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karenk77

breakup or forgive & not forget

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One thing that really bothers me is why he wants to pay off such an old debt now? If it is so old why wouldn't another year be ok? Was he being pressured to pay it off? Its sounding a little funky to me he could have paid it later and still hid it from you. The fact that he knew you would find out and still took the risk just isn't adding up. And you said he wanted to start off fresh?? That doesn't make sense and I grew with family involved in this stuff. Can you get clarification from outside sources?

 

You are getting your masters, planning a wedding, dealing with drama, dealing with family drama I'm scared something is going to give and I don't want you to have a mental breakdown. Can you retake your classes next semester? Can you speak with your professors about missing class if your not an online student. I just feel like you need to get away for four days go to the woods, go to the ocean, go somewhere where you can listen to yourself.

 

Were all worried for you, this is suppose to be happy time! Instead it seems like your dreading each day. Maybe its time to bring mom in and have a good cry with her. It's not to fair for you have to burden this all on your own.

 

Keep us posted our thoughts are with you.

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Hi Karen- I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this so close to your wedding! How horrible. I think there are a few things you need to do before you make a decision... Do you have access to all of his accounts(bank accounts, credit cards)? You should really check the history of his accounts to make sure this isn't a current problem... also look at pay stubs from his job to make sure what is being deposited matches up.

 

When was he planning on getting the 5k back to you for the wedding? Or was he just never going to tell you about the money?

 

Jaime

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I would say forgive and not forget. I don't think you should drastically alter your future because of his misstep. Sleep in the other room for a while longer and make him feel the error of his ways, but don't call the whole thing off.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Preciousmi811 View Post
One thing that really bothers me is why he wants to pay off such an old debt now? If it is so old why wouldn't another year be ok? Was he being pressured to pay it off? Its sounding a little funky to me he could have paid it later and still hid it from you. The fact that he knew you would find out and still took the risk just isn't adding up. And you said he wanted to start off fresh?? That doesn't make sense and I grew with family involved in this stuff. Can you get clarification from outside sources?
This is a valid point. I know you've said that this is an old debt but is there any way for you to confirm this for yourself? In this situation I think you'd be justified in not just taking FI's word for this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaime+Brandon View Post
Hi Karen- I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this so close to your wedding! How horrible. I think there are a few things you need to do before you make a decision... Do you have access to all of his accounts(bank accounts, credit cards)? You should really check the history of his accounts to make sure this isn't a current problem... also look at pay stubs from his job to make sure what is being deposited matches up.

When was he planning on getting the 5k back to you for the wedding? Or was he just never going to tell you about the money?

Jaime
This. Exactly! Do you have the full financial picture? Could he possibly have credit cards that you are not aware of? I don't want to sound cynical but again you deserve to have full disclosure about all finances given what has happened and his history if you're going to make an informed choice.

All of this aside, though, I am seriously hoping that you're okay. You sound like you have a lot on your plate as it is and this must be a really hard extra burden to bear. I'm sending good thoughts your way- be strong!

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ok sooo...heres where we stand..been crazy busy with school papers and stuff..after a week of sleeping on the sofa he transitioned to the bedroom..he swore up and down it was from the past and no longer does it..so what can i do..after torturing myself, him, my fam and his fam for over a week, telling myself i was done didnt work and i realized i do love the moron..i told him im not jumping back into any wedding planning and were taking it slow.

so hopefully that was a lesson learned..i heard building complaints that there was too much screaming from my appt (i got a pair of lungs lol) and i hope things will get better one way or another.

thank u all sooooooo much for your support i couldnt have done it without this site i felt like my heart was gonna explode keeping it all in lol.

thanks again everyone!

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I'm so happy you were able to work things out.

Sometimes realizing that you do love each other even when you do stupid idiotic immature things just shows that you're good together. I know it's so easy to want to give up when you have so much stress for other sources on top of relationship issues but sometimes you have to take a deep breath and realize that it is one thing, one situation, and you aren't being taken advantage of on a regular basis, that he isn't lying to you about everything, that while it hurts and its not right and you deserve so much better than what he did, he still loves you and wants to spend his life with you. Its so easy to automatically get defensive and start trying to protect YOU but a marriage isn't like that.

Not that I'm condoning what he did or saying that people should stay in unhealthy relationships but sometimes its not cut and dry. Sometimes great people make really stupid mistakes and have issues that have been there since before the "us" period. As long as it's not a recurring theme in many parts of your lives together, you can forgive each other and know that this is making you stronger.

 

So you've given him enough time to fully feel your wrath, hopefully by now he is thoroughly ashamed and understands that he needs to change not only to keep you but also because it is what is best for him and for your future life together. And you've gotten past that hardest part of forgiving even when you don't know if you want to or if he's really sorry or just sorry he made you mad. Sometimes it takes us longer to feel like they're sorry than is actually necessary but you two have gotten through it.

 

Call me idealistic but I say that if anything you two working through this shows that you will be able to have a strong marriage. If we waited until we were all "deserving" of marriage, then would it ever happen? Your relationship doesn't get easier after the wedding, but neither do problems automatically come out of the woodwork. Maybe it used to be that way before we all dated for years and lived together before marrying but not anymore. Your life together has already started and this has been one huge step for you two and will bring you closer if you let it and give each other more credit then you deserve.

 

Okay, off my soapbox now.

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LOL no I appreciate it..and the truth is I know why he doesnt tell me certain things..not that I am justifying anything but I also know that I am judgmental and my convictions are so strong that if he tells me something that i thing is retarted then I get very condescending..so for him hes damned if he does or doesnt..if he tells me he knows its going to turn into a fight and if he doesnt tell me he doesnt realize it but i find out and it turns into a bigger fight..he needs to man up and i need to calm down..and maybe that balance would be better. I am still kind of jaded and hurt and when i think of it, it sickens me but i feel like if we arent meant to be together i would be able to walk away easily and i wasnt so that means theres still a part to our story..and it may end in happily ever after, or it may end in divorce papers 6mths after the wedding, but nothing is guaranteed, not couples that marry out of undying love, or couples that bicker..we just dont know..and my mom always told me all my life "when you get to the point that you cant take it anymore you'll know exactly what to do, if you can clearly decide then you arent ready to make any desicions" which is perfectly applicable here.

so we shall see :)

I wish everyone a happy and healthy thanksgiving.

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Karen- so glad to hear that you guys are working through things! I really feel like you are doing the right thing! I am very passionate about my feelings, as it sounds like you are. We can probably be pretty harsh. I'm a fighter when i'm mad, and i'm a lover when i'm loving....I strongly believe that once a couple is engaged that you really are in it for the long haul. Your plan should be to fight to stay together and fight for your love. It will be hard. period. (obviously there are situations where you need to walk away) but I think yours is one working through. Keep us posted on how things are going!

 

Wishing you & your FI the best,

Lindsey

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