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Paranoid or Gut Instinct? FI's female bff (updated)


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#11 islandbride8

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    Posted 03 January 2011 - 07:43 AM

    OMG... I can't even imagine!  My honest opinion:  She has major feelings for him, maybe he knows it, maybe he doesn't.  Either way I think what's going on is completely inappropriate on both of their parts.  You should seriously lay down some "ground rules" concerning his relationships with other females.  Does he think it's okay that she's inviting him on vacations, just the two of them?!?!  I can't think of ANY situation where this could even potentially be okay.  By her not respecting you, she's not respecting him.  If she cares about him as a "friend" then she should respect the fact that he's with you.  Maybe you can talk to both of them together...  I definately think changes should be made before your wedding.  If she can't respect the two of you together or if things don't change I don't think it's crazy or out of line for you to give him an ultimatum.  You should be his priority and he shouldn't ignore her passes at him in hopes that she'll eventually stop.  Out of respect for you I think he should explain to her that YES she IS crossing the line and that she must stop it completely if she wants to remain his friend.  Relationships change all the time and just like your relationship with FI has changed so should their relationship.  (no more late night calls, no more cards, no more "love yous" or xoxox). good luck and i hope this doesn't turn ugly for you! 



    #12 jana297

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      Posted 03 January 2011 - 07:58 AM

      She wouldn't be on my list. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Some woman really are over the top!


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      #13 Little Princess

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        Posted 03 January 2011 - 08:06 AM

        Something I started doing with my fiance was explaining "that's how it appears to me, and it upsets me", as I had a problem with one of his friends and his responses to her. He would insist that I was over-reacting, that it was a cultural thing (I'm British, we're far more "aloof" than Americans, who are all like "OMG I love ya babe!" in comparison lol), it simply wasn't a big deal because HE didn't see it as a big deal. Well, that's not good enough, I was genuinely really upset by it, that should factor in somewhere! So I went from "that's how it is" to "that's how I see it" and making sure he realised how upsetting it was to me, without shouting at him (something I have trouble with!).

         

        What would I do in that situation..? I honestly don't know. I can see both of your points here. If you invite her I'd think she'd do one of two things...not go because she finds it too stressful and upsetting...or go with the intention of convincing him that SHE is the one for him ("Made of Honour" styley). BUT if you DON'T invite her, then you'll feel guilty, he might feel slightly resentful, and quite frankly the girl needs to see that you're serious and he is going through with it. If she's not there then she can build up little fantasies in her twisted little mind about how he is just SAYING he married you but really left you at the altar for her...or he's sparing her feelings because he knows how she feels and he's just trapped in this relationship by some psycho..or some other rubbish like that!

         

        Ok I've talked myself into inviting her LOL I think she needs to know that it's real and she can't change that, and if she tries something, well it'll make your fiance realise, and it'll make you the better person, being able to look past these things which it sounds like she can't. And if she causes any trouble, have her forcibly escorted from the premises :P



        #14 JLR1726

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          Posted 03 January 2011 - 01:41 PM

          girl- you already know how I feel about this. LOL.

           

          let it be :)



          #15 Vettiebean

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            Posted 03 January 2011 - 02:30 PM



            Originally Posted by JLR1726 

            girl- you already know how I feel about this. LOL.

             

            let it be :)



            LOL  I am cracking up at everyone's posts!! And, yes! I know how you feel, JLR. 

             

             

            I had this lengthy reply I was writing earlier, and stupid interwebs failed me! Lemme try again... ahem. 

            For your reading amusement, an excerpt from a phallic themed card sent to my then live-in boyfriend, now FI (FI actually showed me this card, lol): 

            "‎​And I want to tell you that i miss you and care about you and am saying I love you in my traditionally charming way, with a penis card. Anyway, thinking of you, kisses to Cali on this sweltering Brickyard 400 weekend. Xxxooo--[FI's bff]. <3<3 Ps. Planning an upcoming trip to NYC--you in? Phone date--SOON! :)"  her hearts and smiley face, not mine! 

             

            And, just for hoots, bc he apparently wasn't responding to her at her will (lol, we were in the car, FI driving, and me in charge of our cells. Was expecting a text to his phone from our friend who we were meeting, and up pops her text box, which I read out loud to him in the car hahaha):

            "You know we're getting divorced soon." 

            "TMINUS 3.5 HOURS UNTIL I SEND OUT THE SEARCH PARTY AND BOUNTY HUNTERS, [FIANCE'S NAME]. I worry. Kisses, hope you're living life in the Lisa Frank spectrum. xxoo"

            "I need some phone date time. Love you like whoa." 

            --the last message brought up the text box, the others were sent a couple days before, and FI hadn't responded to any of them by then. 

             

            Funny enough, I agree with all of the comments you ladies have posted, which I guess is why I feel so conflicted! lol but, I am glad to see that I'm not the only one who considered all this inappropriate and sketchy. Didn't pass the smell test to me!!! 

             

            As for FI, he's my prince charming. We trust each other with our lives, no secrets (except white lies and surprises). We have each other's passwords for everything and often ask each other to check the other's email/mail, etc. I know that he wouldn't intentionally disrespect or hurt me. But, sometimes I think he's so oblivious and sweet that he just doesn't see it. And, his being single for 8 years prior to our relationship probably has something to do with that perspective, too. He doesn't encourage her and has kept more distance, no lengthy late night chats recently, no wedding invite... but, I don't think he's flat out, directly told her to cease and desist all action, either. 

             

            I want to be a bigger person, I really do. And, I really had the exact thoughts/thought process that Little Princess had. Just trying to figure out if I can really do it (tell him it's ok to invite her), spit out the words, and live with it. I suppose it's also possible that if I leave the decision in FI's hands, he might say he still doesn't want to invite her. Then, it would be all his decision and I wouldn't be so guilt ridden (and wouldn't feel like I need that forsaken olive branch nearby "just in case")... 

             

             

             



            #16 Little Princess

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              Posted 03 January 2011 - 05:14 PM

              I think you should leave the decision to him, tell him you're concerned that he isn't inviting her for your sake, which you really appreciate, but you don't want to come between him and his friends and that you feel he might be a little disappointed/resentful when it comes to the day. If he still doesn't want to invite her, then that's his choice but you've respected his feelings towards his good friend. How many people are you inviting? Surely there'll be lots of other people there to distract you and for you to worry about than this one person you have a problem with :) If she's important to him you should try and respect that, just as he's trying to respect how you feel about her.

               

              And trust me, I've given my fiance hell over faaaar less inappropriate behaviour than this! After I threw a fit at him he talked to the friend in question a lot less and I felt really guilty, that wasn't what I'd meant, I just felt that certain things were inappropriate, I'd never meant to come between their friendship. He has one friend that I don't like too much, from what I see of her, and what his family tell me of her, she's just a litle...she makes me uncomfortable. But she's his best friend and so I suck it up and deal with it, he doesn't see what we see. But that's all about every day life...would I feel the same if I was in that situation and it was about my wedding...I honestly don't know and I don't envy you trying to figure it out!

               

              Good luck :) Try talking to your fiance about it, tell him how you feel, all of it, including the confliction, and see what he thinks. It's his day too :)



              #17 Future Mrs. M

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                Posted 04 January 2011 - 08:06 AM

                She seems a little nutty and needy...maybe it will all change when she finds a guy of her own. It's good you told him how you feel and that he's taking it and doing something about it. Maybe she's just used to their friendship from before so she might just blame you for their friendship ending but at the end of the day you're marrying him so she needs to come to grips with it eventually. She seems dillusional for not even acknowledging the wedding or engagement. Did she ever congratulate him? Maybe having the three of you hang out might help things so she can see that this is serious and that her friend is happy and in love. Maybe you guys can even become friends if she loses the crazy factor;)

                If not at least you can say you tried and were the bigger person. Don't invite her to the wedding unitl you guys try to hang out though the worst thing would be revoking a wedding invite even if it is her fault. But at the end of the day it's your day you shouldn't have to worry about weird people like that. Try to see how it goes hanging out if not just drop it and don't invite her. Good luck!!!!


                Wedding Date 11/12/2010- Riviera Maya - Hacienda Tres Rios


                #18 Future Mrs. M

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                  Posted 04 January 2011 - 08:13 AM

                  Also - you have the shoes I wore for my wedding!! They are amazing and I love them!! Great pick!!!


                  Wedding Date 11/12/2010- Riviera Maya - Hacienda Tres Rios


                  #19 Vettiebean

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                    Posted 05 January 2011 - 10:08 AM

                    Hey everyone! So, we aren't planning on a lot of people attending. We're going in assuming we'll invite at least twice as many people as will go. So, while we will probably invite about 25-30 people, it'll probably be only about 10 or so actual attendees. I'd honestly be beyond surprised if there's more than that. My mom, her husband, and none of my sisters are going; my dad probably won't. His parents are 50/50. I don't even need/want guests really, I just thought it would be nice for my fiance to invite people bc he has a very tight group of childhood friends. (He'll be best man for the third and fourth time this summer) Anyhow, there wouldn't be a ton of other people consuming my time, if BFF went. She has been described by others as having a loud and overbearing personality that demands attention. And this was a description from her own friends. 

                     

                    Anyhow, had a talk with FI about it last night, so here's an update on how things went down. While not verbatim, it's pretty close. 

                     

                    Me--Babe... I was looking at your invite list. Why aren't you inviting BFF?
                    Him-- I don't want to. I think it's going to be uncomfortable. 
                    Me--for me or for you? 
                    Him--well for me. You won't get uncomfortable, you'd just get pissed. 
                    Me--how so?.. Well, I just want you to know that if it's important to you that she's there, you can reconsider and invite her. I understand. 
                    Him--Well, I don't want her to go and then you want to kill her the whole time. 
                    Me--Oh babe... you know I'd only want to kill her if she's acting inappropriately. 
                    *Silence as though he can't refute that she will do something to piss me off with her distasteful, unsavory deeds.*
                    Me--Like I said, it's your decision. It's your day, too. I want you to have the option of inviting her, if you want her there. 
                    Him--No. I don't want to invite her. I don't want you to get upset at our wedding and honeymoon.... 
                    Me--Thanks for thinking about me, babe. I just saw the effort you were putting into this and knew how much you were taking me into consideration, so I wanted to reciprocate. I do appreciate it and it means a lot to me, but just remember it's your decision. 
                    Him--ok. done. I'm good. 
                    *Insert some kisses and we start watching tv again.* A couple other times later that night, I mentioned again just that I loved how considerate and thoughtful and respectful of my feelings he was being. Makes me feel better to get it all out there and make it clear that it's his decision, and that he's still not inviting her. 

                     

                    Alright. Homeboy had his chance. I can't help but still feel as though he'll feel, "well I only didn't invite BFF bc of you." But I threw out the option for him and said I'd only get upset if she is disrespectful. I said he could invite her. If he chooses not to or feels she would do something to piss me off, then by all means, I won't push it. That's for sure! 

                     

                    Thanks for al the help on this one, ladies! Hopefully, nothing new develops. But if something does, you bet your tush I'll be back lol



                    #20 Little Princess

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                      Posted 05 January 2011 - 10:53 AM

                      I think that was very big of you and you've been the better person here :) You put it totally in his hands, it sounds like it wasn't the kind of "I'm putting it in your hands with my words...BUT LISTEN TO MY VOICE AND PICK THE RIGHT ANSWER!" which some women have a tendency to do!! Even if he does start to think that, he can't blame you or give you a hard time over it because you made it totally clear that it was HIS choice. I think her not going is best all around, for both of your's sanity and enjoyment on your big day! I know I'd hate to have someone there that would ultimately lead to me being mad at my fiance on our wedding day. Good luck with it all and I hope you don't have to come back and update us some more!! :)






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