Do I give a gift?

[Holly22]

I have a situtation. I was wondering what some of you would do.

I have 3 bridesmaid for my wedding.

My sister is my maid of honour. I didn't ask her to be it was just assumed. I was fine because she is my sister.

I was a little nervous because she is very selfish. I knew she would do nothing at all but gave her the benefit of the doubt.

I didn't expect much because its a destination wedding.

What I got was nothing but problems from her. From the start she caused problems with the deposit. She then started a huge fight with family because she disappeared and at the last minute almost ruined the group rate.

From then it just got worse. She has not helped with one thing. My other bridesmaids started planning a little shower and she basically caused a huge fight with them and others that it had to be cancelled. I'm so hurt because she does not care at all. Shows no interest. I understand she is going so thats a bonus. All she is worried about is shopping for dresses and bathing suits and tanning. She has shown no interest in the wedding. Never offers to help or anything.

 

Basically I'm hurt. I called her out on it and she turned it around. Everyone is disgusted with her. No one can believe she is acting like this. The only one not shocked is me which is sad.

 

I'm done. I was wondering if it was bad not to get her a bridesmaid gift? I know that she is spending money to go but she has done nothing at all. I feel like if I get her something I will allow her to think her behaviour is acceptable...

 

What would you do?

[MDLady]

Oh goodness. The last thing you need now is drama, especially from your own sister.

 

I wouldn't "retaliate" by not getting her a gift though. That just reflects poorly on you. If that is just how she is, I doubt that anything or anyone will change that. You chose her as the MOH so short of firing her or having a huge family intervention, I doubt that you can do anything really. I would just not expect much from her and allow your bridesmaids, family, and other friends to help you as much as you need. I do hope that she doesn't pull this kind of stuff at the wedding. If you suspect that she might, I seriously would consider not involving her in the wedding at all. It sounds cruel but if you know that she will be a problem, then you probably should not have her there.

[Thomasjsgirl]

You shouldn't be worried about getting her a gift, you should be more concerned with how to fire her ass! Seriously, this is your wedding and your own sister is behaving this way? Sometimes we just have to realize that some members of our family are toxic and nothing we say or do will change that, so our only alternative is to cut the ties. Snip snip.

[Holly22]

Thanks. I know its so hard.

I'm at that point. The worst part is she is mad at me for saying anything! How dare I say she is a bad bridesmaid. I didn't even come out and say that. I said at least you can do is try or pretend to care. She took that and went crazy.

 

I'm really worried to be honest. She had quit drinking and was doing good so I was happy. She started again so I can only imagine what its going to be like.

 

The last two occasions have been HORRIBLE!

My baby shower she showed up hung over in track pants with her drunk friend and was rude and loud. I was humiliated.

 

The next one she showed up late and hammered to my two year olds birthday party. Started calling people names and was a mess. Once again humiliated.

 

She pretends to feel bad but does nothing to show it.

 

I didn't even give the full story with the deposit at the beginning. After hours of trying to track her down ( she knew the time we were all suppose to meet) I finally did. It was a sunday so she was still drunk from the night before. At least that was her excuse but I don't even know for sure. I called her and she thought she had hung up. She didn't. I heard her go on about how she didn't want to give a deposit because its not like our marriage would last anyways.

 

We have been together for almost 5 years have two children and have a great relationship. So it was hurtful because there was no warrent for it.

 

Ahh I could go on forever.

 

The thing is we had a rough childhood at times. It was always just us two. I have always made excuses for her because she is my sister. Everyone hopes she will grow out of it. She is now 25 and hasn't.

 

 

Sorry about my rant. Its just so hard to deal with.

[Thomasjsgirl]

OMG - she's an alcoholic. Have you attended any al-anon classes for family? You need support and tools in how to handle her and how best to help her help herself. Ultimately, if she doesn't get help, you know that you will have no choice but to cut her out of your life. In the meantime, are you absolutely, 100% sure that you can trust her not to ruin your wedding? And remember, you and your guests will be stuck with her for a whole week where she could potentially be in your face (and theirs) causing all kinds of grief with no relief! What are you going to do if she becomes unreasonable? Are your parents any help at all?

[amygirl1169]

Wow, kinda reminds me of my sister!! Ok, maybe not quite as bad, but incredibly selfish and is completely oblivious to what her duties are supposed to be as a MOH.

 

Since your sis sounds a bit more extreme, I would definitely fire her. You have every right and reason, no one would question your decision!! Just tell her you've decided not to have a MOH or something... or explain how much 'work' is going to be involved on the big day and maybe she'll be relieved... not to mention the MOH speech! That could be a disaster if she has a drinking problem, like you mentioned.

 

Good luck to you!!

[michelle10]

OMG! i can't imagine having to deal with her! So sorry you are going through this. If you decide to keep her in the wedding, then I think you need to give her a gift. If you don't, I think she will pitch a fit, pout, and cause A LOT of drama that you really don't need on your wedding day!

[Holly22]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thomasjsgirl OMG - she's an alcoholic. Have you attended any al-anon classes for family? You need support and tools in how to handle her and how best to help her help herself. Ultimately, if she doesn't get help, you know that you will have no choice but to cut her out of your life. In the meantime, are you absolutely, 100% sure that you can trust her not to ruin your wedding? And remember, you and your guests will be stuck with her for a whole week where she could potentially be in your face (and theirs) causing all kinds of grief with no relief! What are you going to do if she becomes unreasonable? Are your parents any help at all?

Yes she is. She was really bad last year. She got in an accident and was drunk. She goes to A.A now. I'm really upset because she was doing so good. She now drinks on "special occasions" from what I'm told. I'm pretty upset with my other bridesmaid. She is both of our friend. She has known for awhile she is drinking again but has kept it a secret as well.

My parents are afraid of her. She has a really bad temper and screams alot. They kind of avoid saying anything that will make her snap. My mom and her haven't really been talking for awhile. My dad is blind and it makes me mental. He even got mad at me and said I had to be nicer to her because she doesn't have too many people... um shocking I know

[MDLady]

Ok, now it makes better sense. I thought that she was just jealous or something but a drinking problem explains the erratic and insensitive behavior. Doesn't excuse it, but at least we know what the problem is.

 

If she is an alcoholic, a violent/loud/rude one at that, I would NOT have her at your wedding at all. There will be booze everywhere! I know that this is really tough but you can't be at your wedding worrying every single minute if she is drinking or not and if she will cause a scene. It's really hard with alcoholics or drug abusers or anything like that.. But you cannot continue to overlook such behavior at your own expense. She needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions.

 

Very sad situation. I just don't want you to have a time bomb on your hands when you are exchanging vows.

[Holly22]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amygirl1169 Wow, kinda reminds me of my sister!! Ok, maybe not quite as bad, but incredibly selfish and is completely oblivious to what her duties are supposed to be as a MOH. Since your sis sounds a bit more extreme, I would definitely fire her. You have every right and reason, no one would question your decision!! Just tell her you've decided not to have a MOH or something... or explain how much 'work' is going to be involved on the big day and maybe she'll be relieved... not to mention the MOH speech! That could be a disaster if she has a drinking problem, like you mentioned. Good luck to you!!

Yeah I agree I think I'm going to have to "fire her" in some what of a nice way. I want to advoid any extra drama.
She is the type who screams and makes a scene even without drinking...