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Dealing with family...


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#1 Starfish

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    Posted 21 August 2007 - 05:54 AM

    first let me say that I love planning our wedding with my fiance.... really love it, I was starting to wonder what all the fuss was about, when people say how stressful it all is.... then the phone calls started from my family.

    I am really trying hard not to let the guilt over making people spend so much on "my" big day, not get to me, but it is taking it's toll and I would love to hear how other DW brides have handled this. Basically when I first told them I was planning a destination wedding they seemed excited, but now all I get are calls telling me how they can't afford it and that I should look into doing it somewhere else (aka going home where they all are) and the keep sending me ridiculous prices they obtained for flights (which of course they are ridiculous, it is too early to get deals on flights!!!! which I keep telling them) and now are going as far as trying to do research on their own to "find me a cheaper place to get married"..... AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! We have put so much work into this and no one seems to appreciate that. We are trying to get the best deals for everyone, and are not bullying ANYone of our guest into coming... but this is my FAMILY!!! I am not asking for them to help out with ANY of the cost of the wedding, we are doing it all ourselves, I just want them to put forth the effort of making it to the ceremony, or flat out tell me they aren't coming rather than trying to RE-PLAN the wedding we have worked so hard on!!!!

    Thank God for Myles, he has really been supportive through this, but I am really stating to feel like an evil selfish person for ever expecting people to spend so much just to come and see me get married.

    Please!!! If any of you have had similiar experiences with your family, how did you handle it?

    Thanks
    ~Sarah

    #2 starchild

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      Posted 21 August 2007 - 06:33 AM

      Well I'll be the first to tell you many DW couples go through this. While nobody tried to replan it for us, some people asked why we picked PV over their various favorite travel spots. Just the question bothered us. Um, because we wanted it in Mexico and it's not about you!!! Here's an easy solution - don't come!

      What they are doing is absolutely and ridiculously inconsiderate and I would let them know that. Don't for one minute consider changing your plans for anyone - mom, dad, grandma, etc. You are not evil or selfish for wanting to plan your wedding, they are evil and selfish for trying to plan your wedding. Sometimes it's more about Aunt Mary being bitter that nobody ever wanted to marry her, or cousin Jane being envious that she got married at city hall and didn't think to do something as cool as a DW, so they turn into haters instead of supporters, get a few other people all riled up, then next thing you know there is a small group of haters. For whatever reason they are hating, don't let anyone steal your sunshine or try to "help" you replan anything.

      Handle it by keeping the whole reason you are planning anything in the forefront of your mind - you love and want to marry Myles. Period. That's it and that's all. It's about you two and what you want and everyone else can kick rocks. The people that come are the people that are supposed to be there. Don't cater to anyone but Myles, as he would cater to you. That's it!!! Thank your lucky stars for the people who won't go, you don't want to pay for those ingrates to eat and drink anyway!

      Hang in there :o)

      #3 Starfish

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        Posted 21 August 2007 - 08:11 AM

        Thank you, This really does make me feel better, or start to feel better at least. As I read through the other posts in this thread I see that a lot of brides are going or have gone through this themselves. I guess it was bound to happen, I just hope everything works out without leaving permenant damage between me and my family or grudges that last a life time
        ~Sarah

        P.S. Thank god our hotel is all inclusive, I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time at the bar.

        #4 Alyssa

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          Posted 21 August 2007 - 08:22 AM

          i posted a similar thread yesterday "vent: thinking about eloping" (i dont know how to link it)

          we are also going through something similar. everyone was excited and happy and now that they are talking with 'other' family members, they all have opinions, requests, comments, you name it.

          i feel your frustration but you have put all of this work into what you both want to do. as long as you don't demand anyone go or put guilt on people that decide it's too expensive, they hate to fly, are bitter, etc... then you should not feel bad AT ALL!

          keep pressing forward and hope it passes! i am cheering for you

          #5 foxytv

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            Posted 21 August 2007 - 08:37 AM

            I usually let things get to me really easily, but with this DW, I had to grow thick skin ... and fast. I know Tom and I are doing what WE want to do ... and luckily all of our immediate family is already on board as far as booed rooms AND airfare. As for the other guests, if they make it, great, if not, great. At this point, the fewer people who come means less costs out of our pocket for the reception ... so if noone else books, we can save a TON of money. :-) I'm stressing over the funds ... so that's allowed me to take the focus off stressing about a-hole guests/invitees (especially the ones who wouldn't have come anyway). Not that that helps, but at least I'm diverting my stress to something non-human. lol.

            #6 cessyboston

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              Posted 21 August 2007 - 08:48 AM

              hi girls...donnie and i are waiting for that we know not everyone is on board but my family is and his is so far we have not told anyone the price yet so we shale see but you girls are preparing me.....
              Married oct 10th 2008 ~ proud parents to Miss Sophia Emma feb 2, 2010

              #7 MikkiStreak

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                Posted 21 August 2007 - 08:59 AM

                I'm a snot (and a smart ass), so the bitchy side of me says to start sending them little emails with links to higher paying jobs, or links to Realtor listings of homes in less expensive parts of the country, etc...---- then attach a note saying, "Since you're finances are in such dire straits due to my wedding, thought this might help you..."

                Seriously, I say to just ignore it, especially if it hasn't been too long since you announced the DW... We've had our fair share of the same thing---- hell, our best man is the one trying to get us to move the wedding some place closer (ie cheaper) and he's gone so far as to have one of his buddies from the UFC call us to tell us about the super great fabulous deal he and his fiancee got for a DW in Acapulco! Then, we had the aunt who wrote me a nasty letter trying to guilt me about having a DW when my dad's health was so poor and my parents wouldn't be able to attend. And FI's sister who wouldn't speak to us at our engagement party after she found out we were having a DW instead of getting married in "her" cathedral downtown. And on and on it goes....

                Weddings bring out the worst in people. I, personally, think most of the people who bitch are just wanting to freeload on a 4-hour drinking binge anyways...

                But if you weather the rough spots, you'll find out who really cares because they'll be the ones with you for your wedding. Until the storm blows over, just hang onto the ones who aren't bitching---- they'll keep you sane...

                #8 NYJen

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                  Posted 21 August 2007 - 09:08 AM

                  Bottom line - you need to do what YOU want for your wedding. When Brendan and I first starting talking about having our wedding in Cabo, we were really excited but I was a bit nervous about the cost for our guests. I even went as far as looking into places in NY to have our wedding so I could avoid all those issues. I looking into those typical long island caterering halls but none of them "did it" for me. I couldn't find anything that made me as happy as the idea of getting married on the beach in Cabo. So our attitude at that point was, "We're doing it in Cabo and if it turns out that it's just us and Juan Carlos (the photographer), we're happy." What's most important is that you get the day you want. You can look at it like you're eloping and if some of your family and friends can make it, great!!! If not, well at least you got the day you wanted.

                  #9 michelle08

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                    Posted 21 August 2007 - 10:01 AM

                    try to stay focused and don't forget the reasons you chose to have a DW...You will never please everyone so no need to strees!! I think it is absolutely rude for them to try and replan your wedding!!!! It's one thing if they think the hotel you want them to stay in is too expensive for them..then fine, find a new one...but to replan your wedding and tell you that you should have that somewhere else!! That is the most inconsiderate thing I have heard of!! That is worse than the little dictations like what food to have and what decorations!!!

                    DO WHAT YOU WANT AND DON'T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF!!!! :) You will pull through! Then it might come up again and again, you will pull through! It might not seem like it but you will!

                    #10 Nrvsbride

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                      Posted 21 August 2007 - 12:37 PM

                      I'm sorry I am not much help but this is like the 3rd thread I have read about rude family members. AHHHHHHHHH my head is going to explode. Just tell them your knocked up and you have to elope. Maybe then they'll leave you alone.




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