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FSIL Drama!


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#1 amygirl1169

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    Posted 29 January 2010 - 06:53 PM

    Ughh, ok, I've been stewing about this for 2 days now and just have to get it out!

    My FI comes from a really big family - he's the youngest of 11! His eldest sister is sort of like a mother to them all and very sweet. Their mom is not the most nurturing and definitely not winning any mother of the year awards in her lifetime... so I kind of think of his eldest sister as his mom.

    She's had a rough year. She works like crazy as a cook, works hard at home taking care of her husband and teenage kids (she's quite a bit older, has 2 grown children and then 2 twin teenage boys from her 2nd marriage, the twin teenage boys are incredibly spoiled and rely on her for EVERYTHING!). She had a hip replacement earlier this year and then around Christmas time, her husband fell off a ladder putting up the lights and was in the hospital for quite a while.

    They had told us some time ago that they would not be able to come to our wedding due to financial reasons. Which is totally fine, we understand. I really wish they could be there, but we know not everyone can afford to attend a DW.

    Then, one of the younger sisters got a really good deal for all of them to go to Florida together. So they all went for 5 days or so. We were still perfectly fine with this, they needed some relaxation after all they've been through and they got a great deal.

    Then, two days ago, the younger sister sends out an email to all the siblings and us, saying how much the older sister really deserves to go on this trip and attend our wedding and if everyone could just pitch in a couple hundred dollars, they could pay for the eldest sister and her husband to come. (The way it was written was more of telling rather than asking)

    So, I read this and thought it was a really nice sentiment, but really don't see the other siblings all pitching in when they themselves can't afford to come either... I also assumed we were simply copied on the email for logistical purposes and so we could contact our travel agent regarding rates, etc...

    Well, was I wrong!
    FI calls the younger sister (and when I say younger, I mean 38 ) to confirm and she says, Yes, I want you to pitch in for this as well. So, he was caught off guard by this and wasn't direct in saying no, but rather made excuses saying money is tight for us since he's waiting for payment from quite a few clients right now and can't afford it.
    She says, That's ok, you can just pay me back.



    Is it me or is this completely RUDE?!
    My parents are busting their a$$es to try to come up with some money for us to cover the cost of our wedding, their trips, etc... We're struggling to come up with the closing costs for our new house that will be due 1 month after we return from the wedding and other various wedding expenses... and she is asking US to pitch in for someone to attend?
    Not to mention, that my sister, the MOH is currently in school and had to spend every last penny of her savings to attend and we didn't pitch in for her! (I did pay for her dress and other things to try to make up for it)

    I am just so flabbergasted that she even considered asking us to contribute to this... how can we be expected to shell out for one person and not the others?

    FI says don't worry about it, we're not paying anything and that's it... But I know I won't relax until he clarifies with her that we are not 'paying her back' and that we're very sorry the eldest sister can't attend, but what about all the other people struggling with money??

    Am I wrong here?

    #2 bnbrmy

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      Posted 29 January 2010 - 08:30 PM

      No, I agree with you completely. Looking at the prices I am having to pay, I know I wouldbe unable to pay for someone else to go. Why doesn't the little sister just lend the money to the oldest sister? Money situations is hard for everyone right now. You need to just worry about you, your FI, your bills and your wedding. If the trip is that big of a deal for the little sister to have her big sister, then she needs to worry about it. You have enough to deal with.

      #3 Melidell

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        Posted 29 January 2010 - 08:30 PM

        I don't think you're wrong. It would be nice if you were able to help her but it sounds as though things are pretty tight for you two. You're also right that it wouldn't be fair to everyone else who is struggling to go. It was a nice thought on his families part to try to find a way for her to go but your FI's sister shouldn't have volunteered you guys like that.
        I'd let FI deal with it, though, since it's his family. As long as you two are on the same page (and it sounds like you are) I wouldn't worry too much about it.
        Loving married life!

        #4 Holly22

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          Posted 30 January 2010 - 11:29 PM

          I understand completly how hard it is financially.
          I would think it was wrong if it was some random. You said that this sister was like a mother to him so I can kind of see where the other sister is coming from.
          If she was like a mother its probably breaking her heart she cannot attend. I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they all probably just want her to be there to share your special day. It cost alot for everyone to go. She is probably thinking if they can all pay thousands to come you guys can help as well.

          I'm not saying you should or she is right. I can just see where she is coming from.
          If she was a mother type figure to your FI, I think a couple hundred extra to spend to make sure someone so close to him will be there is a wonderful gesture.
          If you cannot afford it then you can't. You shouldn't feel bad! I just can see where they are coming from here.

          #5 marak

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            Posted 31 January 2010 - 01:05 AM

            Here's the thing of it...you, I, and not nearly as many other folks as one would think, can plan ahead and save money. This is, as all desination brides learn, not a virtue most people have. We all have financial hardships in our own respective worlds.

            That being said, as destination couples we all need to recognize the expense issue will come up and we will have to make concessions at times. In our heads my fiance and I have a couple of lists, namely the A list and the B list. The A list consists of family and friends we have chosen to be our family. The B list is the fun-friends and family we are obligated to invite. We have decided that if there are any A list guests that are having financial difficulty for WHATEVER reason, we will help them to the extent we can. Now, we are by no means advertising this option to our guests but we know who is important.

            I am getting to the point, bear with me...

            The A-listers are A-listers because we love them and it is imperative we share this day with them. They are NOT A-listers because of their meticulous attention to detail or tendencies towards fiscal diligence. If his eldest sister, who is like a mother to him, is an A-lister...do what needs to be done so he can share the day with her.

            It is no ones business who you and your fiance help out financially. Nor should you need feel guilty for helping one person and not another. Is it rude of the other family members to expect this help? Yes, of course it is. Extremely rude. But I suppose the ultimate question is not one of rude or not rude, right or wrong, deserved or not. The question is will your fiance have a better day with her present? If the answer to that is yes, do your darndest to make it happen, regardless of the details.

            By opinion, it's a couple of hundred dollars. Be it ever so begrudgingly...cough it up and put the issue to bed.

            #6 vdaybride

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              Posted 31 January 2010 - 01:16 AM

              This person seems to be someone who was instrumental in helping mold your FI into the man you want to marry. If a few hundred dollars out of your pockets will help her make it to see her brother/son walk down the aisle then you should have no problems doing what you can do to make that happen. I am sure over the course of his lifetime she has made similar sacrifices. I know that things are probably tight with planning your dream wedding, but IMO your FI shouldn't even think twice about contributing to her trip. This is coming from someone who has paid for 7 immediate family members to attend because I can't imagine walking down the aisle and not seeing them there. Good luck with your decision.
              Married 2-14-2010 Dreams, Los Cabos

               


              #7 McToasty

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                Posted 31 January 2010 - 10:13 AM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by vdaybride
                This person seems to be someone who was instrumental in helping mold your FI into the man you want to marry. If a few hundred dollars out of your pockets will help her make it to see her brother/son walk down the aisle then you should have no problems doing what you can do to make that happen. I am sure over the course of his lifetime she has made similar sacrifices. I know that things are probably tight with planning your dream wedding, but IMO your FI shouldn't even think twice about contributing to her trip. This is coming from someone who has paid for 7 immediate family members to attend because I can't imagine walking down the aisle and not seeing them there. Good luck with your decision.
                Money is such a stressful issue esp. when it is really tight. FI and I are scraping to get by, and I see how difficult it is to weigh - if you financially help a family member out, and if you do - which one? I agree what vday bride, if it is at all possible to scrap out a few hundred, or even to have the youngest sister pay for now, and pay her back later. FI *is* the groom, but he is also one of the siblings. It makes sense that she sent the request out to him too. From what you've posted, it sounds like you really recognize and appreciate the huge role the eldest sister played in his childhood and the obstacles she's had to deal with the past year. It would be amazing if she could go to celebrate your big day with you guys too. :)

                Hope it all works out!

                #8 jenne

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                  Posted 31 January 2010 - 04:13 PM

                  I am totally with you Amy. I think that it's extremely rude for her to ask you and your fiance to help pay for her trip. It's not fair that she would expect you would help pay for hers and not the other guests, or other people that may want to come but can't. I understand that in some situations there is just no possible way that someone could afford to go without any help, but I just feel like if it meant that much to them to be there, they would be doing everything they can to be able to go on their own (such as saving the money instead of going to Florida) in order to try to make it to your wedding. If you knew that she was doing everything possible to save and then still needed a little help, that might be different. But that's just my opinion and I would be upset too!
                  Jennifer

                  #9 mbarnes04

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                    Posted 05 February 2010 - 08:11 PM

                    Ugh, that sucks!!! I know that my mom is under a lot of financial stress and is single, so I just expect to pay for her because I really want her there. It sounds like your fiance is really close to her... if you can't contribute the full $100, maybe you can contribute something but not that much? Either way, it's ok to say you can't afford it and support finding ways to help out... like maybe you can help her find someone to room with, etc? Sisters are touchy... I've SOOOOOOOOO been there! Good luck!

                    #10 kymkymkym

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                      Posted 05 February 2010 - 08:24 PM

                      WOW. You are wrong in no way shape or form, the fact of the matter is - is that destination weddings ARE hard for everyone to attend. We are struggling with this fact right now that not everyone we want to be there are going to be able to attend but on the flipside we could not afford to have an at home wedding with the amount of people our family expects us to invite! This is why we opted to go away and have a destination wedding with only our close family members etc. If your FI's younger sister wants the older one to attend so badly she shouldn't expect everyone to agree with her nor feel obligated to pay for someone else to go.. money is definitely tight for everyone during these times right now! I think it's rude of your FSIL to think that because it's your wedding you need to help out in paying for the other sister to attend, you guys are more than likely already contributing enough towards the day to make the experience memorable for everyone else.. it's not like your having a reception or buying favours etc. for yourselves - it's for everyone else's enjoyment! Best of luck with the FSIL!




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