Wedding Shower Ettiquette - is this a faux pas?

[AnnCam2011]

I am recently engaged (May '10) after 11 years to a wonderful man. We are planning a small destination wedding and want to keep everything as simple as possible. The issue is my very excitable mother. Ever since we got engaged, she has said she is going to stay out of any wedding plans, and only give advice or her opinion when asked. So far, this is going well, with the occasional very strong opinion, on where to go, things to buy/wear, etc.

 

My latest issue is her involvement in the wedding shower my aunt was hosting for my mom's side of the family. So far, my mom has pretty much done all the planning and shopping for things like invites, games/prizes (GAG), decorations, etc. The date hasn't been set yet, but I am not sure how I feel with the amount of time and effort she is putting into the shower that was originally going to be hosted by my aunt. Is it a huge faux pas for my mom to be so involved with the shower planning? It almost feels to me like my aunt has little to do with it, and my mom is now hosting. She is really excited for all this wedding stuff since it's been so long in the making, but I am afraid of what people will think. I am doing my best to keep my mouth shut since she is so excited about it all. She has recently gone through cancer surgery and chemo this past winter, where we weren't sure if she was going to make it. Her own wedding was really small (shot-gun since she was preggo with my brother!) and didn't get to do all this stuff for her own. I feel she is trying to make up for things she missed out on, but am concerned about how this should be handled since she is the mother-of-the-bride.

 

Any advice out there?

[ChicagoPT]

My sister inlaw and my mom are planning mine.  My mom is actually doing most of the work including paying.  As long as your aunt isnt upset or anything, I would say let her plan away!  I think it was a little hard for my mom to not plan the whole big hometown wedding so I let her go crazy with the shower.  I wouldnt worry about proper etiquette. Its so different now.  When I searched online it says that it is fine for the mother to throw it if there is no one else able to do it.   

[mochamakes3]

Just be grateful that she is there to attend and participate. The important thing is that you and your family are together for the celebration. No matter who plans it, your job is just to show up and enjoy. That's what I will keep telling myself when my overbearing family throws the shower they want and not my ideal shower.

[Thomasjsgirl]

If your aunt's not complaining, then don't worry about it. Your mom is so over the moon with happiness, and after everything she's been through, I would just indulge her and let her enjoy helping out.

[Sjnovot]

I am happy to hear that your mother wants to get involved.  You should suggest that she talk to your aunt about them both hosting to make sure no ones toes are stepped on!

[jaimeLe318]

I agree! You should be thrilled that she is so excited to be involved. Sometimes it seems like the grass is always greener on the other side but a lot of mothers don't even care about the details at all. Especially after 11 years together it's nice she still wants to make sure your day is special. I would just ask her to include your aunt a little bit more so that she doesn't feel left out.

[JanineA]

Couldn't have said it better than JaimeLe318, indulge her but do ask her to include your aunt so she doesn't feel left out. 

Originally Posted by jaimeLe318 

I agree! You should be thrilled that she is so excited to be involved. Sometimes it seems like the grass is always greener on the other side but a lot of mothers don't even care about the details at all. Especially after 11 years together it's nice she still wants to make sure your day is special. I would just ask her to include your aunt a little bit more so that she doesn't feel left out.

[AnnCam2011]

Thanks everyone! I am doing my best to be patient with my mom. She can be like a 6 year old sometimes and goes off in a bunch of different directions. Some of the stuff she has suggested to me has been so far in the opposite direction of what we are looking for it can be hard not to cringe (ex super-tacky cake topper, OMG NO!) )  I think I will to talk to my aunt and make sure she is still feeling included with things, and try not worry about anything else. Just wasn't sure if it was a social blunder for the MOB to "throw" the shower.

 

[BecaJ]

I think it's your aunts place to tell your Mum if she's taking over. If I were you I'd just be grateful that she isn't being like that with the wedding!

 

Is there another job you can give to your mum to make her feel involved? I didn't think my mum was going to be that crazy over my wedding but she started to take over. For example a few times I've heard her respond to questions from friends and family saying "WE'RE" doing this or that, and that really made me angry!! A lot of the time it was things I hadn't even mentioned and she made the decision for me!! haha.

 

I found that if I set her a task then she'd put all her energy into that and she'd stop interfering. In my case it didn't have to be an important job, but things like finding me a certain size, shape and colour organza bags. Kept her off my back for a while and she felt like she was really helping...(which she was actually)..

[AnnCam2011]

Oooh good idea! She would be a good one to put in charge of little items for OOT bags. Hmm.... *wheels turning*