Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[WeddingMay]

I am sooo sorry for all of the crap you all have had to go through just for choosing a DW. I have had snide remarks (yea! like I can afford to go there) and I KNOW there have been behind my back comments (my cousins have said so) but not nearly as bad. BTW, so true that many people who don't come are just saying that your wedding isn't nearly as important as _______ (fill in the blank with my trip to crapville or my new dining room table or...well, you know). So, if that's how you feel I really don't want you there then!

 

Good luck fellow brides...I'll be thinking good thoughts for all of us!

[Sunshine2680]

Wow - so glad this forum has helped out so many brides out there! I seriously thought I was one of the only ones dealing with this crap! Clearly I was wrong - and its sooo nice to know we're not alone in this.

Mdcoug - so sorry about your situation also. I truly sympathize. What I hate is that these families don't seem to care

that they're $hitting on your wedding vibe/mojo! I started to become very deflated and unmotivated to continue planning my wedding with all the negativity.
But somehow you just have to try and look past it all and remind yourself that you're getting married for YOU and no one else.
And while you'd like to have them all be there - the most important people WILL be..and thats you and your fiance.

We're having an 'open house' deal after the wedding too - and I can already tell you there's some people I hope won't come to that either.
Unfortunately you can't pick your family - and you just have to find a way to keep your chin up and find your tougher skin to get through it all.

[Brenners]

I agree that I find it challenging to stay motivated and energetic about what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.  I have especially lost interest in planning the AHR.  I struggled with that item to begin with (trying to make it cost-effective yet also make our guests feel special and appreciated) and now I have no desire to entertain or host some people who have become nothing short of nasty.  I am trying to find a way to stay positive, focus on the joy and think of only my fiance's and mine happiness.  I am so grateful for this thread because I truly find it comforting not to be alone in this drama and mess.
 

Originally Posted by mdcoug 

Ladies, 

 

Can I just say I am so glad that I found this section of the forum. I knew others have dealt with/or were going through what I am dealing with. I like many of you have said from the beginning knew that by having a DW that many of the people we would be inviting would not be able to attend, but I figured that we could do a little BBQ a couple of weeks after we get back. I am truly OK with someone telling me that they can not come due to cost. But I do a problem when you tell me you can not come, then turn around and make me feel like I am terrible person for wanting to have my wedding somewhere other then then the state we live in. We chose destination mainly for cost and also because we had not gone on vacation in sometime.  I was super, super excited about having a DW in Turks and Caicos but after the craziness started ramping up I have lost a little bit of my zing. For us it is my FI family, my FI mood was changing so I knew the family was on his case about something but didn't know what. I was also getting the little hints with comments such as " is this place expensive?" Then last week it finally came out that they would not be coming. Soo like others WE got into it because I was immediately asked with allot of attitude " why did you pick a place so expensive?" and " is it too late to change now?" Now on the defensive I wasn't really sure how to fire back on these allegations with out being super angry and nasty.  I told everyone from the get go we would be paying for his mom to come so please do not worry about her cost, but now I feel like there is this extremely weird vibe between them and me.  They were originally talking to me about it then switched to just talking to him. I guess I should have said from the beginning every since we moved into our house there has been non-stop comments about what I don't have, this isn't good enough, why don't I do this, you paid too much for that so in some ways I should have expected this from them but is still doesn't make me feel any better and my FI really doesn't stand up to them either.  I am at the stage now where I do not want to even do the BBQ afterward, I am just so angry more with myself that I have allowed them to make me feel so bad to the point where I was starting to think maybe I should see if I could move it to a different location.  

 

 

 

Originally Posted by WeddingMay 

I am sooo sorry for all of the crap you all have had to go through just for choosing a DW. I have had snide remarks (yea! like I can afford to go there) and I KNOW there have been behind my back comments (my cousins have said so) but not nearly as bad. BTW, so true that many people who don't come are just saying that your wedding isn't nearly as important as _______ (fill in the blank with my trip to crapville or my new dining room table or...well, you know). So, if that's how you feel I really don't want you there then!

 

Good luck fellow brides...I'll be thinking good thoughts for all of us!

 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

Wow - so glad this forum has helped out so many brides out there! I seriously thought I was one of the only ones dealing with this crap! Clearly I was wrong - and its sooo nice to know we're not alone in this.

Mdcoug - so sorry about your situation also. I truly sympathize. What I hate is that these families don't seem to care

that they're $hitting on your wedding vibe/mojo! I started to become very deflated and unmotivated to continue planning my wedding with all the negativity.
But somehow you just have to try and look past it all and remind yourself that you're getting married for YOU and no one else.
And while you'd like to have them all be there - the most important people WILL be..and thats you and your fiance.

We're having an 'open house' deal after the wedding too - and I can already tell you there's some people I hope won't come to that either.
Unfortunately you can't pick your family - and you just have to find a way to keep your chin up and find your tougher skin to get through it all.

 

[stluciabound]

Well chicadees.... It's official. My wedding and my marriage are off. It has taken me this long to be able to physically write the words and you are the first ones to officially here it. Not even the resort knows yet, but somehow I have been lucky enough to find friends in all of you. His family is absolutely the most evil, despicable (sp?) people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing and he is under their spell so I have to move on. I gave him back the ring a month ago and guess where he brought it??? Where else?? but to his mommy. A 31 year old grown man that never showed any signs of being a pathetic mamma's boy in the 4 years we have been together. I thought I was going to throw up. Apparently she was afraid if he left it in our house I would "steal" it. WHAT?!?!?!?! First of all, it's my ring that we paid for using our joint account, second of all I am the one that gave it back to him, and third of all how the HELL can I steal something that was given to me?? I didn't cancel the wedding... he did on account of me not forgiving his family for all the horrible things they did over a 9 month period. If I wanted the damn ring I think I should have it in order to pay back the people that lost money on trusting that we were getting married in St Lucia and loved us enough to actually book (unlike them). But I didn't even ask for that. She is such a sick B***h. Talk about the ultimate slap in the face. Now talk about the ultimate awkwardness... we still live together and function as a unit as we always have on a daily basis. We have decided that we are splitting up, but neither of us can really afford to leave at the moment so we just continue to function as best we can. Honestly our only fights even still are only when his family comes up. How sad to lose your marriage over exterior influences and not your own relationship. I wouldn't believe my own story if I wasn't living through it, but I just know I have to leave. I despise his family, but that doesn't nearly bother me as much as sitting across the table from the man I agreed to marry and watch him watch his family act like pieces of s**t and destroy us and still defend them. I believe once you choose to marry someone that they become the family you have chosen to protect before anyone else. I guess unless you are a closet momma's boy. I am just trying to be as strong as I can and make an effort to laugh more each day than I do cry. As long as I am doing that I know I will be ok. I have made a 6 month plan to move from Fl to the beach in NC near my best friend and cousin, which is halfway closer to my parents in PA. I think a fresh start will be just what I need. He doesn't know of this plan yet. We still need to divide the house/cars/bank/insurance and such. What a mess. Literally a full on divorce less the judge. What a confusing nightmare this is. I wish you all the very best in dealing with each of your situations. I pray I never read a similar post from any of you and only stories of progress and excitement... and amazingly perfect weddings!! Thank you so much for all your support along the way, your support has helped me more than you could ever know. This is one of the few places I never felt alone. Thank you so much ladies!

[anudrm]

Wow, I am truly sorry to hear this. I too have in-laws from hell and I have the devil bitch according to them. Not to make light of your situation.  I have had the stones thrown at me, only for my husband (then bf) to stand by and allow them to do it.  It took us hitting bottom, only one income and the only support was from my mother for him to wake up and see.  No I am not trying to take him away from his family, yet when you have people constantly trying to destroy something that God has built, then you really need to look deep inside and see what is worth fighting for.

 

With all that being said, we too just recently had an argument/disagreement. None of his family is coming and he had the audacity to say that I planned a DW with all intentions of not having any of them there. (Yes this is true but we decided a DW together, so don't paint me as the bad guy) I bend over backwards to accomodate them and all they do is complain and ask why they can't stick their 6!(ks up me @$$ further. Please excuse the foul language. I stay in Virginia, they wanted a wedding in Florida. WTH do I have to travel to a location to accommodate you?!?!? You aren't thinking of no one but yourself.  

 

I am truly sorry, that he allowed them to break up your relationship.  

 

"So God created man in his own image, 

in the image of God he created him; 
male and female he created them. 
And God blessed them, and God said to them, 
"Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it."

Book of Genesis 1:27-28

 

Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother 
and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.

 

 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

Well chicadees.... It's official. My wedding and my marriage are off. It has taken me this long to be able to physically write the words and you are the first ones to officially here it. Not even the resort knows yet, but somehow I have been lucky enough to find friends in all of you. His family is absolutely the most evil, despicable (sp?) people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing and he is under their spell so I have to move on. I gave him back the ring a month ago and guess where he brought it??? Where else?? but to his mommy. A 31 year old grown man that never showed any signs of being a pathetic mamma's boy in the 4 years we have been together. I thought I was going to throw up. Apparently she was afraid if he left it in our house I would "steal" it. WHAT?!?!?!?! First of all, it's my ring that we paid for using our joint account, second of all I am the one that gave it back to him, and third of all how the HELL can I steal something that was given to me?? I didn't cancel the wedding... he did on account of me not forgiving his family for all the horrible things they did over a 9 month period. If I wanted the damn ring I think I should have it in order to pay back the people that lost money on trusting that we were getting married in St Lucia and loved us enough to actually book (unlike them). But I didn't even ask for that. She is such a sick B***h. Talk about the ultimate slap in the face. Now talk about the ultimate awkwardness... we still live together and function as a unit as we always have on a daily basis. We have decided that we are splitting up, but neither of us can really afford to leave at the moment so we just continue to function as best we can. Honestly our only fights even still are only when his family comes up. How sad to lose your marriage over exterior influences and not your own relationship. I wouldn't believe my own story if I wasn't living through it, but I just know I have to leave. I despise his family, but that doesn't nearly bother me as much as sitting across the table from the man I agreed to marry and watch him watch his family act like pieces of s**t and destroy us and still defend them. I believe once you choose to marry someone that they become the family you have chosen to protect before anyone else. I guess unless you are a closet momma's boy. I am just trying to be as strong as I can and make an effort to laugh more each day than I do cry. As long as I am doing that I know I will be ok. I have made a 6 month plan to move from Fl to the beach in NC near my best friend and cousin, which is halfway closer to my parents in PA. I think a fresh start will be just what I need. He doesn't know of this plan yet. We still need to divide the house/cars/bank/insurance and such. What a mess. Literally a full on divorce less the judge. What a confusing nightmare this is. I wish you all the very best in dealing with each of your situations. I pray I never read a similar post from any of you and only stories of progress and excitement... and amazingly perfect weddings!! Thank you so much for all your support along the way, your support has helped me more than you could ever know. This is one of the few places I never felt alone. Thank you so much ladies!

 

[Sunshine2680]

 

OMG!!

I was just thinking about you the other day st.lucia. Thinking that it has been such a long time since we've had an update from you - i figured it was either because things were going fantastic or totally horrible. I'm so sorry to hear its the later.
My heart goes out to you - I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I'm sure you blame his family big-time and rightfully-so. But He's really the one who let the two of you break. They certainly started the whole thing but if he truly didn't want to let it ruin his future with you he wouldn't have let it.
As hard as it is to say ..and even worse to hear. Things happen for a reason.
You may not understand it all now - i can tell there's a lot of anger and hurt still and there will be for a while. But in time it will all become clear for you. And who knows?..maybe this is fates way of saving you from a lifetime of misery with his family. I guess thats one positive you can take away from all this.
Also be glad you found out what your ex-FI was all about before committing for the rest of your life. Unfortunately its circumstances like these that bring out peoples true colors.
One of my bestest friends just separated from her husband. Together 14yrs and married 3. He just up and left. Initially she was torn - but now she's seeing all the good in the situation and she's getting her fresh start/2nd chance at happiness. Maybe this is yours too!
I'm glad some of us were able to help you through this (somewhat) - even though we're perfect strangers - I think i can speak for everyone here and say we're here for you no matter what. Even though you're not getting married anymore - i think this thread will be kept alive for any brides that have had to deal with crap like this. So feel free to stop by and let us know how you're doing. I know I want to help you get over this the best I can.
Chin up!! trust that everything will fall into place as it should. Just give it time. And remember we're here for ya in the meantime!!

 

 

[kat2012]

Your story made me cry, I feel so sorry for you. But i agree with Sunshine, things happen for a reason and it is good thing (even thou it does not look like it at the moment) that you were able to see the way he is. It is very painful now, but it could be even more painful and expensive to have to deal with him and his nightmarish family. 

I am sure you will find the best guy for you, cause you absolutely deserve one. 

I am sure, once you leave he will realize what a moron he was to loose someone like you.

I wish you all the best in your new beginnings and I know some time later you will look back and think that it (break up) was one of the best things that happened in your life.

HUGS
 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

Well chicadees.... It's official. My wedding and my marriage are off. It has taken me this long to be able to physically write the words and you are the first ones to officially here it. Not even the resort knows yet, but somehow I have been lucky enough to find friends in all of you. His family is absolutely the most evil, despicable (sp?) people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing and he is under their spell so I have to move on. I gave him back the ring a month ago and guess where he brought it??? Where else?? but to his mommy. A 31 year old grown man that never showed any signs of being a pathetic mamma's boy in the 4 years we have been together. I thought I was going to throw up. Apparently she was afraid if he left it in our house I would "steal" it. WHAT?!?!?!?! First of all, it's my ring that we paid for using our joint account, second of all I am the one that gave it back to him, and third of all how the HELL can I steal something that was given to me?? I didn't cancel the wedding... he did on account of me not forgiving his family for all the horrible things they did over a 9 month period. If I wanted the damn ring I think I should have it in order to pay back the people that lost money on trusting that we were getting married in St Lucia and loved us enough to actually book (unlike them). But I didn't even ask for that. She is such a sick B***h. Talk about the ultimate slap in the face. Now talk about the ultimate awkwardness... we still live together and function as a unit as we always have on a daily basis. We have decided that we are splitting up, but neither of us can really afford to leave at the moment so we just continue to function as best we can. Honestly our only fights even still are only when his family comes up. How sad to lose your marriage over exterior influences and not your own relationship. I wouldn't believe my own story if I wasn't living through it, but I just know I have to leave. I despise his family, but that doesn't nearly bother me as much as sitting across the table from the man I agreed to marry and watch him watch his family act like pieces of s**t and destroy us and still defend them. I believe once you choose to marry someone that they become the family you have chosen to protect before anyone else. I guess unless you are a closet momma's boy. I am just trying to be as strong as I can and make an effort to laugh more each day than I do cry. As long as I am doing that I know I will be ok. I have made a 6 month plan to move from Fl to the beach in NC near my best friend and cousin, which is halfway closer to my parents in PA. I think a fresh start will be just what I need. He doesn't know of this plan yet. We still need to divide the house/cars/bank/insurance and such. What a mess. Literally a full on divorce less the judge. What a confusing nightmare this is. I wish you all the very best in dealing with each of your situations. I pray I never read a similar post from any of you and only stories of progress and excitement... and amazingly perfect weddings!! Thank you so much for all your support along the way, your support has helped me more than you could ever know. This is one of the few places I never felt alone. Thank you so much ladies!

 

[Peach]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. I am actually tearing up here.... Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I am glad that we were/are able to offer a shoulder and an ear right now. (And always!!!) And I do agree with the other ladies. Thank God you are finding this out now! It must be so difficult for you! I was just thinking about you yesterday... 

I am so sorry. You sound like you have a great attitude about it right now, confusing though your situation may be, and you should be proud of that. And yes, I think a fresh start - closer to people who love and support you and are actually there for you - is exactly the right idea. 

All the best always. You deserve it.

Hugs.

[Brenners]

stluciabound, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  It is very sad that your fiance chose a demanding, selfish and horrible family over your relationship.  However, if he is that weak and unable to cut the cord, then you are likely better off without him down the road.  No children who will have to be exposed to his family and their cruel ways and even though you have to separate your belongings now, you can have a fresh start with people who love and support you.  Don't ever settle for the bare minimum amount that someone will give you.  If they don't support you and your relationship, then they will not be there when things get truly trying and difficult.  You deserve someone who supports you, your relationship and wants to do everything they can to protect it.  Know that we are all here for you.

[mdcoug]

stluciabound, 

 

Ohhh sweetie I am soo sorry that your situation took a turn for the worst instead of the better. Like the other ladies have said it is extremely painfully now, but keep your eyes, and heart open and you will find that special someone that deserves you. You deserve someone that will support you and be able to make decisions for himself. Keep your head up and spirits up.