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My FH is ruining my dream wedding ... how do I compromise?

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#41 Ayita

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    Posted 12 July 2010 - 05:31 PM

    Originally Posted by Mrs. Williams
    Thanks! The advice was helpful and you instinctively picked up on the fact that his cousin's wedding was in the morning. Our wedding is at 5:00pm, so they would move directly into a reception dinner in the restaurant at the hotel. The dress i have found is from David's Bridal and it is $549.99. I don't really want to compromise on the flowers. We have decided to bring a Bose ipod docking station with us and play our music from there, which would save us $ as well. The large ticket items right now are the photographer, the flowers, and the decoration. Everything else is pretty much under control.

    I have a pretty good creative side with a lot of time left for the wedding, so I will be doing a lot of DIY. Our Save the Dates are ready to be mailed out and I did those myself, along with my BMs who helped put them together, and this forum. I will take a look at the link you provided and share it with him.
    Great ! Even without sharing the terrible stories of wedding that went bad, I'm pretty sure you can have a reasonnable discussion about not going to skip dinner in order to play beach volley in the dark... Maybe he never saw it this way ?

    #42 khomac

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      Posted 12 July 2010 - 06:41 PM

      Well I hope he comes around. He totally has the wrong idea of DW's. Your wedding sounds exactly like mine (dress and photography was same cost). My total cost for trips, gifts, dress, EVERYTHING was $10,000. I made my own flowers. My bouquet was $34, and MOH was $20 and it looked great. No one could tell they were fake

      Click the image to open in full size.Click the image to open in full size.

      The guests will have all afternoon to do "touristy" stuff (except bridal party), and then you just have dinner together, and party together! I'm so angry at your FH right now! Man I hope he understands!

      I think the wording of your invitation or programs will be critical. He will probably tell people to do whatever they want, so make sure you put it in writing and have everyone understand that you don't want them to leave and instead celebrate with you guys. And keep us posted!
      Kelly & Pablo

      Michael and Phil Steingard are located in Ontario, but travel to Punta Cana quite often during the year. There is a good chance they will be down already during your wedding week, so this will cut travel costs

      #43 Mrs. Williams

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        Posted 13 July 2010 - 08:43 AM

        I will definitely keep everyone posted on what happens. We have 10 months to go so I am hoping that we will have some more talks about what we really want before it's time to go. I'm deep in the planning process and it's hard to communicate with the WC at the resort when I don't know what "we" want just yet.

        #44 OceanWonderland

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          Posted 13 July 2010 - 09:17 AM

          I've read through this entire post as well, and I've got to say, I think you are doing your best to compromise. I don't understand how your FH thinks it won't be an 'all out party'? In fact, I would suggest that you do hire a DJ instead of an ipod. I know you are trying to keep it under 10K or so, but it's only another $500 or so and they will ensure that it's a real party. They do all the announcements, can tell everyone it's time for a tequila shot (!), get the party started after dinner instead of sitting around waiting for people to dance.
          I would also definitely state in your invitations that the ceremony is 5, directly followed by a reception in a restaurant (or even cocktail hour to the reception). I can't BELIEVE he is okay with a wedding just being a ceremony. I would be BEYOND pissed if I were to fly to a friend or family members wedding and there end up being NO reception? I would think you were SUPER cheap and unappreciative of us coming. It sounds harsh, but it's true. Your guests will be spending about $1K each to go to your wedding (plus vacation), and I think they will expect both a ceremony and reception (with food and dancing!). They won't care for playing basketball or volleyball in between - well, they shouldn't.
          And I think you are doing great with your budget thus far, very similar to mine. I already have 70 guests booked and I'm trying to keep it under 10K, but the food adds up. At Dreams Tulum, you can rent your site ($750) AND the food costs ($55/person OUCH!). So the fact that you are getting a dinner reception for $1250 is absolutely amazing...seriously! I'm jealous. I think even with flowers, you'll still be able to keep it under 10K. I had to cut the flowers and out of town bags...just can't afford it with that many guests. Although I think my mom is still buying stuff for out of town bags, she just can't help it (it's the southerness in her), but I've warned her that buying $1 items x 100 can add up fast. But yeah, we decided no flowers for the BM (just me) and they will carry pomanders (Apple green pomander by MyKreations4U on Etsy), and our centerpieces are going to be tequila bottles with limes and mini-maracas (which we'll buy when we get to Mexico). Just a thought to help save money. My mom asked me if I remembered any centerpieces from a wedding I've been to (i.e., flowers), and I haven't, so I thought why spend $$$ on flowers if barely anyone remembers them. I guess it's for the pictures.
          Finally, I would definitely have the wedding you want now (with compromises) instead of the wedding of your dreams in 10 years. In 10 years, you and your friends are going to be focused on other things in life, like children, and I would think spending all that money for a wedding, even after you're already married, it just seems a bit unrealistic. It's like saying "one day, I'll drive a porsche" knowing full well you'll never spend that much on a car, but it's fun to dream about.
          I hope your FH is realizing that this is going to blast the entire time you and your friends/family are there. I can't wait for our wedding and the days before and after hanging out and drinking with my friends on the beach in paradise. When else do you get everyone you love together at the same place for a few days? It's gonna be great!
          Leslie and Aaron ~ Dreams Tulum ~ November 15, 2010
          Our wedding slideshow from the amazing William Sanchez: http://www.williamsa...aron/slideshow/
          And our TTD session (William Sanchez and Ivan Luckie): http://www.williamsa...slie aaron/ttd/

          #45 Mrs. Williams

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            Posted 13 July 2010 - 09:30 AM

            Thanks Leslie. The pomanders look great and I actually looked at her photo site as well. That's an idea I will look into. I hope he really comes around quick on the idea of having a GREAT reception party for all of our friends and family to celebrate our union. I asked one friend what she thought if I didn't have a reception and she said she would be pissed, and like you said, thought we were being cheap. I don't want that to be the case. We should spend the money now on the wedding I, we, want and be happy with that one and focus on other things in 10 years, like a house to fit all of our children in. LOL!

            #46 KRama

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              Posted 13 July 2010 - 12:26 PM

              I've read through this whole thread and I'm completely baffled by your FI's idea of a wedding! The reception is the BEST PART of a wedding! That's the time you celebrate your marriage with all your guests and show your appreciation for their support by spending some quality party time with them!

              I know Dreams is much more expensive than the resort we chose (which is why we chose the one we did!) but it sounds like you are getting very reasonable prices. Frankly though, I think $75 centerpieces are rediculous if you're looking to save money and like OceanWonderland said...no one will even remember them anyways! I didn't even worry about centerpieces and the resort took care of it for me. Our head table had the flower arrangement from our ceremony and the guest tables had a few vases with a single bird-of-paradise flower and candle lanterns. It looked beautiful! Maybe ask your WC what the table set up looks like. I bet they have their own version of table decor that won't cost you anything.

              As for flowers, this was another expense that I didn't understand. How many BM's do you have? I had 4 and I got them each a bouquet of REAL flowers that only cost $35 each. If you chose flowers that are in season, it shouldn't be expensive at all!

              I'm beginning to think you're FI hasn't been to too many weddings or he's only been to super stuffy traditional ones. For his cousin's wedding, after they played football, did they have a dinner and dance? I'm guessing yes. Did they all have a great time? I'm guessing yes. Remind him of this fact! Find out exactly what he doesn't like about a "reception". Does he hate the speeches, bouquet/garter toss, first dance? Maybe you can compromise on those. Like "ok, it's really important to me to have a father/daughter dance, but I don't really care about the bouquet toss". We only had our first dance since we only had a handful of singles and it seemed awkward to just hand my sis the bouquet. :)

              This is the day you're getting married so THIS is the time to have your dream wedding! Not 10 years from now when you're toting 2 kids and 10 extra lbs! (hahaha) You'll figure out a way to do it within budget. Take it from someone who's just done it: the little things are nice but they don't matter! You can get so caught up in OOT bag crap, place cards, programs, etc, that you're head (and wallet!) can explode. The best parts you'll remember are the times you spent with your guests and how much fun you had with them and your new hubby! Tell that to your FI's sister! haha

              #47 Ayita

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                Posted 28 July 2010 - 11:28 AM

                Hello there,


                I was wondering if you managed to find a mid-way ? Let us know !

                #48 KJ Shea

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                  Posted 02 August 2010 - 05:12 PM

                  My sister-in-law gave me some great advice when I was explaining to her that I didn't think he was seeing my vision for the wedding. In fact, I didnt think he really understood what the wedding was going to look like at all.


                  She said to simply leave destination wedding magazines, brochures and anything else that I want him to look at in the magazine rack in the bathroom. It really does work! And then he feels like he is contributing and adding suggestions and ideas.

                  #49 Mrs. Williams

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                    Posted 09 August 2010 - 07:54 AM



                    We finally did resolve it.  He said that if it really meant that much to me he would be willing to have the big party and to have thirty minutes of tradition during the reception but really just wanted an all out bash.  That's where we compromised.  I told him I would tone down the reception decor a little and it would still have the feeling of the traditional reception I wanted without breaking the bank and we could still have the "bash." 


                    There will absolutely not be any departing from each other after the ceremony to go and hang with the "fellas" however.  That has been made perfectly clear.


                    Thank all you ladies for your advice.  I will definitely use KJ's idea about the Destination Wedding magazines. 

                    #50 roo66

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                      Posted 09 August 2010 - 08:34 AM

                      Hunny im late to this post but now you can build on the"bash" by doing party things, a diy photobooth with props the white board for messages etc

                      I have done a very cheap centrepiece fake orchids in a goldfish bowl with a coloured light.The girls are right no one remembers the centrepieces.Fake orchids can look very life like check them out if you get a moment.The parasol idea is a very cheap alternative.Last year i went to the dominican and i watched a couple of weddings and honestly i posted at the time i felt the parasols was the way to go.Then you have the opportunity to splurge on your flowers a little

                      Happy planning xx

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