To Invite or Not - Advice Please

weddingaway · January 19, 2011

So I have a tough situation. My mother married her now husband 10 years ago. We have never gotten along bc I always speak my mind and he has done many wrong things without apologizing that I have called him on. Even though the rest of my family agrees with me, I am the only one that actually speaks up about it.

A few months ago, they broke up and my mother (who is an alcoholic) confessed that whenever she is in recovery (off and on for years) he will buy alcoholic drinks for her and talk her into drinking them by saying things like, "Just take a sip" or "Come on! Give it a try". She refuses at first, but usually ends up giving in eventually. She is a grown-up and her decisions are her own responsibility but anyone familiar with alcoholism knows that alcoholics can never have just one sip, or just one drink...that is what their struggle is all about!

Of course, they are now getting back together. I am already taking a huge chance in inviting my alcoholic mother to an all-inclusive resort where the employees are more than happy to make a cocktail for you. I really wouldn't want him at my wedding anyway, but now it seems like it is just setting up a messy situation for my wedding day when my mother gets super drunk and he disappears (which he always does when she gets drunk) so I would probably have to handle her. Not anything close to my ideal wedding day!

Am I right to not invite him? Should I just not invite either of them? I would love for my mother to be there, but I can't handle "the worst that could happen" side of things.

Please let me know what you think or if anyone has a similar situation.

clgriffi7 · January 19, 2011

This is a really tough one. I think you have to invite your mother - I can imagine she would be heartbroken if you didn't. If she has been doing well (without his influence), then hopefully you can tell her how much it means to you for her to not drink at your wedding , but ESPECIALLY the day of your wedding. I think she will be able to respect that.

As for the back on again husband, I think you should ask your mother if she wants him to come (without him being in the room when you ask) in light of what she told you about him encouraging her drinking. If she says yes, then I think you do invite him but you bluntly confront him about his enabling your mothers drinking. Personally I would threaten him about him doing it ever. But you seriously need to threaten him that for your wedding if you (or any of your other family members)see him giving your mother a drink he will be escorted from the premises. And I would be sure to tell all friends and family attending (in such a way that he knows about it), that if they see him giving your mother a drink they are to tell you immediately so you can have him removed.

Though I am not sure if you can actually have him thrown out of the resort you could at least have him removed from the wedding area. And he doesn't have to know whether you are actually able to kick him out of the resort.

Best of luck!!!

mmcst38 · February 8, 2011

I am not sure what to tell you to do because I have never been in that situtauion, however, I want to tell you to keep them both off the invite list, my fear is that you would spend a lot of time worrying baout what they are doing or going to do, good luck!

june11bride · February 8, 2011

I am not in your situation so I don't know exactly how this would go over, but I think maybe just explaining why he shouldn't come, not inviting him, and just inviting your mom would be ok. And I am wondering...I actually have a possible 2 alcoholics coming to my wedding (that sounds insincere, but one is a great friend and one is my FI's dad...) is it possible to get her a child's bracelet? This was suggested to us... you know at an all inclusive resort how you get an adult bracelt or a child's bracelt, and if you have the child's bracelt they don't serve alcohol? Do you think that would work? I know it's tough, especially at a wedding situation.

If worse comes to worse, maybe you can choose someone that can take care of her so you don't have to deal with her all night. That also sounds kind of mean but it is your day and you don't want to remember it taking care of your mother.