32 replies to this topic

[LMango]

This is going to suck hard to read.

 

My former FI and I were supposed to be married this summer (2011) at my parent's oceanfront house in British Columbia. Up until two weeks ago, we were searching for houses. He couldn't afford a downpayment on the house, so I was going to have to pay the entire 20% (please keep in mind house prices in British Columbia are ridiculously high). Basically, he did not want to have only my name on the title of the house, regardless of who payed the downpayment. I cannot hand over half my money, even with love, trust, blah blah blah, it is is not going to happen.

 

So he told me on email while I was at work, "it's over, and I am moving out."

 

You're all getting married and happy, so I assume you understand the devastation I felt. I did not go home after work. I drove the three hours to my parent's house and let myself fall into their arms.

 

Apparently, he did not think I would take him seriously. He never wanted to break up, and was horrified to hear I canceled all the confirmations I had made with wedding vendors. Maybe it's just me, but when someone you're about to marry says "it's over," I kind of get the impression the wedding isn't going to happen.....I told him not to be at home when I get back. So he rented some crappy apartment. So he was upset to hear I took him seriously, he tells me repeatedly over the next week how sorry he is, how he can't imagine life without me, how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, basically everything you'd expect to hear from someone groveling to you. It was my birthday the following week, too, so he bought me diamonds, and flooded my home with roses and assorted flowers.

 

We are taking a month off from talking to each other or emailing each other.

I'm not sure how I feel. I'm angry and hurt that he put me and my family through this. I'm embarrassed my fiance left me 3 months before our wedding. I'm sad, because I hate and miss and love him. I'm very confused. We had problems before he "left," because he is a slob and never cleans up after himself.....I still love him. But I feel like if I gave him another chance, people would think I was some pathetic girl. I feel like I'd be letting people down if I gave him another chance.

 

What would you guys do?

[royalbride610]

Well, I don't know anything about your relationship, but personally I would give him another chance...  He said he didn't really mean it, and although it was a HORRIBLY bad joke, maybe you reacted a little to quickly.

 

I think you should have spoke with him before you called everything off, I know that it had to be extremely devastating to read that email, but reacting while your upset doesn't make it much better...

 

 

[LMango]

Thank you for writing.....you're right: I reacted way too quickly. What an absolute assface he is for trying to manipulate me into letting him be on title. But still. I hate that I love and miss him so much.

 

I know this: if we ever do continue with the relationship and get married, I'm thinking Vegas. o_O

[X-Chan]

I would have done exactly what you did. I have very little tolerance for ill-intended selfish actions.. What did he think would come out of telling you it's over 3 months before the wedding? I would have maybe said to give it a try if he had said it's over and meant it, and then decided that maybe it's worth it to work it out. But to say it as a joke?? What the hell, seriously??

Sorry but, I wouldn't look back. You said you were having problems already and usually these problems will only intensify after the marriage. And with the little stunt he just pulled, it's clear that its his way or else and that he won't be willing to work out the issues and compromise together.

[mochamakes3]

I understand that there is a lot of emotions involved. I think maybe you did react a little quickly canceling everything, but he was very hurtful to you. I think I would have been very hurt if my FI was unable to contribute to a down payment but still wanted his name on the title. I think he should have found a way to contribute something. Especially if he was able to find the money for diamonds and flowers.

 

You had planned on marrying him, so of course you love him. But I think it will take time to get over the hurt feelings. It's good that you are taking some time apart. Sometimes people just need to figure out their sh*t. Maybe now would be a good time for you to keep moving forward with a plan to buy a home on your own.

 

Good luck!

[harkatea]

Hey, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.  That has to be such a difficult situation to navigate.  And only you two can know what's right for your future, either together or apart.

 

But truth be told, miscommunications are part of marriage.  Challenges happen, especially when it comes to spending money, and those are things that you need to work through in order to allow for any happy times within the marriage.  My FI and I were blessed to do some premaritial classes to talk about communication, finances, etc. and I would really recommend trying that or at least talking through the issue of the house payment and working those things out before committing to spending your lives together.

[hwilley218]

First off I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, what a rollercoaster of emotions you must be feeling. But that said, if you felt strongly enough about not sharing the title with him, I think you need to figure out why that is, lack of trust? Whatever it is- it might be that you were having the same concerns towards a marriage with him. Just something to think about...

  

[Sharon99]

I am sorry you have to go through this. I agree with all the above comments. I just also wanted to add who cares what anyone thinks. Dont worry about letting anyone down or what they think about your situation. This is your life and no one knows how your relationship iswas with each other.  You have to decide whats best and the right thing to do for you & not think about anyone else but you. Of course you love him and he loves you so I am sure this is hard to do. Maybe see how you feel after your break?  Hang in there. It may not seem so now but everything will work itself out.

[Pucca]

I'm so sorry to read about this. It's awful having to go through it, period, let alone three months prior to your wedding. Albeit you may have reacted while your emotions were still running high, I think it was quite irresponsible of him to send that sort of email because the issue is not a light one. Having said that, the above comments of you doing what is right for you is totally spot on. No one knows your relationship better than you. And you should do what you feel in your heart to do. I agree with Sharon99:who cares what other people think? At the end of the day, you are the one who will be going to sleep with him and waking up next to him the following day. The only one you should worry about letting down is yourself and being true to what you want, despite what it may look like to other people.

 

Obviously relationships are imperfect and there will always be challenges, most stemming from misinterpretations and misunderstandings between the two people involved. A lot of those challenges arise from communication problems (think Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars). Someone once told me that communication is usually something a married couple learns to do rather than magically begin to do it because they're getting married. And of all the difficult topics to broach, money is one of the toughest I'm told. I think that it might be helpful to spend this time apart thinking about whether these challenges you've gone through with him are worth overcoming together so that in the end your relationship is stronger or if it's not worth going through because it is only the tip of the iceberg. And maybe it's a good time to examine what your other problems in the relationship were and if they were really big things or little things that you were blowing out of proportion. I find that most of the time the disagreements I have with my fiance are little ones that I tend to blow out of proportion and the source of the "problem" is usually just a simple misunderstanding between two people coming from different perspectives. 

 

And don't hate that you miss him and love him. Of course you do. Just like mochamakes3 said, you were prepared to marry the guy! I'd be more worried if you were able to turn that off in a few days.... Hang in there. 

 

 

[JayKay]

I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you.  My FI and I had a rough period a few months ago and we were ready to call off the wedding.  But we both realized that we really loved each other and that will never change.  I think you may have reacted to quickly.  If I were you I would give him another chance.  Because if you don't you might regret it the rest of your life.  At least this way you will know for sure how you feel and where you stand on things.  Good luck with everything!