 16months to go!


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#111 Mayanbride

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    Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:14 PM

    Just ignore them, bottom line, it is your day not theirs.

     



    #112 stluciabound

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      Posted 17 November 2011 - 09:50 AM



      Welcome Dallace! Sorry it couldn't be for a more pleasant topic, but glad you found us :) The ladies on here have been so wonderful and have helped me get through the most difficult time of my life. I am sure you will find the same. I am sorry to hear that you are going through what seems to be such a similar situation as I faced. It sounds though like at least you and your FI are on the same page, which makes all the difference. I will never understand why people (especially a non-contributing groom's family) think they have the right for so much negative input. It is amazing to me that they can so bluntly express that your wedding is not a priority to them, yet they expect you to alter it so that THEY are the priority. Where do these people come from? And as for the sister's comment... I also faced a similar situation with his sister who also had her entire wedding paid for by their parents making comments about my choices. Really? If you didn't pay a dime for your own wedding you have no right to judge me for the decisions I need to make about my own!

      I can also totally relate to not being accepted due to the church aspect. His family wasn't as openly disrespectul about it as your FI's, but I know it really bothered them. She did make comments about how when we had kids I would "need" to raise them in the church. Excuse me? Like you said, nothing against the religion, but it is a personal choice with no place in an in-law dinner conversation (and this was even pre-engagement)! It sounds like they decided in their heads what the "perfect daughter in-law" would be for them and have completely disregarded what is really important... the quality of the relationship you two have. It is a load of crap. My best advice,coming from someone who had everything destroyed by this same behavior, is not to let it get out of control and always make sure you and your FI present all of your decisions as a united choice. The moment they think there is any weakness they take advantage of the opportunity to exploit it. At least that was my experience. In any event, I wish you the very best of luck and am sure you wiill have the wedding and happiness you deserve :) In the meantime... we are all here for you!!!!

      Originally Posted by dallace 

      OH MY GOODNESS LADIES!!! and here I thought MY family issues were bad...I guess there not that bad just more of an inconvienience lol.

       

      SO very sorry to hear what happened St. Lucia, I just don't understand why some people have the urge to ruin something great for others. Whats even worse is that they brought your ex-FI down with them...shame on them and him for that matter! As the other ladies said though, at least you didn't end up finding out 5 years down the road that he's spineless and can't stand up for you when you needed him to most. You deserve a MAN to take care of you, and obviously he's still a mamas boy. SO glad that he's meeting you in the middle and not leaving you high and dry without a vehicle and being mature about moving out, as long as he follows through with it. That's one thing my FI and I made very clear to eachother about our second vehicle...(his truck is his.. he paid for it, he had it before we were together ect.) but our second vehicle is "ours" (mainly mine but we're both puting money into it). Being that he's got a better insurance discount than me we put it in his name but agreed that if for some god aweful reason things didnt work out we would sell it and split the profet, then we're both "happy" so to say. Stay strong missy, you will make it through this tough time. Now that he's moving out hopefully it will be easier to deal with the emotions behind it all, start over and start focusign on YOU and what you want and deserve.

       

      Happy that there are others out there experiencing family's from hell that I can relate to. Glad I don't have ppl trying to manipulate the situation to get what they want, I've just gotten a few snarky comments from his parents about "not having the money to get married". Excuse me?! For starters they forked $50,000 out for his sister to get married at one of the most expensive golf courses around, not to mention hand her anything she wants. Yet we can't even get a congratulations on our engagement?! (we didn't even tell them for over a month because we knew they would be mad about it) Or even offer to help out at all? (which I'm totally okay with) but PUH-LEASE! Secondly We are taking things as they come and saving what we can. We don't have dates or anything set but we know where we want to go and we're just letting people know our plans so its not a huge SUPRISE you have to pull $1500 out of your butt for a trip. Suprisingly they took the destination wedding idea well, but they knew from the get go thats what we wanted to do since we had talked about it before even getting engaged. When I did throw an idea for a date out I got "welll...hmmm....we've booked our holidays for around that time and we were planning on going on a cruise....annnddd....we would really like to come...". Really?! You would rather go on a cruise than attend our wedding? Then proceeded to try and get me to change when we wanted to go ect. (dates arent set in stone but STILL) Now there just left with the disapointment that he's marrying me and not someone that goes to church. (NOTHING against religious people, I just don't attend church and that REALLLLLLY gets to them lol). It doesn't matter to them that he's happy with me and we make a great pair (not to toot my own horn or anything), I have a good job, I work my ass off, and I put up with there shit without opening my big mouth lol (which is really difficult by the way, I've always been rather outspoken).  It's funny, because now his sister brought up at a family dinner that she didnt have a budget when she got married their parents said price out what you want and we'll pay for it and now she's saying "if she could go back she would have a destination wedding with mainly family and whoever else could afford to come, blah blah blah" GIVE ME A BREAK! Needless to say my FI was PISSED and we left before even finishing dinner. WOW way to rub in our faces that she's a spoiled brat!! It's going to be very interesting when they find out that my FI's brother in-law (sisters husband) isn't invited to the wedding..thats going to be a wirl wind in itself. My FI and his brother in-law were working together and shit hit the fan and they are no longer speaking but thats a whole other story lol. Now I've got his family trying to get me to "make" him forgive his brother in-law which isn't going to happen, he's a big boy and can make that decision on his own. (another thing his family hates about me, I don't force him to do things he doesn't want to do lol - figure that one out) 

       

      Thats not even mentioning my side of the family..they are all supportive of our decisions but everything is just a mess over there. My mom and step-dad offered to pay for the majority of the wedding and were super excited about it, but now they are splitting up. So unfortinatley my mother moved to a different province for now and I never get to talk to her. She wants to buy my dress but sluffs me off when I bring anything about it up....and it's been on hold since May!!! (with a small deposit to hold it- WAY to long if you ask me). Thank god the lady I'm buying it from I've been able to make friends with and she knows my situation a little bit so she's been really good. I went and talked to her yesterday and decided that I will go ahead and buy the dress and if my mom still wants to pay for it she can pay me back. No more waiting around for this chick, I'm taking control now lol!!  I also talked to my step-dad the other day he said no matter what happens between him and my mom he still wanted to help with the wedding...I just feel kind of awkward about it now. It's not really his "job" to do that... SO I'll have to run it past the FI and see what he thinks. I think he'll probably feel just as guilty as me taking money from him but we'll see what happens. WOW if only things could work out nicely!!!

       

      WELL sorry for that massive rant you guys. Feels good to get it out though! Good luck to all you beautiful, wonderful ladies and I hope things all work out as you dream!!



       


      Staying strong through a cancelled engagement/wedding. Thankful for all the ladies here and hoping the best for everyone!!! xoxo

      #113 stluciabound

      stluciabound
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        Posted 17 November 2011 - 10:13 AM

        Personal update time... I think I really deserve to have a name for this rollercoaster of a year!! So, as of my last post of course we were getting along, but he was moving out, which he physically did. I went out with some girlfriends while he was moving because it was just too upsetting. Well, needless to say he called me histerical (and he NEVER cries) and begged me to come home. I did come home to talk, but we decided that it was still for the best. He moved most of his stuff, even his bed and all, and would go to his new place but kept coming back in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. I know this sounds ridiculous and counterproductive, but he just couldn't do it I guess. Anyway, we had a really long talk about everything, mainly his family of course, and he finally seemed to get the point. I think he was so busy resenting me for not putting up with their nonsense and pointing out that they aren't the perfect family that they portend to be that he couldn't see how destructive they really are. Anyway, he went over to his parents and told them that I am the woman he loves and wants to marry, how wrong they have been, and how he will never again let them come in between us. Most importantly, he took responsibility for not always having my back the way he should have and that I am the most important woman in his life and I come first. He then told the same to his brother and sister. Too little too late? I don't know yet. I know that I saw glimmers of "the old us" since then that are encouraging. His sister actually called me on my birthday since then and apologized for not calling sooner. His mom also called me the other day to formally invite me to Thanksgiving dinner (luckily I have a job where I could volunteer to work, so I dodged that bullet). Honestly,  I am  not nearly as concerned with their apologies as I am with the feeling it gave me to know that he really followed through with standing up to them enough for them to take a step. He apparently also told them that if and when I finally decide to come back over there that I would not be making any apologies to anyone (since I didn't do anything wrong to them, despite what they may say) and if there is any awkwardness/rudeness on their end that he would immediately take me and we would leave, not to return. Ugh. These are all the things I so desperately wanted to happen for so long. I just don't know if it's too late. I was finally strong enough to move on and now this. And why should it have to come to this for him to take me seriously? He did finally agree to go to counseling if that is what I want. I don't know. What do you ladies think? We have so much love and so much invested in this relationship... it's just all so confusing. Thanks for listening, as always....


        Staying strong through a cancelled engagement/wedding. Thankful for all the ladies here and hoping the best for everyone!!! xoxo

        #114 kat2012

        kat2012
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        • 602 posts

          Posted 17 November 2011 - 10:43 AM

          You sound like you want to give him a chance. In this situation you should do what your heart tells you. At the end of the day, everyone makes mistakes. If you can see that he actually wants to improve things and will keep standing up for you in the future, he might be worth a chance, since you guys have so much history. You should draw your decisions on what you think is right for you and if he is worth giving him a chance.

          If that would be me, I would give a chance to my FI... I am sure all the feelings did not go away....

          But before you make any decision, make sure that he is set his mind on having your back, give him some time to prove himself and then see from there.

          I really hope, things will turn out the way you want them to turn out.

          Each one of us will have our own opinion on things, follow what you think is the best in your situation.

          Good Luck girl!!! All the best



          #115 Sunshine2680

          Sunshine2680
          • Jr. Member
          • 465 posts

            Posted 17 November 2011 - 11:15 AM

            Stlucia....wow....I'm very surprised at this turn of events.
            More-so that he's followed up on talking to his family.
            I guess the question is...NOW WHAT??
            I hate to say this - but this is beyond what I think me or any of the other girls here can answer for you.
            Thats something that you'll have to answer for yourself.

            But i actually think its time to turn to the professionals. BOTH by yourself...AND with your man.
            You need to find out if the damage thats been done to your relationship is repairable or not.
            I think counseling is the best way to find that out.
            I'm not sure if your work offers any kind of EAP (Employee Assistance Program) - but mine does - we get 6 free counseling sessions..and my FI and I took advantage of it about a month ago.
            Mainly for 2 reasons - we we're staring to fight/argue in a very NON-healthy way. - to the point of me questioning if we were right for each other.....and because I think its important to have pre-marital counseling anyway.
            We've only gone for 3 sessions and I see a major difference already.
            Granted we're not attending for the same reasons you would be - but honestly its the best decision we coudl have made.
            Our conselor is non-biased and doesn't take sides at all. She simply lets us talk..she asks us questions and helps each of us interpret what the other is saying

            Because sometimes...I am fully on Venus and my FI is way off on Mars. No joke.


            Like I said - i think it shows great promise that your FI has come around the way he has - but at the same time - like you said...it may be too late. He's already failed you once with regards to his family. Whats to say he won't do it again?
            (Not trying to put doubts in your mind - just playing devils advocate here)

            Also - WHY NOW??
            Why at the sudden whim of him literally moving out does he change his tune?? (Btw - this kinda proves my previous theory correct about him not taking the 'break-up' seriously and having his cake and eat it too with the living situation)
            I guess I just worry that as soon as you 'come back' to him - he'll relax and go back to the way things were.
            I don't know - of course you know him better than anyone

            What I do know - is don't jump into ANYTHING at this point. TRIAL relationship time!  You guys haven't even had a full opportunity to see what life is like without each other. And I think thats what made him snap to begin with. But you shouldnt have to go to such extremes to get him to 'come around' and see your point of view.
            Unfortunately I think for you to truly believe that he's changed is to see it for your own eyes...and you've had a glimpse which is good - but I think you need to see more to really believe he means what he says about you being his #1.
            Right now I wouldn't even mention the thought of getting married to him until, A) you've decided to give your relationship a chance to HEAL and B) you've seen more proof

            of his promises to you.
            I surely hope he doesn't expect you to jump back in his arms and start re-planning the wedding JUST because he's stood up a little to his family. I personally think that's not enough after all you've endured. But thats just me.

            These are all things you're going to have to go through in your head....but don't forget your heart too! You need to ask yourself questions like...'can I trust him again?'
            'Do I still see a permanent future with him?'  'Even though his family has reached out - have they mended their damage? and can I expect a lifetime of their BS?'
            'How do you FEEL when you're with him?' ** Remember - this is a man you agreed to marry - but also realized the 'true' him through this whole mess too!**
            I would maybe go back to some of your earlier postings when all the drama was going on - and read what you wrote about him and his family. Granted- you were upset and emotional - but you have to ask yourself if you still feel the same way?

            Sorry for the rant - hope I gave you something to go with! Keep us posted as usual!



             

            Originally Posted by stluciabound 

            Personal update time... I think I really deserve to have a name for this rollercoaster of a year!! So, as of my last post of course we were getting along, but he was moving out, which he physically did. I went out with some girlfriends while he was moving because it was just too upsetting. Well, needless to say he called me histerical (and he NEVER cries) and begged me to come home. I did come home to talk, but we decided that it was still for the best. He moved most of his stuff, even his bed and all, and would go to his new place but kept coming back in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. I know this sounds ridiculous and counterproductive, but he just couldn't do it I guess. Anyway, we had a really long talk about everything, mainly his family of course, and he finally seemed to get the point. I think he was so busy resenting me for not putting up with their nonsense and pointing out that they aren't the perfect family that they portend to be that he couldn't see how destructive they really are. Anyway, he went over to his parents and told them that I am the woman he loves and wants to marry, how wrong they have been, and how he will never again let them come in between us. Most importantly, he took responsibility for not always having my back the way he should have and that I am the most important woman in his life and I come first. He then told the same to his brother and sister. Too little too late? I don't know yet. I know that I saw glimmers of "the old us" since then that are encouraging. His sister actually called me on my birthday since then and apologized for not calling sooner. His mom also called me the other day to formally invite me to Thanksgiving dinner (luckily I have a job where I could volunteer to work, so I dodged that bullet). Honestly,  I am  not nearly as concerned with their apologies as I am with the feeling it gave me to know that he really followed through with standing up to them enough for them to take a step. He apparently also told them that if and when I finally decide to come back over there that I would not be making any apologies to anyone (since I didn't do anything wrong to them, despite what they may say) and if there is any awkwardness/rudeness on their end that he would immediately take me and we would leave, not to return. Ugh. These are all the things I so desperately wanted to happen for so long. I just don't know if it's too late. I was finally strong enough to move on and now this. And why should it have to come to this for him to take me seriously? He did finally agree to go to counseling if that is what I want. I don't know. What do you ladies think? We have so much love and so much invested in this relationship... it's just all so confusing. Thanks for listening, as always....



             



            #116 Brenners

            Brenners
            • Member
            • 807 posts

              Posted 19 November 2011 - 01:03 PM

              Sunshine, I could not agree with you more.  St Lucia you are confused and unsure of what to do right now which is totally understandable.  Take your time and I really do think that seeking counseling would help as well.  The emotional roller coaster you are on makes it difficult to see things clearly and make any decisions at this time.  Go slowly and make the decisions that are right for you.  Not to sound mean, but don't worry about your former fiance's feelings.  Focus on you - what you want and whether or not you can do two things.  1.  Forgive and  2.  Trust.  If you can't do those things, then you can't have a relationship with him.  Good luck and keep us posted!
               

              Originally Posted by kat2012 

              You sound like you want to give him a chance. In this situation you should do what your heart tells you. At the end of the day, everyone makes mistakes. If you can see that he actually wants to improve things and will keep standing up for you in the future, he might be worth a chance, since you guys have so much history. You should draw your decisions on what you think is right for you and if he is worth giving him a chance.

              If that would be me, I would give a chance to my FI... I am sure all the feelings did not go away....

              But before you make any decision, make sure that he is set his mind on having your back, give him some time to prove himself and then see from there.

              I really hope, things will turn out the way you want them to turn out.

              Each one of us will have our own opinion on things, follow what you think is the best in your situation.

              Good Luck girl!!! All the best



               



              Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

              Stlucia....wow....I'm very surprised at this turn of events.
              More-so that he's followed up on talking to his family.
              I guess the question is...NOW WHAT??
              I hate to say this - but this is beyond what I think me or any of the other girls here can answer for you.
              Thats something that you'll have to answer for yourself.

              But i actually think its time to turn to the professionals. BOTH by yourself...AND with your man.
              You need to find out if the damage thats been done to your relationship is repairable or not.
              I think counseling is the best way to find that out.
              I'm not sure if your work offers any kind of EAP (Employee Assistance Program) - but mine does - we get 6 free counseling sessions..and my FI and I took advantage of it about a month ago.
              Mainly for 2 reasons - we we're staring to fight/argue in a very NON-healthy way. - to the point of me questioning if we were right for each other.....and because I think its important to have pre-marital counseling anyway.
              We've only gone for 3 sessions and I see a major difference already.
              Granted we're not attending for the same reasons you would be - but honestly its the best decision we coudl have made.
              Our conselor is non-biased and doesn't take sides at all. She simply lets us talk..she asks us questions and helps each of us interpret what the other is saying

              Because sometimes...I am fully on Venus and my FI is way off on Mars. No joke.


              Like I said - i think it shows great promise that your FI has come around the way he has - but at the same time - like you said...it may be too late. He's already failed you once with regards to his family. Whats to say he won't do it again?
              (Not trying to put doubts in your mind - just playing devils advocate here)

              Also - WHY NOW??
              Why at the sudden whim of him literally moving out does he change his tune?? (Btw - this kinda proves my previous theory correct about him not taking the 'break-up' seriously and having his cake and eat it too with the living situation)
              I guess I just worry that as soon as you 'come back' to him - he'll relax and go back to the way things were.
              I don't know - of course you know him better than anyone

              What I do know - is don't jump into ANYTHING at this point. TRIAL relationship time!  You guys haven't even had a full opportunity to see what life is like without each other. And I think thats what made him snap to begin with. But you shouldnt have to go to such extremes to get him to 'come around' and see your point of view.
              Unfortunately I think for you to truly believe that he's changed is to see it for your own eyes...and you've had a glimpse which is good - but I think you need to see more to really believe he means what he says about you being his #1.
              Right now I wouldn't even mention the thought of getting married to him until, A) you've decided to give your relationship a chance to HEAL and B) you've seen more proof

              of his promises to you.
              I surely hope he doesn't expect you to jump back in his arms and start re-planning the wedding JUST because he's stood up a little to his family. I personally think that's not enough after all you've endured. But thats just me.

              These are all things you're going to have to go through in your head....but don't forget your heart too! You need to ask yourself questions like...'can I trust him again?'
              'Do I still see a permanent future with him?'  'Even though his family has reached out - have they mended their damage? and can I expect a lifetime of their BS?'
              'How do you FEEL when you're with him?' ** Remember - this is a man you agreed to marry - but also realized the 'true' him through this whole mess too!**
              I would maybe go back to some of your earlier postings when all the drama was going on - and read what you wrote about him and his family. Granted- you were upset and emotional - but you have to ask yourself if you still feel the same way?

              Sorry for the rant - hope I gave you something to go with! Keep us posted as usual!



               



               



               



              #117 dallace

              dallace
              • Jr. Member
              • 220 posts

                Posted 21 November 2011 - 10:57 AM


                Yes I'm super lucky and grateful my FI and I are on the same page. I will definately take your advice about not letting things get to out of control (or I'll try my best lol) and approach his family together. 2 of us is better than 1!! I'm glad that he has always done his best to stand up for me when his parents bring things up that they shouldn't be because when I get angry enough I get loud and I don't have much of a filter...the words they would be hearing out of my mouth would blow them out of this world lol. They have actually gone to the extent of opening my visa statement and then felt the need to make a comment about what I owe. I was so shocked I literally couldn't even find the words to say anything back! My FI actually suprisingly mentioned the other day that if his parents don't at least offer to help with the wedding he doesn't want them there. I was super suprised by this but the way he put it was if they can pay for his sisters entire wedding without any questions asked then they can at least offer to help. Especially when they will most likely pay for her to attend our wedding as well. So that could get rather ugly, but we'll deal with that when the time comes lol. We've almost gotten to the point where we're ready to pack up and go get married by ourselves on the beach in paradise. Screw everyone else lol. It is our day and only we matter!

                I can't believe that they made a comment about if you were to have kids you would "need" to raise them in church. What a load of balogna! At least there somewhat open to the idea of you having kids. My FI's parents actually told me they hope we don't decide to have kids because it's really hard. Almost implying that we would neglect and abuse our children our something. I'm well aware that raising children is "hard" but what is'nt? I was rather taken back by that one considering they are completely estatic that his sister is going on baby #2. They are worried about us having kids but his sister (and husband) is swimming in debt, they just had a brand new house built for them because their newly renod house wasnt good enough, they bought a brand new van because their brand new car (that they are still making payments on) was "to small", not to mention there business is so far in the hole its rediculas. They are constantly fighting (in front of the child they already have), and a month ago they were going through marraige councelling. Lets just throw a baby in the mix of everything that will make it all better!! Sorry that was a little hostile but after being told we shouldn't have kids to them being excited about his sister to have another baby when it clearly isn't a good time realliy eerked me. 
                 

                Originally Posted by stluciabound 



                Welcome Dallace! Sorry it couldn't be for a more pleasant topic, but glad you found us :) The ladies on here have been so wonderful and have helped me get through the most difficult time of my life. I am sure you will find the same. I am sorry to hear that you are going through what seems to be such a similar situation as I faced. It sounds though like at least you and your FI are on the same page, which makes all the difference. I will never understand why people (especially a non-contributing groom's family) think they have the right for so much negative input. It is amazing to me that they can so bluntly express that your wedding is not a priority to them, yet they expect you to alter it so that THEY are the priority. Where do these people come from? And as for the sister's comment... I also faced a similar situation with his sister who also had her entire wedding paid for by their parents making comments about my choices. Really? If you didn't pay a dime for your own wedding you have no right to judge me for the decisions I need to make about my own!

                I can also totally relate to not being accepted due to the church aspect. His family wasn't as openly disrespectul about it as your FI's, but I know it really bothered them. She did make comments about how when we had kids I would "need" to raise them in the church. Excuse me? Like you said, nothing against the religion, but it is a personal choice with no place in an in-law dinner conversation (and this was even pre-engagement)! It sounds like they decided in their heads what the "perfect daughter in-law" would be for them and have completely disregarded what is really important... the quality of the relationship you two have. It is a load of crap. My best advice,coming from someone who had everything destroyed by this same behavior, is not to let it get out of control and always make sure you and your FI present all of your decisions as a united choice. The moment they think there is any weakness they take advantage of the opportunity to exploit it. At least that was my experience. In any event, I wish you the very best of luck and am sure you wiill have the wedding and happiness you deserve :) In the meantime... we are all here for you!!!!



                 



                St. Lucia, Happy to hear things are going better for you. Sunshine you nailed it!!  I definetely think that councelling is a good thing for both of you at this point. I know for me councelling would be SO hard but if I was you I would give it a go. After all you've been through in the last little while with your relationship I think it would do both of you some good! Then it can open both of your eyes as to what went wrong in the relationship, what you can do to change it, or whether it's worth repairing. Everything is super confusing right now but you need to step back and think about what YOU want and how YOU are feeling about everything. Don't think about what others "want" you to do, think about what's healthy for you and what makes you happy!  It's unfortinate you had to go to drastic measures to get any sort of reaction out of him, but depending on the kind of person he is it may take more drastic measures for him to open his eyes. (some people are just super bull headed and wont see things until it slaps them in the face...really hard lol.) Like the other ladies said I would definately take things slow...it may be hard with all your history but you don't want to just jump into things again and then find out that he's going to slump back to his old ways. It's great that right now he's standing up for you and telling his family you are #1 to him, but he needs to know this is how it ALWAYS needs to be if you guys are going to give it another try. You deserve to have a man that will always stand up for you, not just when he's realized he screwed up big time. From here, noone can tell you what you "should" do, it's all on you and how you are feeling about everything going on. Good luck an d keep your chin up!



                Originally Posted by stluciabound 

                Personal update time... I think I really deserve to have a name for this rollercoaster of a year!! So, as of my last post of course we were getting along, but he was moving out, which he physically did. I went out with some girlfriends while he was moving because it was just too upsetting. Well, needless to say he called me histerical (and he NEVER cries) and begged me to come home. I did come home to talk, but we decided that it was still for the best. He moved most of his stuff, even his bed and all, and would go to his new place but kept coming back in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. I know this sounds ridiculous and counterproductive, but he just couldn't do it I guess. Anyway, we had a really long talk about everything, mainly his family of course, and he finally seemed to get the point. I think he was so busy resenting me for not putting up with their nonsense and pointing out that they aren't the perfect family that they portend to be that he couldn't see how destructive they really are. Anyway, he went over to his parents and told them that I am the woman he loves and wants to marry, how wrong they have been, and how he will never again let them come in between us. Most importantly, he took responsibility for not always having my back the way he should have and that I am the most important woman in his life and I come first. He then told the same to his brother and sister. Too little too late? I don't know yet. I know that I saw glimmers of "the old us" since then that are encouraging. His sister actually called me on my birthday since then and apologized for not calling sooner. His mom also called me the other day to formally invite me to Thanksgiving dinner (luckily I have a job where I could volunteer to work, so I dodged that bullet). Honestly,  I am  not nearly as concerned with their apologies as I am with the feeling it gave me to know that he really followed through with standing up to them enough for them to take a step. He apparently also told them that if and when I finally decide to come back over there that I would not be making any apologies to anyone (since I didn't do anything wrong to them, despite what they may say) and if there is any awkwardness/rudeness on their end that he would immediately take me and we would leave, not to return. Ugh. These are all the things I so desperately wanted to happen for so long. I just don't know if it's too late. I was finally strong enough to move on and now this. And why should it have to come to this for him to take me seriously? He did finally agree to go to counseling if that is what I want. I don't know. What do you ladies think? We have so much love and so much invested in this relationship... it's just all so confusing. Thanks for listening, as always....



                 



                #118 mdcoug

                mdcoug
                • Newbie
                • 128 posts

                  Posted 02 December 2011 - 06:18 PM

                  StLuciabound, 

                   

                  My goodness it took him moving out to see that you were serious and standing your ground that you were not going to be pushed around by his family. I agree with all of the ladies above, you will have to trust your gut, follow your heart with caution, and go to counseling. I think like Sunshine stated the counseling will be able to bring to light if he is truly a changed man and has seen the light or is this all fluff and the moment things get tough again he is liable to cave in.  Also with counseling it will help you to determine if you really want to pursue this down this road with him again. If you decide to go down this road again with him, you want to know that he truly has your back, and is willing to stand up to his family whenever necessary. I would hate for you to let him back in emotionally to only have you get hurt again. Make sure you can truly forgive and trust him again.



                  #119 Sunshine2680

                  Sunshine2680
                  • Jr. Member
                  • 465 posts

                    Posted 06 January 2012 - 08:17 AM

                    Just checking in on your Stlucia...how are things since we last heard from you?

                    Hope your Christmas was good and things are heading into a positive direction for you.

                    Would love to hear from you!



                    #120 Brenners

                    Brenners
                    • Member
                    • 807 posts

                      Posted 08 January 2012 - 11:19 AM

                      I was wondering the same thing.  How are you St. Lucia? 

                       

                      My family is obsessed with our AHR that is planned for May 5th (didn't intentionally pick Cinco de Mayo!) so they are focusing on that since none will be going to Mexico.  A bit of a pain as they expect me to drop everything to plan the AHR and focus solely on that, but I have most of it planned out now so hopefully they will leave me the hell alone so I can enjoy Mexico.  Ugh.






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