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Paranoid or Gut Instinct? FI's female bff (updated)

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#21 clgriffi7

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    Posted 05 January 2011 - 12:02 PM

    Congrats!!!  You win!!!  Not only were you the bigger person, but you also get your wish of her not coming.  So now if he ever regrets her not being there you get to remind him it was his decision.  And if she ever says anything then you get to tell her it was his decision (the look on her face would be priceless).


    What you said to him was perfect:  your choice, appreciate your thoughtfulness....perfect.

    #22 Vettiebean

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      Posted 05 January 2011 - 12:10 PM

      Originally Posted by Future Mrs. M 

      She seems a little nutty and needy...maybe it will all change when she finds a guy of her own. It's good you told him how you feel and that he's taking it and doing something about it. Maybe she's just used to their friendship from before so she might just blame you for their friendship ending but at the end of the day you're marrying him so she needs to come to grips with it eventually. She seems dillusional for not even acknowledging the wedding or engagement. Did she ever congratulate him? Maybe having the three of you hang out might help things so she can see that this is serious and that her friend is happy and in love. Maybe you guys can even become friends if she loses the crazy factor;)

      If not at least you can say you tried and were the bigger person. Don't invite her to the wedding unitl you guys try to hang out though the worst thing would be revoking a wedding invite even if it is her fault. But at the end of the day it's your day you shouldn't have to worry about weird people like that. Try to see how it goes hanging out if not just drop it and don't invite her. Good luck!!!!

      Sorry I forgot to reply to your post! I laughed when i read the first line bc I don't think I mentioned her lack of a significant other, but I see you had no problem picking that up yourself. I do think she needs to find her own guy, for sure. I definitely agree that she blames me for their now distanced friendship, but I don't even want it to end necessarily. I just think it needed to change and boundaries needed to be set. I think she congratulated him, then followed it with the line that now she really had to meet "this girl". This girl, me, has a name, btw. lol 


      I love crazies! I have crazy friends, my whole family is nuts! lol, Forget the crazy factor, the focus is if she can keep her feelings and fingers to herself.


      I am happy with how things worked out. At the end of the day, he chose to leave her off the invite list bc it's what he wanted to do. A decision he made. I'm happy I left it up to him and (admittedly) also happy he is still leaving her off the list. We were able to openly discuss it and leave the option in his hands. Couldn't ask for a better ending to this scenario, i don't think. 


      Oh!! And I just got the shoes in yesterday. :) I had to chase down the mailman for them lol Very glad I did, I love them so far!! They seem to be a super popular wedding shoe. 

      #23 Vettiebean

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        Posted 05 January 2011 - 12:19 PM

        Thank you, Courtney and Little Princess!!! lol @ "look on her face would be priceless" We may all be at a trip together in April. Let's see if it comes up then! 


        I have to say, it makes me feel 100 X better that I left the decision to him. It means that much more to me that even after I told him to reconsider, he still stuck to his decision of not inviting her. I like to talk about everything, don't like to keep in any emotions or frustrations, and just feel part of respecting him means respecting his decisions. Glad it all worked out! :) 

        #24 Diva

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          Posted 05 January 2011 - 05:32 PM

          Phallic cards??? WTF??!!! "I miss you" Yea she is inappropriate for sure and she seems like she is trying to be messy.  HE may not have those feelings for her, but I wouldn't trust her alone with him! 



          Glad that she is not invited, that would not be too uncomfortable for you on YOUR day. And keep your olive branch, don't waste it on a person like her, make some yummy olive tapenade or something LMAO



          I think your solution was fab, good job twin 

          #25 johnnmakenzie11

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            Posted 19 January 2011 - 11:03 AM

            Im all for platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex but there has to be boundaries. He has to accept these boundaries.

             Maybe you can use this situation to your advantage. tell him that you understand that they have a very close relationship but it makes you uncomfortable. you want him to be happy and have his friend there on the big day, but he needs to return that favor and respect your boundaries.

             Hope that helps

            #26 Vettiebean

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              Posted 10 March 2011 - 11:42 AM

              So, past weekend, FI and I went to meet up with one of FI's bff's and the bff's fiancee for a weekend getaway (let's just call them Dave and Sue for convenience). We all got drunk, me especially so, and I flat out asked Dave and Sue if they thought anything was up with that. Dave said he thought FI's female BFF was asexual. Sue and I got to talk a little more and she said that she knows the BFF had (may still have) feelings for FI. BFF told Sue this much was true and confirmed it.


              Well... good to know I wasn't overreacting and being paranoid for nothing! I actually see this as a completely positive thing. My suspicions have been confirmed and now I don't feel like they've grown distant because of my paranoia, but bc the broad has legitimate "i-want-to-hump-your-bones" feelings for my FI.


              We all had plans to meet up in Indy for a gathering of all his old friends, and BFF usually goes as well. So, gonna ask what the plans are for the trip and just let him know that it's fine if she goes, but he needs to know the feelings have been confirmed. I actually feel less enraged by it knowing the feelings are confirmed. Now i'm not doubting myself or feeling like i'm going crazy, and FI knows to keep everything in check.


              Will let you lovely ladies know if anything else develops.

              #27 lesee

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                Posted 10 March 2011 - 12:21 PM

                leave the girl OFF the guestlist and all her screws that are loose.



                #28 Janet1480

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                  Posted 10 March 2011 - 12:46 PM

                  I can actually speak from first hand experience and the other side of things LOL

                  My BEST FRIEND in the whole world is a guy! 4 years ago when FI and i started dating i told him about my best friend and explained our relationship (no secrets!) I love him dearly and would do anything for him and him for me HOWEVER I have to take my Fi's feelings in to consideration. When i was single my bf and I would watch movies and cuddle at home and spend endless hours together (nothing sexual ever BTW) everyone always told me that bf must be in love with me but i never saw him that way. THe MINUTE Fi and I started to get serious i told my bf that things had to change. I would always love him and be there for him but there could be no more cuddles, i love you's (except in a birthday or xmas card) and that our friendship would have to take into consideration new boundaries of how my FI may or may not feel about certain situations. My biggest thing, "how would i feel if the roles were reversed" i ALWAYS take my FI's feelings into consideration and so did my BF, he had No problems with this what so ever and completely respected me, my choice and my FI. My point is, if this girl had no "evil" intentions she would respect you and her so called BF and back off. You can still have chats, texts, emails but not in the same tone, not at 4am and certainly no alone time for extended periods of time. Its more then obvious she was trying to be a home wrecker and I am super happy your FI backed off and respected you enough to show you that YOU are more important then her. That says a lot. The unfortunate part is that she will never change, she will always want to win him over and be jealous, possibly even if she finds a guy of her own so you are best to keep her at a distance! Its not easy to change the tone of a relationship, my bf and I had to find new things to enjoy together and new ways to communicate and spend time together but still be friends and not hurt or make anyone worry. If i ever even thought for a minute that my FI was concerned or it was bugging him I would change anything to keep him happy since he is my forever! Keep communicating with your FI and if there are any situations that bug you PLEASE dont even hesitate telling him. You dont want to live the rest of your life with this in the back of your mind and the "what ifs" or always wondering what is going on if FI goes anywhere and she may be around. Thats not a good way to live and not a good way to start a marriage.

                  Personally, if i were you and things continue to get worse, i would ask FI to talk to her and explain how he feels because sometimes putting someone who has unrelaistic illusions in their head on ignore may not be sending the right message. She is obviously dense that she isnt realizing what she is doing is wrong so who says she isnt dense enough to realize that her being ignored means she should go away?! She needs to be told out-right to back off. And if Fi isnt comfortable doing it maybe you need to ask him if you (together) can write her a polite email telling her how you both feel.

                  Either way, good luck and i hope you can make this situation go away permanently for the sake of your sanity and your future marriage :)

                  Married my soul mate and best friend on October 25th 2011 at Paradisus Punta Cana

                  #29 Vettiebean

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                    Posted 18 March 2011 - 11:13 AM

                    Janet, loved reading it from your perspective! See, your considerations were wonderful, and having had close male friends myself, I can definitely relate. My FI is an amazing man, don't get me wrong. But there was a loooot of conversations where I had to explain to him how I felt, why I felt that way, how it was perceived to me, etc. He just didn't get it/didn't see it until I explained it all to him. And, I explained to him as well that once we got serious, my guy friends all backed off.


                    Everyone who's met her all say she's nuts. lol "...but have you met her? She's NUTSO!"


                    We did talk about the Indy trip. I can't recall exact wording bc it was days ago, but basically, I asked if she was going. He said he wasn't sure. I said it's totally cool with me if she does go, but he needs to know that her feelings for him have been confirmed. Thus, might be a good time to judge how she acts around us (mainly him) and if the message that she needs to back off doesn't seem clear, then it would be an opportune time for him to set her straight. Otherwise... I would. As it's his friendship, he gets first dibbs on making things right (setting boundaries, making decisions about her invite, etc.). But as his fiancee, I get second dibbs so I can make a final settlement when his overly nice nature doesn't work.


                    We still don't know if she's going, but I guess we'll see soon enough! As for guest list stuff... home girl didn't make the cut for either Cancun or AHR. Once again, FI's call, not mine!



                    #30 traceysteve

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                      Posted 24 March 2011 - 06:54 PM

                      OMG!! I love the DRAMA!!


                      On a serious note, though, you definitely were the bigger person by letting him decide..I loved when he said he didn't want to invite her because it would make you pissed! hahahaaaa!! My FI would say the same thing. At least they know! Just be careful, if she's ever around though. I've heard way to many stories about unstable-lovestruck-dumb-girls. Stand strong though, don't forget...you've already won!



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