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Potential to turn out bad! Need advice


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#1 JanineA

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    Posted 19 April 2010 - 05:42 PM

    I am in a dilemma. Our guest list is all adults for our wedding with the exception of one child.....my future sister-in-law's daughter. She is an adorable child but by the time our wedding comes around she will be 16months. Initially my sister-in-law had asked for her to be a flower girl. I was able to dodge that bullet because I explained I didn't want petals being thrown at the wedding since my gown is expensive and I didn't want the color from the petals to ruin it. Now I don't know how to tackle the other dilemma which is not having her daughter at the ceremony at all. I know this may probably sound selfish but I really don't want her screaming and bursting into tears at the wedding and disrupting the ceremony. My sister-in-law is one of my bridesmaids. Though her daughter is very cute she tends to get cranky when she is not next to her mom or being held up in arms. I don't know what to do. I don't want my FSIL to feel like I am slighting her daughter. Though the father of the baby will be there he is horrible at calming her down when she goes into her fits of rage and I am just beside myself in panic right now picturing us up at the altar a perfect scene and this screaming, baby shouting to be with her mommy. Am I a terrible person for not wanting to have her there to avoid my day being spoiled?

    #2 tracy0716

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      Posted 19 April 2010 - 05:52 PM

      Not all!! I actually laughed out loud when read this because I can only imagine a screaming/crying flower girl...this is exactly what I did not want at my wedding! There is a small bridal party, my sister is MOH and FI's 2 brothers are groosmen. As of right now only one brother booked and he has two little girls ages 2 and 4. The other brother is MIA and another story. But like you these are the only kids coming to our wedding. I'm not asking them to be in the wedding party because they're like to scream or cry and I don't want to stain my dress.
      I wouldn't feel bad at all!! Your future SIL might appreciate not having to buy a special dress for her daughter. Hopefully your FIL's understand and can buffer this situation for you. Good luck!!

      #3 stacey

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        Posted 19 April 2010 - 05:59 PM

        So what exactly do you want her to do with her daughter? Leave her at home with a baby sister? or take her and leave her with some child care service there? Whom she doesnt know, and I wouldnt trust. And you dont want her as a flower girl becuase you dont want your dress stained? I hate to break the news to you, but your dress will be stained the minuted you step outside from the dirt on the ground.

        I think that you are being a little selfish. And while I understand that this is your wedding, and you may have the right to. You are also excluding your soon to be family. If I was your FSIL and you told me not to bring my kid, I would tell you to count me out of your whole wedding. Before the wedding starts I would simply ask whomever is in charge of the kid, that if she starts to scream or cry ask him to walk away until she is done.
        Stacey & Ely 10.14.2008

        #4 JanineA

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          Posted 19 April 2010 - 06:03 PM

          Thanks Tracy, glad I am not the only one thinking along these lines! Thanks for the candid answer Stacey.

          Oh P.S. I am aware that my dress will get ruined but since I do want to re-sell it I don't want it stained irrepariably by any coloring from the flower petals. Also I wasn't asking for them not to bring the baby to the wedding just not to the ceremony.

          Either way thanks for sharing your opinion.

          #5 Shuzzy

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            Posted 19 April 2010 - 06:12 PM

            I went through this same thing at another wedding I went to. I was actually the mom of the 2yr old though and my FI was doing the cermony ( he is ordained). My daughter was the same way at that age. I actually thought about my daughter ruining the wedding before hand and took care of it myself. Your FSIL prob has something planned too if she gets out of hand. Don't stress, I'm sure that she doesn't want her to scream and cry as much as you don't. She prob will have a plan to remedy the situation....don't worry. And I don't think its selfish to not want her ruining it. Its your day!

            #6 JanineA

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              Posted 19 April 2010 - 06:20 PM

              Thanks Shuzzy and Maureen!! Wow, after the last response I really thought I was being a B!tch, glad Shuzzy that you have a child and have been through something similar. Maureen you gave me a wonderful idea! The baby does have a tendency to scream quite a bit but I hadn't thought of having her make sand castles near by. In fact the FSIL's worry was that she would run to the water (she loves water). I think I will try to co-ordinate something so that she can sit near-by building sand castles. What a wonderfully proactive solution!! You ladies rock!!!

              #7 tracy0716

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                Posted 19 April 2010 - 07:49 PM

                Hmmm I guess I misread a bit. I don't expect FI's nieces to not attend the ceremony. I just am not including them as flower girls. I'm hoping and praying their mother will not ask or be offended. I'm also hoping and praying that if they do start to scream (which they do often) their mom or my FIL's will entertain them or keep them quiet. Thankfully our ceremony will be short! Good luck Janine!!

                #8 Tropical Imaging

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                  Posted 19 April 2010 - 08:39 PM

                  As a mother of two, the difference in personality and behavior in the next 6 months will change a bunch as well. The attachment issues tend to go away and then you are faced with the wanting to explore issues...LOL If you can, check with the hotel a few weeks before and get some recommendations for sitters/someone to play with her and maybe arrange one or two afternoons on the beach with mom around but a sitter playing with her. When she sees the sitter on the day of the wedding, she'll know...ohhh it's playtime and will associate with fun. The fact that you don't want her as a flower girl is a good thing IMHO. Until they are 4-5 years old, it's way too much pressure and attention on a kid. And to expect them to be in perfect clothes etc the whole time can be somewhat of a torture.

                  I would look at at giving her a fun gift of sand toys or something as well...

                  I have to say though, with a beach wedding, there seems to be a lot less crying kids than at church weddings...the kids go off to the side and play in the sand and have fun (also the ceremony is usually a lot shorter so that's fine too). I have also seen some kids calmly go up and stand next to mom during the ceremony or be held...while that may sound disruptive, in all honesty, everyone is so focused on the B&G usually only the photographer notices! With a relaxed atmosphere that is a beach wedding as well, kids pick up on that and are more relaxed as well.

                  Don't get too worked up over it. My sister did the opposite with me when my oldest was 3; she was the only child at the DW and sis wanted her at every event (which were all scheduled past her bedtime) and expected her to walk down the aisle...by the end of the weekend my little one was in bits and so was I. I would have loved to have been excused from those duties and she would have loved to been able to play! (she just sat on the steps at the wedding and almost fell asleep...) You're doing the right thing for you and for your niece. Don't "ban" her from the ceremony, plan for her to have things to do that will keep all of you happy!

                  And don't feel bad about the not having the flower girl...you can honestly say most etiquette books (I think Martha Stewart just had a thing about flower girls ages) recommend 4 and older. Under that age it is just not a good idea for the kids or the parents or the bride. As a mom, I whole heartedly agree!

                  It's going to be a fabulous day!!!

                  Krys

                  #9 carolina24

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                    Posted 19 April 2010 - 10:16 PM

                    you are not selfish at all....there will only be 2 kids at my wedding (flower girls ages 7 and 9) so i know they will behave. other guests have children and they are NOT invited to the wedding. they know that if they want to bring their kids to the vacation, then that was ok...BUT NOT TO THE WEDDING!!! it's YOUR day.
                    I understand that some people would say that if they were invited and asked to not bring their children, they wouldn't come; that's perfectly ok if you ask me, b/c at some point, when it was their wedding day, they did things the way they wanted...it's funny how people forget this when they have children.

                    #10 JanineA

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                      Posted 19 April 2010 - 10:34 PM

                      Thank you ladies so much. I am going to buy a neat bucket and pail and some other cool things for my FI's niece. Its funny cause his mom called me today to ask about the colors for the wedding and what the bridal party is wearing so she can start looking for a dress and she said "Oh my have you thought about wat you're going to do with baby M? I would hate for her to ruin you guys day and she is in a stage of terrible tantrums right now". I smartly replied that I intend on having sand pails and fun things so that she can still be entertained while she is at the ceremony. She was quite impressed as she hadn't thought of that either.
                      Thanks ladies for the positive suggestions/ideas/feedback!!!




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