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My MOH and groomsmen are heading for divorce...

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11 replies to this topic

#1 sjmacphe

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  • 291 posts

    Posted 18 February 2010 - 06:29 PM

    Hi Ladies,

    I just need to vent a little about the terrible situation my MOH is currently going through...A little background, her and her hubby (my FI's good friend) have been married and have 2 kids (one is almost 3 the other is 12 WEEKs old). Things have not always been the greatest between them - mostly because he can be a selfish pr*ck a lot of the time, and he has even told her before that he is not sure if he still loves her (that was a year ago before they got pregnant for the second time). She has sort of shrugged it off when he has said these things (she tells me, seemed sort of like she didn't really believe it or maybe thought he was just in a bad mood..). Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and he came home from a trip and told her that he wanted to move out and he's seriously considering divorce...SO - he ends up crashing at my house for a couple nights (he guilted my FI into it), he would go there during the day and then leave after the kids were in bed...

    Now they have been going to counseling a bit but it's not really fair - he is blaming everything on her, when all she has done is be supportive of him while he has gone through med school....I think this is also because he has started having contact with an ex and feels like the passion is gone (HELLO she had a baby 12 wks ago and you just left her what do you expect!). Anyway, I'm just so sad and I don't know what to do...she still wants to make it work but I don't think he does....She feels like sh*t, but she's willing to put up with him and take all of his crap (I think even if he cheated on her, which he almost has) just so the kids will have their dad (which I don't think is right either)....I just don't know what to say to her, I think she needs to move on and figure out how she can survive without him, it's not fair to her that he's doing this but if he's not willing to at least try to make her happy then they shouldn't be together, even though they have kids....

    AHHH - I just wish he could have waited to tell her this, is it really the best timing when your wife has a 3 month old and a 2 yr old to tell her you're just not in love with her anymore and you don't like the person she's become?

    Now, I don't know if either of them are coming to Cuba - I haven't brought it up to them, it will be so awkward if they are both there - trying to put on a happy face for us, I think it would probably be better if they stay home, but it breaks my heart!!

    What do you ladies think, should I tell them I think that they should stay home? I might be able to get someone else to take their spots so they wouldn't lose money. Also - do you think she's better off on her own, if it was you could you stay with a man who basically told you he doesn't love you anymore and has been emotionally unfaithful??

    Sorry this is so long...this is so awful, i wish I could just turn back time...

    #2 *HOLLY*

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      Posted 18 February 2010 - 06:34 PM

      I would not tell them to stay home or even bring it up! Let them decide what they want to do. It is horrible to see friends go through this but just be supportive. Hopefully seeing someone will help I am sure it may take a bit. Just hang in there as best as you can.

      #3 Melidell

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        Posted 18 February 2010 - 07:08 PM

        I'd let them decide what to do about coming, but if one (or both) of them brings up not being able to make it let them know about possibly getting someone to take their spots. Unfortunately you can't uninvite people but they probably won't both be able to make it if they're in the middle of a divorce. I'd actually put money on her getting left at home with the kids while he gets to go enjoy himself- he sounds like a real jerk.

        I don't think there is any way to tell her to move on. She has to decide to do that for herself and until she does no one else will be able to make her see that she's better off without him. Honestly, you should do your best to stay out of it. If they get back together (unlikely but you never know) they could both wind up mad at you. Just be there for her as a good friend. While he may be a real jerk, if he truly doesn't love her anymore he should leave and not keep stringing her along and wasting her life. I feel bad for their kids, though, but even if things don't work out he'll still be their father.

        ETA- and to answer your question, hell no! I'd never stay with an ass like that, kids or no kids. Marriage has it's ups and downs, but emotional affairs and emotional abuse? His arse would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what happened.
        Loving married life!

        #4 Eliana

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          Posted 18 February 2010 - 07:21 PM

          oH GF what a situation! I think I will not tell them to stay home, if both of them decide to go, then they need to make it work for YOU!. I just wish the best to your MOH and her kids...

          #5 **~Linda~**

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            Posted 18 February 2010 - 07:37 PM

            Originally Posted by Scubadiva
            I would not tell them to stay home or even bring it up! Let them decide what they want to do. It is horrible to see friends go through this but just be supportive. Hopefully seeing someone will help I am sure it may take a bit. Just hang in there as best as you can.
            Completely agree with this... Just let them come to their own terms and see what happens..

            #6 SusieQ

            • Sr. Member
            • 1,603 posts

              Posted 18 February 2010 - 07:57 PM

              Damn that is one ugly situation... From a bride that just got married, I can tell you for your peace of mind that if one or both don't make it to your wedding, your day will still be the most amazing day of your life.
              I hear in the tone of your post that isn't the thing that is breaking your heart. It is seeing a friend that you love being abused and hurt. God bless you you are a kind soul.. not once did you do the poor me!!! She is very lucky to have you as a friend and that is the best thing she could ever hope for right now.
              I agree with everyone else leave it for now and just continue to be the friend you are.. Also don't be worried about showing her how happy and in love you are right now... I truely gives people that are hurting and in bad relationship hope and a dream of something better.
              Congrats on your up and coming wedding

              #7 sjmacphe

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                Posted 18 February 2010 - 08:59 PM

                Hey ladies, ok I'm going to shut up and back off - at first I felt like I had to go over all the time and try to talk to her about it but I have since started to give her some space. I'm glad he's (her husband) moved out of our place (living with another friend for now), it was driving me crazy - in front of my FI he acts like normal (like fun/joking) I think he must be hurting too - but it's sure hard to tell.

                I will just wait and see - we need to order the groomsmen clothing soon, but I guess we won't ask her hubby about it yet. She already has her dress. It would actually be so fun if she came without him and let him take care of the kids for a week while she just relaxes...But I will let them decide. Thanks for the advice. I just want to help her to see that she's a beautiful woman with so many great qualities and if he's not going to appreciate her he doesn't deserve her....maybe he will do a 180 and realize everything he will be giving up.

                #8 sungoddess_08

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                  Posted 18 February 2010 - 09:28 PM

                  Maybe he will -- but it sounds like he doesn't know how lucky he is. If he is selfish and not goign to change - she may be better off (sad for the kids though).
                  While I agree with the others that you shouldn't bring it up -- I would drive myself crazy wondering if they wanted to tell ME that they were backing out, but didn't know how. I would be worrrying that they would feel they couldn't tell me or something, so I think I actually would bring it up to my GF - but it's hard to say unless you're in the situation. I still think you should wait and let them come to you, but I can see how it would be tough.

                  #9 vdaybride

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                    Posted 18 February 2010 - 11:50 PM

                    I feel so bad for her. Th hormones tht you deal with after having a baby then to deal with that. I hope all turns out ok for her and her kids. Your wedding is and should be the last of her worries. Sorry to say it, but she has bigger fish to fry. I am sure she wants to be there for you, but she has to get her house in order first. I would not even bring it up and let her decide what she will do on her own. you don't want to seem selfish by bringing it up at this point in her ordeal. Good luck to her!! COntinue being a support system for her.
                    Married 2-14-2010 Dreams, Los Cabos


                    #10 bnbrmy

                    • Jr. Member
                    • 218 posts

                      Posted 19 February 2010 - 02:03 AM

                      I say let them decide. And it sounds like in between having a new baby and being in school, he is stressed to the max. Not making excuses for him, of course, what he is doing/saying no matter what his intent is not the greatest way to go about whatever he is feeling. i think that if they decide to go to the wedding it will be great for them, maybe get a little personal time and romance back. I would talk to him or have your FH talk to him and see what is REALLY going on. I wish them the best.

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