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What's the Etiquette for this Situation?


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Okay, so I'm warning you that I'm writing this as I'm still pissed off....

 

I only have a few girlfriends (as they tend to drop off as years go by), and one just got engaged 2 weeks ago.  She's only been dating the guy less than a year prior to the engagement (which doesn't really matter), but she's always been the one who has been dying to get married.  So of course, she wanted to have the wedding asap.  I got engaged mid-July and we're having a destination wedding in June.  She's no longer coming to my wedding and wants a summer wedding.  She's upset she can't do June 'cause of my wedding and doesn't want to do August for some reason, so July is her only option in her mind.  She only went to one venue and the only date they have available is July 30th. When telling us this, I informed her that I will be out of town that weekend due to us already having a wedding that weekend 4 hrs away.  That was last week... found out today that she's keeping the 30th.  She was planning on asking me to be a bridesmaid.  Is it just me, but if you were going to ask someone to be in your wedding, wouldn't you make sure they were available?!  And seriously... only checking out 1 venue!  I'm sorry, but if someone I was going to have in my wedding couldn't make the date, I would definitely check out other places to see if they compared and had other dates available!!  I know, I know, it's her wedding and she should be able to do whatever she wants to do, but still!!!!!

 

AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!  We're suppose to go out to dinner Thursday to celebrate her engagement (me, her, and 3 other close friends), is it wrong that I don't want to go now?!?!

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In my mind you need to decide whether this friend's wedding trumps the wedding you already have scheduled for the same day.  Your friend chose this date and you really can't be upset with her - as you said:  it is her day.  However, she knew you wouldn't be available for that particular date (unless you decide to not go to the other wedding) when she booked the venue, so she is not allowed to give you any sort of grief if you can't be there.

 

So I say take a deep breath and remember that it is her day.  She chose that date knowing you are not available, so you should be happy for her and be involved in the pre-wedding festivities (bachelorette party and such) but don't let her make you feel guilty. 

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Originally Posted by clgriffi7 View Post

In my mind you need to decide whether this friend's wedding trumps the wedding you already have scheduled for the same day.  Your friend chose this date and you really can't be upset with her - as you said:  it is her day.  However, she knew you wouldn't be available for that particular date (unless you decide to not go to the other wedding) when she booked the venue, so she is not allowed to give you any sort of grief if you can't be there.

 

So I say take a deep breath and remember that it is her day.  She chose that date knowing you are not available, so you should be happy for her and be involved in the pre-wedding festivities (bachelorette party and such) but don't let her make you feel guilty. 


I agree.  You really can't get mad at her for the date or venue b/c it is her day.  however, she can't say a word to you if you decide that you're sticking to your original plan of attending the other wedding.  she shouldn't expect you to change your plans on her account when you already explained you can't attend on that date.  doubt this helps any.  You should def attend the dinner (it's your good friend and she's celebrating) and don't bring up any issues that night.  Even if you have to bite your tongue all night, then talk to her another day if you feel like you need to :)
 

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How ironic... I'm watching the movie "Bride Wars" on TV right now!?!?  LOL

 

I think I agree with you Beachbridein11 - Although a wedding is the bride's day, it's just as important for my family and people I want in my wedding to be available - so naturally if I were your friend and wanted you to be a bridesmaid, then I would look at more venues for alternate possibilities as well..... unless, she's like one of these "girlfriends" in the movie and have a secret vendetta against another fellow bride??  

* its crazy how some bridezillas could be!

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if she's always been dying to get married, she's probably had that one specific venue in mind for awhile; especially since she has friends getting married (i.e. YOU), it probably sparked her interest in looking at places. if that's her dream venue and it's only available on that date, you cannot expect her to change it bc you (one guest of i assume many) can't make it. although she has no right to ask you do to so, maybe she's hoping you'll bail on the other commitment for her.

 

i don't necessarily think you *should* bail on the other commitment, but if it's your FI's friend, not yours per se, i'd send him to that wedding and stand for my friend as a bridesmaid. will it suck to go stag to a wedding? absolutely. but it's the only way i see to cover both and keep friendships. it's not like the small wedding has already given a headcount to the caterer, so you wouldn't be screwing her over. in fact, she may be happy to have an extra spot open to invite someone else. it's hard to keep a guest list down to 30-40! and in my mind, if anyone, a bride should understand that being a friend's bridesmaid trumps being a +1 on a guest list.

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Originally Posted by cougs View Post

if she's always been dying to get married, she's probably had that one specific venue in mind for awhile; especially since she has friends getting married (i.e. YOU), it probably sparked her interest in looking at places. if that's her dream venue and it's only available on that date, you cannot expect her to change it bc you (one guest of i assume many) can't make it. although she has no right to ask you do to so, maybe she's hoping you'll bail on the other commitment for her.

 

i don't necessarily think you *should* bail on the other commitment, but if it's your FI's friend, not yours per se, i'd send him to that wedding and stand for my friend as a bridesmaid. will it suck to go stag to a wedding? absolutely. but it's the only way i see to cover both and keep friendships. it's not like the small wedding has already given a headcount to the caterer, so you wouldn't be screwing her over. in fact, she may be happy to have an extra spot open to invite someone else. it's hard to keep a guest list down to 30-40! and in my mind, if anyone, a bride should understand that being a friend's bridesmaid trumps being a +1 on a guest list.



 I see your points, however...

 

1. That was her first time visiting the venue

 

2. I'm looking forward to the other wedding.  It's a weekend away to a place I've never been, but always wanted to go.

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well, then it just sucks that having that venue & date was more important to her than having you at the wedding. i'm sure she has her reasons why august (or any other month) was out of the question. maybe too many other people would have been unable to make it in august (lots of people do vacation then).

 

bottom line is you can't expect someone to change their wedding to accommodate a few people. i know waaaay too many people had opinions on where/when i should have mine to best accommodate them! and as a bride, you simply can't make everyone happy. but as a friend, you can at least be happy for her, and celebrate with her. if she really had been planning on asking you to be a bridesmaid, she's upset you can't be there too.

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Speaking as someone who did look into changing various things to accomodate people important to me... I do have to say that at some point a bride needs to stop worrying about everyone else attending the wedding (including possible bridesmaids/groomsmen) and focus on what the bride and groom want.  As you know, since you're getting married too, the wedding is for the bride and the groom!

 

Having said that though, you did already tell her that you are not available for the weekend she chose, so you are basically in the clear if she tries to give you grief later on.  Be there for everything else you can possibly be there for other than the wedding.  I have a close friend (who also would have been one of my bridesmaids) that isn't able to make it to my wedding, but she has done so much for me (co-hosted my shower, planned a stagette) that there is no way I could ever hold hard feelings against her for not coming to my wedding.  You can be that friend too :)

 

Originally Posted by BeachBridein11 View Post

Okay, so I'm warning you that I'm writing this as I'm still pissed off....

 

I only have a few girlfriends (as they tend to drop off as years go by), and one just got engaged 2 weeks ago.  She's only been dating the guy less than a year prior to the engagement (which doesn't really matter), but she's always been the one who has been dying to get married.  So of course, she wanted to have the wedding asap.  I got engaged mid-July and we're having a destination wedding in June.  She's no longer coming to my wedding and wants a summer wedding.  She's upset she can't do June 'cause of my wedding and doesn't want to do August for some reason, so July is her only option in her mind.  She only went to one venue and the only date they have available is July 30th. When telling us this, I informed her that I will be out of town that weekend due to us already having a wedding that weekend 4 hrs away.  That was last week... found out today that she's keeping the 30th.  She was planning on asking me to be a bridesmaid.  Is it just me, but if you were going to ask someone to be in your wedding, wouldn't you make sure they were available?!  And seriously... only checking out 1 venue!  I'm sorry, but if someone I was going to have in my wedding couldn't make the date, I would definitely check out other places to see if they compared and had other dates available!!  I know, I know, it's her wedding and she should be able to do whatever she wants to do, but still!!!!!

 

AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!  We're suppose to go out to dinner Thursday to celebrate her engagement (me, her, and 3 other close friends), is it wrong that I don't want to go now?!?!



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