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Grooms mother has too much input

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#1 yumyum90

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    Posted 15 April 2010 - 10:22 AM

    I am having my wedding in Jamaica and my fiance's family is Jamaican. I am at a crossroads because my fiance is letting his mom do whatever she wants. I thought the wedding was about the bride and the groom not the mother

    She has decided without asking me, that she is bringing a jamaican rum cake as the wedding cake, she is ordering rum that she wants for the welcome bags, inviting her friends who live in jamaica (they are not on the guest list and not in our budget), and has decided that i need to have my welcome dinner changed to a welcome breakfast!He even took the extra invitations that we had and gave them to her so she could invite more of her friends even after I asked him not to. It's so frustrating because my fiance doesn't stand up and say anything. When I brought it up to him he said "the ceremony in Jamaica is just what it is, we have only so much control" Excuse me... why don't we have all the control?

    We had agreed that this would not be an expensive wedding and set a price range. Now because of her we are expected to pay an additional $100/pp for her friends to get on site and pay for their food at the private reception as well. Not to mention that I don't want a rum cake, or the type of alcohol she wants to provide, nor do I want a welcome breakfast. I don't want to come across a rude to her but I'm not sure what to do but I'm about to blow up. Somebody please give me advice.

    #2 Lady_Di

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      Posted 15 April 2010 - 10:51 AM

      You definitely need to tell your FI to stand up to her. It is not his mother's wedding!! It is your and his wedding. If he still won't, then you should have a talk with her without coming across being rude. Simply tell that you have different ideas for the cake and etc and that you want a welcome dinner, not breakfast. Also tell her that you guys do not have $ to pay for her friends but if she still wants to then she is more than welcome to pay for them. SEe what she would say. Gosh, I am sorry you have to go through this. Just remember, it is NOT her wedding. If you have to, then cut her off for any wedding planning and simply say you don't want to stress her out. Good luck!

      #3 kate.com


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        Posted 15 April 2010 - 11:08 AM

        OK, you need to pick your battles here. I agree it SUCKS, but you need to keep your cool if you want to keep this experience enjoyable. And fiancee had better be on board. Maybe if you show him you are willing to bend a little, he'll take a stand on the more important things. that is marriage so he/you had better be ready!
        1. keep your welcome dinner
        2. you do NOT have to pay the site fee for off site guests, no way. I would wait it out and see how many of these "friends" rsvp before you approach how to fit them in your budget. They may not show, and if they do it will be time to talk to MIL about footing the bill. But give it some time so you know what you are dealing with.
        3. Get your own cake too. If she wants to bring a cake, so be it. But have your own cake the way you want it for your pics, etc. Your guests will only benefit from 2 cakes! Don't even tell her that.
        4. Let her provide alcohol for the OOT bags if she wants. Good luck transporting it! The rest of the bag, do what you want. No biggie.

        I hope this helps. But by playing it cool you will avoid some unneeded drama. By giving in to some of these smaller things that can be worked around and including her in some decisions, hopefully it will detour her from some wild ass idea, KWIM? Play the game sweetie. But, your man better learn what side to be on in the end:)

        #4 mjm

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          Posted 15 April 2010 - 11:52 AM

          I agree with Kate.com-what things are important to you and concentrate efforts on that. Also remember what position your H2B is being placed in- rock and hard stone spring to mind

          #5 svetayasofiya

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            Posted 15 April 2010 - 02:34 PM

            Kate.com said it perfect!!!

            I think what's important to keep in mind too is if they are Jamaican the fact that you are actually having your wedding in Jamaica must be HUGE for her. This does then unfortunately extend beyond a DW wedding... this becomes culturally significant to seom extent. Just keep that in mind. I really, truly think you should let her have her rum cake. She must be so excited her son is getting married in her/his country. Think about it! It's pretty cool. It's not just a beach wedding, it's home.

            Don't go over budget for anyone, but definitely pick your battles carefully and how you word things is SO important.

            #6 sorord1

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              Posted 15 April 2010 - 02:56 PM

              I agree you have to pick and choose your battles wisely. I am in the same boat as you but my MIL has not been that controlling. She just told me that all brides in Jamaica have to have antheriums in their bouquet and in their decorations. I kindly told her ok but I am a roses girl and I will carry roses but maybe find another place for those flowers she wants. She also made a big deal about the traditional Jamaican cake. She offered to buy us one because we just have to have it our weding. I suggested maybe we have one layer of the cake be traditional or maybe do a grooms cake. That was satisfying to her. But I am sure this is just the beginning so take a deep breath and try to have some fun planning YOUR wedding. As for the other guests she wants to invite suggest she help you guys pay for it or maybe move your ceremony and reception to an offsite location. That is what we are doing.

              Your wedding is a big deal to your MIL she has to make sure everything looks proper so she wont look bad in front of her family in friends.

              #7 Sheree10

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                Posted 15 April 2010 - 08:49 PM

                I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with all of this. A wedding can bring about such excitement from everyone, especially a FMIL who is helping to plan her son's wedding in Jamaica. As you now know, In Jamaica weddings are a huge celebration for everyone- even people YOU and hubby have never met or may never see again. I would have loved to have my wedding there but we chose a neutral location to avoid complications such as this.

                I can see how frustrated you are! I think that one of the first things you should do is have a conversation with FI and let him know how you feel. You two should decide on what you would like for your wedding and then he or the two of you can share this with his mother. It won't be easy but you shouldn;t have to give in to everything she wants just to appease her. I do agree that it;s important to choose your battles but if you feel she is taking over this may lead to resentment for many years to come. Whenever there is a situation my FI usually is the one to speak to his mother, especially if she doesn't understand when we say "no". Maybe it's better for your FI to speak to his mom so you don't seem like that bad guy.

                My FMIL chimes in every once in a while with suggestions/comments. I simply SMILE & NOD. I listen to what she has to say even if I know we are not going to do it. I try to keep conversations about the wedding to a minimum. I don't think she's too happy about not being heavily involved but heh- we're footing the bill!!

                BRIDE + GROOM + 60 GUESTS!!

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