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STD rhyme feedback


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#1 soontobemrsdow

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    Posted 31 May 2010 - 06:09 PM

    Hey everyone!

    so we made up a little std rhyme to go with our magnets so any feedback that may make it better/more flowing would be greatly appreciated because I know for sure there are parts (like January and scary lol) that don't really work that I would love to change but can't think of anything.

    so heres what we came up with:

    He proposed she said yes!
    Where we're getting married though you'll never guess.
    It wont be in June or July, but the cold month of January.
    Don't be alarmed, outside won't be snowy and scary.
    It's gonna be really hot we can promise you that.
    You wont need a parka, boots, or a hat!
    So where are we going, well we'll tell you now.
    We're going to Jamaica mon, so now you know how!
    We're heading down Jan 8th-15th so you've got a bit of a wait.
    We're gonna have an amazing time so be sure to save the date!

    We generally like it along those lines but if you've got something better in mind and don't mind giving it up it would be a great help!

    Thanks and can't wait to hear what everyone thinks!

    #2 TheFutureMrs.Sears

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      Posted 31 May 2010 - 06:22 PM

      This is so cute!!
      http://global.thekno...rs/tt44496.aspx


      52 booked + The Bride and Groom!!!
      http://i69.photobuck....s/DSC02673.jpgMe and my Bridesmaids at my Bachelorette Party on a Roof Top with Manhattan in the background.

      #3 AishaB

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        Posted 31 May 2010 - 08:20 PM

        It's a really cute rhyme. I think your guests will love it!
        BDW the best place for my TYPE A personality!

        #4 JENISE

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          Posted 31 May 2010 - 08:42 PM

          I think the rhyme is super cute. Needs just a touch of tweeking. Let's see if this helps:

          He proposed and she said yes!
          Where we're getting married you'll never guess.
          It wont be in summer, but the cold month of January.
          Outside won't be snowy, there's no need to worry.
          It's gonna be really hot, we can promise you that.
          You wont need a parka, boots, or a hat!
          So where are we going? Well, we'll tell you right now.
          We're going to Jamaica mon, can't wait to go down!
          We'll be celebrating Jan 8th-15th so you've got a bit of a wait.
          We're gonna have an amazing time so be sure to save the date!

          Don't know if you like it or even if it's more flowy but sometimes, a different perspective is good. Good luck with whatever you decide. You started it great! Very creative!

          #5 vlynnw

          vlynnw
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            Posted 31 May 2010 - 08:53 PM

            It sounds very cute, but I like Jenise's little edits it makes it a bit easier to read it as well.
            Veronica & Adam - May 6, 2011 - Dreams Tulum

            #6 jajajaja

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              Posted 31 May 2010 - 09:41 PM

              He gathered courage to propose and she said yes!
              Where the wedding will be, you will never guess.
              January will be the month, but it won't be cold.
              Outside won't be snowy, or so we are told.
              Gonna be really hot! We can promise you that.
              Pack a suitcase, but leave the parka and warm hat!
              So where are we going? We can now will finally say...
              To Jamaica mon, it's the best place to play.
              But it's not until Jan 8th, so we got a bit to wait.
              Will be an amazing time- be sure to save the date!

              Here's my attempt. :) I tried to make each line nearly the same length to help with flow.
              Happily married since 2008

              #7 BeachBrideSoon

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                Posted 31 May 2010 - 10:42 PM

                Wow, I really like both poems!! Its amazing how they can say the same thing but also be different! Great job ladies!!!
                BeachBrideSoon

                #8 sap

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                  Posted 31 May 2010 - 11:00 PM

                  He proposed and she said yes!
                  Wondering where? C'mon, Take a guess!
                  Not June nor July, but the cold month of January.
                  Where we go, there's no snow, just bright and airy!
                  Sunny and hot, we promise you that!
                  No need for a parka, boots, or hat!
                  Do you think you know? Do you have a clue?
                  We're going to Jamaica mon! We hope you can too!
                  Remember it's January, so you've got a bit of a wait.
                  We're gonna have an amazing time so be sure to save the date!

                  Then add your names and the wedding date.

                  Hope I helped you some! This was such a cute idea, your guests will love it!

                  #9 Hopelesslyblissful

                  Hopelesslyblissful
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                    Posted 01 June 2010 - 12:04 AM

                    Wow I love them all!! I like the idea thgh of keeping all the lines along the same length like Rachel and sap did..it made it really easy to read..a nice flow.
                    But I loved them all, much better than anything I could ever come up with that's for sure!
                    http://dwdf.daisypath.com/vWwHm6.png

                    ~19 Booked Plus Bride & Groom~

                    #10 Mallory57

                    Mallory57
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                      Posted 01 June 2010 - 12:07 AM

                      All the girls' ideas are very cute!! My only advice would be to make sure you spell out 'January' :-)
                      35 (and counting) booked plus Bride & Groom!!




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