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The Parental Contribution Vent!

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19 replies to this topic

#11 svetayasofiya

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  • 590 posts

    Posted 28 January 2010 - 11:16 AM

    I gotta agree with the girls on this one. Sorry!!! I totally get where you're coming from... but I think you need to look at it from their perspective and not make it about favouritism.

    In my case... I *did* (supposedly) get the same amount that my brother did ten years ago for his wedding, even with inflation taken into consideration, LOL but my parents gave it to me last year when we bought the house before our wedding plans were announced... so maybe now they wished they didn't ? haha They gave it to us with the intention that we might have wanted to use it on the house, but we chose to save it for the wedding. Now not meaning to sound ungrateful, it wasn't a huge amount of money, so IMO if they gave like $10k then yeah, I'd totally expect them to minus their travel costs from that, or maybe we would have thrown a more tarditional, local wedding. But in my case it wasn't nearly that much. It definitely was awesome to receive and helped us soooooo much. Everyone's situation is diff.
    In my case due to the fact that my parents live on the West coast and I live in the East, they'd have to travel anyway... so it was really with this intention in mind that a DW made the most sense. This way for the same price as a long weekend in the city where I wouldn't have seen them much, they get a whole week on a resort with plenty of time for visiting.

    Anyway.... don't let money get in the way. And definitely don't say anything to your mom. I just think we have to be thankful for any hand outs we might get and keep quiet. We are adults afterall, and this is the 21st century...

    #12 AlexsBride

    • Jr. Member
    • 401 posts

      Posted 28 January 2010 - 12:43 PM

      I really do appreciate everyones comments! I don't take them the wrong way at all...I mean, I have never planned a wedding so am not totally up on the way things are done. I should have pointed out that there were travel costs involved in one of other weddings and a huge hotel bill which wasn't taken out of the wedding gift, but didn't want to get all petty. I'm not worried about gifts from guests at all...we have lived together for three years so really aren't expecting gifts from the other guests that come. I think the issue I have is more personal than money because it's just one of the many times that he has shown favouritism to his kids and not my moms. And someone mentioned that if his kids had a destination wedding would they still give the money...I guess I will not really know for sure until that happens but my mom told me in private that she knows he would still give him the money! Lol. Thanks for listening at any rate!
      Mom to two beautiful girls, Izzy and Delilah and about to marry their Daddy! :)

      #13 Tonir

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      • 283 posts

        Posted 28 January 2010 - 12:56 PM

        Alexbride - I can kind of understand where you are coming from. I do think it's okay for them to take travel expenses out for themselves, but other than that I think you should get the same amount. My fiance's parents gave money for his bro's traditional wedding, and so far haven't said anything to us about paying for anything. That is fine, but it would just be nice to know either way I guess. We both have great jobs and do not want nor expect help from our parents (mine are doing it anyway after much protest from me) but with less than 3 months to go and almost everything booked and half-paid for it would be good to know for planning purposes :) Good luck!

        #14 nsbride2010

        • Sr. Member
        • 2,528 posts

          Posted 28 January 2010 - 12:58 PM

          Yeah I see your frustration, but (like evryone else) I think its completely reasonable for them to give you and your FH less, considering their travel arrangements. My parents gave us a set amount for the wedding, but that would have been considerably higher for a traditional wedding. They came out on the better end of things (not having to pay as much), but it was expensive nonetheless!

          Perhaps instead of spending money on certain things you could compensate by making them yourself? I'm thinking of things like the invites, the Save The Dates, the bouquets for the bridesmaids, boutonierres for the guys... however you can save money would help you out! :)

          At the same time, I have to tell you that you should also be grateful for the fact your parents are shelling out the dough to go to the wedding. There are a many brides on this forum whose parents flat out refused because they didn't like the location of the wedding, didn't agree with a symbolic wedding, scared to fly, scared of catching a communicable disease... the list goes on. So remember you can still have a fantastic wedding on a tight budget; what matters is who is there for your special day, not how much you spent to get there.

          Good luck!
          Enjoying marital bliss since July 1st, 2010

          #15 marak

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          • 58 posts

            Posted 28 January 2010 - 02:24 PM

            Be gracious. A gift is a gift is a gift. You say thank you to whatever they see fit to give you. If you don't like the terms, don't take the gift. End of story.

            #16 **Kat**

            • Sr. Member
            • 2,682 posts

              Posted 28 January 2010 - 02:27 PM

              Originally Posted by marak
              Be gracious. A gift is a gift is a gift. You say thank you to whatever they see fit to give you. If you don't like the terms, don't take the gift. End of story.
              Well said.

              #17 Ashlynn039

              • Jr. Member
              • 355 posts

                Posted 28 January 2010 - 03:33 PM

                My parents are also setting a number that is similar to what they contributed to my sister 8 years ago and are taking out of that amount the cost of their travel. Which is okay with me because I'm excited for them to be there :) But if your step-dad really is favoring his children over your moms then I understand why that would upset you

                #18 Melidell

                • Sr. Member
                • 1,091 posts

                  Posted 28 January 2010 - 05:03 PM

                  I say pay for it all yourself and move on. The way I look at it is "those who pay get some say" so by not relying on them for a contribution you get to call all of the shots. It's wonderful to have parents who want to contribute but at the end of the day they don't have to.

                  I do get that there are deeper issues here with your step siblings and yourself- it sounds like you feel like they've been favoured. Maybe they have been and that does really suck. So I see where you're coming from. Now, though, you get to go ahead with your own life and start your own family (if you want) where this sort of thing doesn't happen. Don't let this stuff overshadow your wedding because it is what it is and there's probably nothing you can do about it, really.
                  Loving married life!

                  #19 AlexsBride

                  • Jr. Member
                  • 401 posts

                    Posted 28 January 2010 - 05:16 PM

                    Thanks for your messages ladies, your good points and your understanding. Yes, there are deeper issues here with my Stepfather, but he is not changing anytime soon. Someone mentioned getting to start my own family, but I am one step ahead...I have an almost 2 year old daughter, two stepchildren and am 4 months pregnant. Which is another reason I am freaking out a little bit because we have not only us to pay for but for three of our four kids as well. But it's always been my dream to have a destination wedding, so that is not something I am going to miss out on.
                    My step dad is not just taking away their portion of the travel expenses though! He is completely taking it all away! The amount that they stated they were going to give everyone is more than what the trip is costing them! I don't mean to sound like a baby, but that's just not fair. Anyway, end of my rant and I will just appreciate what, if anything, the parents do end up contributing to our day.
                    Mom to two beautiful girls, Izzy and Delilah and about to marry their Daddy! :)

                    #20 svetayasofiya

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                    • 590 posts

                      Posted 28 January 2010 - 05:19 PM

                      Good luck with everything! I am sure it will all work out and be the day you dreamnt of. Congrats on your pregnancy!

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