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Girasole

Best Friend - venting

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So about 2 weeks ago my best friend & her husband emailed me to tell me they can't afford to pay for their plane tickets, they have already paid for their room. So after more emails she got all of her money back except for $100 but I was so annoyed. Here is my best friend for years and she couldn't even pick up the darn phone to call to talk to me about this. I understand money is tight right now & yes I would love to have them at our wedding but don't want them to go in debt doing it. The approach is what just irritated me. So now it's 2 weeks and I haven't heard from her since. I don't know if she's embarassed about it or what but FI & my mom are planning a "surprise" shower for me which she is supposed to do stuff for but to my knowledge hasn't yet. Has anyone else had this process upset a friendship? I love my friend but I'm just so annoyed right now and not that she can't come but more the way she has been dealing with all of this and trust me she's normally a vocal person, ha!

 

Just wanted to vent a little...

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Sounds like she's embarrassed that you know she's struggling. Oftentimes people can stay under the radar and put forth this image to their family and friends that they're doing fine, if not great (moneywise), and then something like this comes up and they're put on the spot. Suddenly they can't hide the fact that they're having money problems anymore and this can cause all sorts of issues, particularly the sense that they've let you down. It could be she's looking for you to make a move and let her know that you understand and that you still love her.

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I'd be annoyed a bit about her approach, too, but I agree that she's probably just embarassed. It couldn't have been easy to cancel like that after they'd booked the room- they obviously truly couldn't afford to come. Plus she's probably disappointed, worried that you're mad at her and feeling left out at this point. I'd make the first move just so she knows that you still want her to be included as much as possible. These weddings can be so hard on friendships, I hope you guys are able to patch yours up. Good luck! Also, a big kudos to you for being so understanding about the fact that she can't make it- there are some people who really take that sort of thing personally so good for you for being so reasonable.

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I know your pain!

 

I had a similar issue with my bridemaid and it still gets me irrate now. I think that text, emails have a time and place and when used in situations like this to communicate important information- texts and emails may be used as an avoidance measure.

 

Take a deep breath and know that other brides out there know your pain. Weigh up whether you want to confront the issue or not. I confronted the behaviour, I am glad I did but it has changed our friendship.

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I definitely agree; she's probably just embarrassed and upset to have put you through this. My aunt and uncle did the same thing to us - my cousin (about 10 years younger than I am) was going to be one of my bridesmaids. They were totally on board until I called to follow up with them because they hadn't booked by the deadline. They didn't even call me back, they called my mom to explain that they couldn't go! It was upsetting at first, until I thought about it and realized that they were probably just too embarrassed to talk to me in person/over the phone about it. To this day, they still haven't brought up the whole thing.

 

I don't think your friend is trying to offend you, she's probably just unsure how to/when to approach you now for fear of offending you even more (even though it sounds like you're completely understanding!).

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ugh, Chrissy, that must be really hard. I have a friend who told me she booked, but then I found out that she really never had so I totally understand your disappointment with how it was handled. I agree with the other girls - she probably is just embarrassed and sad about not being able to come after she already booked and unsure how to move on now. I would guess she's anticipating you being mad at her so I also agree you should reach out to her and let her know that while you're disappointed you're not mad at her and still want her as involved as she's able to be. The more time that goes by with something like this, the harder & more awkward it becomes to talk about it so I'd call her right away. Just my 2 cents :)

 

Good luck & I really hope this doesn't affect your friendship!

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I agree with the other girls, she's probably embarrassed and disappointed. Sometimes it's easier to say difficult things through email than by phone or in person... Perhaps you should just let her know how you feel and why you are upset, and reassure her that you understand and value your friendship. I will all be fine!

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I know it is disappointing that she let you know through email instead of calling, but it sounds like she is extremely embarrassed and probably couldn't handle telling you - her best friend - on the phone. Don't be too rough on her.

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I called her after it happened & told her it was ok & even helped get most of their money back. I guess I am just annoyed by the whole situation. We (FI & I) knew they were struggling with money for some time and asked them multiple times if they could afford to go & they always said yes. We even gave them $1000 for xmas and thought maybe they would use it for their plane tickets. Nope. Thanks to all of you for your thoughts : )

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