Posted 29 January 2010 - 06:53 PM
My FI comes from a really big family - he's the youngest of 11! His eldest sister is sort of like a mother to them all and very sweet. Their mom is not the most nurturing and definitely not winning any mother of the year awards in her lifetime... so I kind of think of his eldest sister as his mom.
She's had a rough year. She works like crazy as a cook, works hard at home taking care of her husband and teenage kids (she's quite a bit older, has 2 grown children and then 2 twin teenage boys from her 2nd marriage, the twin teenage boys are incredibly spoiled and rely on her for EVERYTHING!). She had a hip replacement earlier this year and then around Christmas time, her husband fell off a ladder putting up the lights and was in the hospital for quite a while.
They had told us some time ago that they would not be able to come to our wedding due to financial reasons. Which is totally fine, we understand. I really wish they could be there, but we know not everyone can afford to attend a DW.
Then, one of the younger sisters got a really good deal for all of them to go to Florida together. So they all went for 5 days or so. We were still perfectly fine with this, they needed some relaxation after all they've been through and they got a great deal.
Then, two days ago, the younger sister sends out an email to all the siblings and us, saying how much the older sister really deserves to go on this trip and attend our wedding and if everyone could just pitch in a couple hundred dollars, they could pay for the eldest sister and her husband to come. (The way it was written was more of telling rather than asking)
So, I read this and thought it was a really nice sentiment, but really don't see the other siblings all pitching in when they themselves can't afford to come either... I also assumed we were simply copied on the email for logistical purposes and so we could contact our travel agent regarding rates, etc...
Well, was I wrong!
FI calls the younger sister (and when I say younger, I mean 38 ) to confirm and she says, Yes, I want you to pitch in for this as well. So, he was caught off guard by this and wasn't direct in saying no, but rather made excuses saying money is tight for us since he's waiting for payment from quite a few clients right now and can't afford it.
She says, That's ok, you can just pay me back.
Is it me or is this completely RUDE?!
My parents are busting their a$$es to try to come up with some money for us to cover the cost of our wedding, their trips, etc... We're struggling to come up with the closing costs for our new house that will be due 1 month after we return from the wedding and other various wedding expenses... and she is asking US to pitch in for someone to attend?
Not to mention, that my sister, the MOH is currently in school and had to spend every last penny of her savings to attend and we didn't pitch in for her! (I did pay for her dress and other things to try to make up for it)
I am just so flabbergasted that she even considered asking us to contribute to this... how can we be expected to shell out for one person and not the others?
FI says don't worry about it, we're not paying anything and that's it... But I know I won't relax until he clarifies with her that we are not 'paying her back' and that we're very sorry the eldest sister can't attend, but what about all the other people struggling with money??
Am I wrong here?
Posted 29 January 2010 - 08:30 PM
Posted 29 January 2010 - 08:30 PM
I'd let FI deal with it, though, since it's his family. As long as you two are on the same page (and it sounds like you are) I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Posted 30 January 2010 - 11:29 PM
I would think it was wrong if it was some random. You said that this sister was like a mother to him so I can kind of see where the other sister is coming from.
If she was like a mother its probably breaking her heart she cannot attend. I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they all probably just want her to be there to share your special day. It cost alot for everyone to go. She is probably thinking if they can all pay thousands to come you guys can help as well.
I'm not saying you should or she is right. I can just see where she is coming from.
If she was a mother type figure to your FI, I think a couple hundred extra to spend to make sure someone so close to him will be there is a wonderful gesture.
If you cannot afford it then you can't. You shouldn't feel bad! I just can see where they are coming from here.
Posted 31 January 2010 - 01:05 AM
That being said, as destination couples we all need to recognize the expense issue will come up and we will have to make concessions at times. In our heads my fiance and I have a couple of lists, namely the A list and the B list. The A list consists of family and friends we have chosen to be our family. The B list is the fun-friends and family we are obligated to invite. We have decided that if there are any A list guests that are having financial difficulty for WHATEVER reason, we will help them to the extent we can. Now, we are by no means advertising this option to our guests but we know who is important.
I am getting to the point, bear with me...
The A-listers are A-listers because we love them and it is imperative we share this day with them. They are NOT A-listers because of their meticulous attention to detail or tendencies towards fiscal diligence. If his eldest sister, who is like a mother to him, is an A-lister...do what needs to be done so he can share the day with her.
It is no ones business who you and your fiance help out financially. Nor should you need feel guilty for helping one person and not another. Is it rude of the other family members to expect this help? Yes, of course it is. Extremely rude. But I suppose the ultimate question is not one of rude or not rude, right or wrong, deserved or not. The question is will your fiance have a better day with her present? If the answer to that is yes, do your darndest to make it happen, regardless of the details.
By opinion, it's a couple of hundred dollars. Be it ever so begrudgingly...cough it up and put the issue to bed.
Posted 31 January 2010 - 01:16 AM
Posted 31 January 2010 - 10:13 AM
| Originally Posted by vdaybride |
This person seems to be someone who was instrumental in helping mold your FI into the man you want to marry. If a few hundred dollars out of your pockets will help her make it to see her brother/son walk down the aisle then you should have no problems doing what you can do to make that happen. I am sure over the course of his lifetime she has made similar sacrifices. I know that things are probably tight with planning your dream wedding, but IMO your FI shouldn't even think twice about contributing to her trip. This is coming from someone who has paid for 7 immediate family members to attend because I can't imagine walking down the aisle and not seeing them there. Good luck with your decision.
Hope it all works out!
Posted 31 January 2010 - 04:13 PM
Posted 05 February 2010 - 08:11 PM
Posted 05 February 2010 - 08:24 PM
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