Future Mother-in-law's List Two Times Too Long...

[yosguns]

Hi all!  I need your advice!  We're planning a May, 2012 wedding at the Ahwahnee in Yosemite and due to the historic nature of the hotel, the reception has to be limited to 90 people (since that's the maximum allowed in the largest room).  This is perhaps 1/2 the number of people that would be ideal for my fiance's large Russian family and my parents' network of friends.  Fiance's family also lives in California, so it's very likely that most of their invitees will attend. My plan was to divide the invitation list into thirds (30-30-30) for fiance's parents, my parents, and ourselves.  My mom and I are considering having an engagement party or reception in Connecticut where I grew up to cut down on the number my side would like to invite to the actual wedding.

 

I just got my fiance's mom's list yesterday--my parents have to put down deposit for the Ahwahnee in December--and it includes 56 people.  Her demeanor suggested she expected everyone to be invited.  Is the following response appropriate?:

"Fiance and I talked yesterday and he doesn't want a second room because he wants everyone together--and I do too--so it looks as if we are limited to 90 people total because that's the most we can fit in the largest room.  Would you ever consider doing the same thing we're doing in Connecticut in California?  I.e.: have an engagement party or separate reception so there'd be more room for family at the wedding?  (I imagine some people would understand the division by explaining the wedding itself is fairly intimate.)  I know it's not the same thing, and it's more difficult for you guys since you are much closer to Yosemite and family, hence more of your invitees are more likely to come, but I just don't know how much opportunity we'll have to invite people beyond your first 30.  We may have some spots we can designate to you out of our 30, but I have to warn you, as it stands, we can't send out invitations for 56 for you at once.  I feel like a bully, but we have our hearts set on getting married in Yosemite.

In any case, please send me addresses as you can and let me know who you'd like to invite first.  And thank you for taking time to do this!!"

[DiamondGirl]

The response is PERFECT!!

 

I think the way you have it broken down 30-30-30 is VERY fair. It's understandable that FI's parents has a large family. How many of the 56 haven't been seen in more than 2-3 yrs? If this applies, then they should be the first to get cut. This was my rule when putting my guest list together. I know my FI's mother has plenty of friends and family that she rarely see's or speaks to, yet she wanted to invite them. My motto is, if someone hasn't been in our lives for 2 yrs or more, they're not invited. I explained this to my FI and Thankfully, FI agreed. It's your wedding and your special day. Therefore, the people you invite should be people that YOU and your FI want to share your special day with Good Luck!!

[pinkbride2011]

I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your Mother-in-Law, but I've been advised not to do the talking.  We had a similar situation to deal with.  Most of my married friends and family told me to make my FI have the difficult convos with his family and me with mine.  I think that's good advice.  Sour in-law relationships are horrible and lifelong. 

 

My FI told his mother we were limited on space (true) and to please give us a shorter list.  It worked, her list was cut by 3/4!!! 

 

Good luck!!

[jesmcan]

I agree let FI do the talking and have him explain it can't be more than 30. It is a tough situation but better coming from him than you believe me.

[sinesbride]

I think divinding into thirds is very reasonable. I don't think you can compromise any better than that.