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Being Pressured to change our wedding date


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#1 Cindy*

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    Posted 21 January 2010 - 09:51 AM

    Sorry ladies, this is purely a rant. FI and I got engaged over Christmas. There was immediate pressure on us by FI's family regarding setting the wedding date. FI and I decided on Nov 2010 for several reasons. 1. After hurricane season. 2. Gives everyone sufficient notice to plan (i.e. get vacation time/save money for wedding). 3. we want our wedding/anniversary to be when its cold outside here (what's the point of going somewhere hot in the summer). 4. Its before the busy season so rates are still reasonable for our guests. 5. Gives us time to find the perfect location and book all our vendors. FI and I put a lot of thought into the wedding date.
    FI and I have decided on Dreams Los Cabos and have even confirmed availability of our date and are just waiting on travel pricing from the TA to finalize. FI's family has been unsupportive of the destination wedding from the start and has put a lot of pressure on us to have the wedding at home or to have an AHR even though we can't afford either and they certainly aren't offering to help pay.
    While last night I get a total ambush call from FMIL pressuring me to change the wedding date to August because one FSIL is a teacher and she would have to take unpaid vacation in November. Of course we want FSIL there. We have even suggested that we would be open to helping with her ticket if she had to take unpaid time off. But its unfair to expect us to arrange our wedding around her. An August wedding would mean we have to find a completely new venue because there are no direct flights from Toronto to Los Cabos at that time (the lay over at the Calgary airport would be over 10 hours!!). It would also mean that 2 members of our wedding party would not be able to make it. We would also be anxious about hurricanes. Finally, for the rest of our lives we would have an anniversary date in the summer which we don't want.
    The biggest kicker is that FI's family has already complained so much about the destination wedding that the FSIL in question probably won't come no matter when the date is.
    The whole thing makes me even more stressed cause FI is just like, f**k it, do what we want whereas I'm the one who tries to make everyone happy. I feel like FI's family knows that and therefore are putting all the pressure on me. The whole thing is stressing me out. Sorry for the rant, but it makes me feel a little better.

    #2 ACDCDCAC

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    Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:01 AM

    wow that really stinks! first of all, i think you need to do what YOU and FI want to do and try your darndest not to let others influence your choice.

    you say the family is not willing to help with an AHR or anything, so im assuming you and FI are paying for the DW yourselves, which means you have no worries of anyone "forcing" you to do anything you dont want... your $= your way!

    honestly, your reasons for picking a november wedding FAR outweigh FMIL's reasons for having an august wedding. maybe you could draw up a list of pro's and cons for each month and present it to her so she realizes that you are making a very rational choice? i know sometimes when you try and tell someone something they only hear the parts they want, but if its down on paper, how can they argue? (dont forget to include that $ help you want to give SIL for the unpaid week as a PRO!)

    anyways, i really hope you keep the november date for many reasons, but the biggest one is i'd hate for you to have any regrets later down the road. every bride wants happy memories of the entire wedding, and the best way to do that a lot of times is to do what you want and need to do because its YOUR day :) (not FMIL's hehehe)

    either way, keep us posted!

    #3 Cindy*

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      Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:05 AM

      Thanks Abbie. That's a really good idea and I will definitely do that.

      #4 bnbrmy

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        Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:59 AM

        I agree with your FI. This is YOUR day. Nobody else's.
        When we told our families that we were having a destination wedding, we had simular reactions. Everyone is so upset because they can't be there and making me feel horrible while they are pressuring me to do it at home, and even close family have told me they would NOT attend unless it is as home. I told them all that is fine. My wedding really has nothing to do with anyone but myself and FI. Anyone who can come is just a bonus. I think you should look at it the same way.
        My family is also wanting to do a fake wedding and reception when we get home. Like you, the funds are not there to do that. So what we have been talking about is to have a little dinner at the house or go out to dinner. For the close family/friends that can't make it to the wedding. (maybe you could do that)

        All in all, you need to do what makes you happy. A wedding is suppose to be a once in a lifetime, and we all need to treat it as such. You and FI need to do this for you.

        Good luck!

        #5 svetayasofiya

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          Posted 21 January 2010 - 12:12 PM

          You can't start changing your wedding date to accomodate others- family or not. There is no guarantee that she will even come if you move it to August. Sure right now everyone is saying oh I'll be there, I wouldn't miss it, but believe me, alot of people are all talk, and when it's time to take out the credit card... you'll have a lot of no shows. That being said, #1 rule of planning a DW- do what you want, when you want and where you want. You are never, ever going to please everyone.
          We changed our wedding date once, because my mom asked us too. We had originally planned for today actually, but moved it to Feb. 18th. Reason: my mom felt it was too close to Christmas vacation. Fair enough so we bumped it by three weeks. Then that pissed off an aunt and uncle because it meant missing the Olympics. It also meant another uncle couldn't come because he was working for a company that did a lot of structures for the Olympics and needed to be in Vanacouver... c'est la vie!
          You moving your wedding to August, would have been like me moving my wedding to April. It just wasn't going to happen. Stick to your guns. The sooner people see how serious you are, the sooner they will get on board (or not!). It's not about being selfish, but it's about you and your FI in the end, and you really truly have to do what you want and that is have a November wedding.

          good luck!!!!

          #6 Sloan

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            Posted 21 January 2010 - 12:42 PM

            Your FI's got it right. F**k it. It's your day, your wedding, your life. Pick the day/month that the 2 of you want as a wedding anniversary, not some day in August because FSIL can't get vac time in November. Stop trying to make everyone happy, because it will never happen. People will piss and moan about anything and everything. I suppose you'll have to decide if making yourselves happy is a priority.

            #7 Cindy*

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              Posted 21 January 2010 - 01:11 PM

              Thanks Ladies. You are all making me feel so much better. I agree, this is our wedding and it should be what we want it to be, not what soemone else wants it to be.

              #8 Tifuhhknee

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                Posted 21 January 2010 - 01:26 PM

                Welcome to the destination wedding world! We all feel your pain and totally understand. There comes a point when you cannot please everyone. Do what you and your FI want!

                Honestly, FI's immediate family has been completely UNsupportive. Especially his mother, she's a control freak and we are just out of control, lol. I will be SHOCKED if any of FI's immediate family attends besides his father. We will wait and see.

                I live in Louisiana and I know hurricanes, you do not want to worry about that at the time of your wedding. All of your reasons for wanting November sound perfect. FI's mother is a school teacher, we tried to choose a spring break date so she doesn't have to miss school like your FSIL, well guess what... now that we have a deposit on our date... the school board changed Spring Break to the week after Easter. We are not going to change it for her. It's what we want. Do what you want. Do not feel selfish or bad about it. This is your wedding and you deserve to do it your way. You want to look back and know you had exactly what you wanted.
                Destination Wedding: April 21, 2011
                At Home Reception: May 7, 2011
                25 guests + bride + groom booked

                My Wedding Planning Notes

                #9 sungoddess_08

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                  Posted 21 January 2010 - 02:05 PM

                  I agree -- and went through the same situation - my FI mom is a teacher. We did change the date - but I was happy about it because it was sooner! :) We had planned for October 2010, but moved it up to June for that very reason. His mom cannot come until 4 days into our week, but she was fine with that because at least she can come.

                  You will always have people who may not be able to come -- my sister is a single mom, and is struggling with the idea of paying for such a lavish trip. I was hurt at first, but completely understand now that it may be hard for her to come. It's best to keep your head up and remember....even though it's hard....to not take it personally. Don't let other people's desires influence what you do!

                  #10 Loveisintheair

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                    Posted 21 January 2010 - 03:01 PM

                    I agree with Tifuhhknee..welcome to destination wedding decision. When we decided to have a DW my parents were not supportive. It really hurt but we went forward any way. The crazy thing now everyone is excited. I promise it gets better. These are the moments that will make your relationship with him stronger because you are banding together.
                    PS. If you make one person happy somebody else will be upset..don't start accomomdating now becuase you will never stop. That's life!




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