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karenk77

breakup or forgive & not forget

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oh honestly us too..weve been together 3yrs lived together for a little over one and have been engaged for a yr and a half and have been through soooo much crap i feel like weve been through more together in that time then people do in lifetimes..which on one hand weve made it this far so great..on the other how much can one person deal with (not that all the shit was from him he puts up with alto of me too..because when i get angry im like a devil) his dad called me said we dont want to lose you i said neither do i but i can only deal with so much, meanwhile his dad was supposed to work tonight but when i told his mom what was happening she made him stay home because she said she was having panic attacks i was like whaaaaat

this whole thing is nuts i swear like movie type shit, and i come from such a calm peaceful home like how the hell did i get all this lol

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it sounds like they just care a lot about you and the must know how great you are for their son! I'm sure they know how devistated your FI would be if you decided to leave him and I'm sure that plays a role in your FMIL's panic!

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karen:

I am so sorry that you are going through this mess. I was engaged in past. We dated for 3 years and were engaged for 9 months before I called it off. He also had an addiction: alcohol. I started finding out about lies and things he was keeping from me. I am in so much debt b/c of him. I loved him so much and I wanted to make things work. He started therapy and things got better. I moved to GA before him to get things going and it was horrible. I still didn't trust him (and I was right not to). I found out he had lied to me about work and other things basically the whole time I was in GA. I finally called things off (1 month before the wedding). Everything was booked. I had my dress, people were coming from out of the country. I had a lot of guilty feelings not only b/c of our guests, but b/c of my parents (who had paid for everything up to this point). My parents were VERY supportive when I told them I couldn't go through with it. It was the hardest thing I've ever, ever had to do and it took a loooonnng time to get over all of it; the disappointment, lying, trust issues, etc. BUT it is the BEST decision I could have made!!!

To sum up (lol) He has to completely work through his addiction before he can be a good partner, the type of husband you deserve. After my failed engagement I live by this motto: I'd rather be alone than in bad company.

Good luck honey. Please, please, please think this through very very well. If that little voice in your head says walk away, you need to do it.

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Karen you need to think about what is best for YOU and not what is best for his family or people that have booked for the wedding. If the people coming to your wedding truly care about you then they would understand if you had to call it off so don't worry about them. And of course his parents want you around your probably the only thing that has turned their son around.

 

This is the worst position to be in and my heart goes out to you. I don't think you should give up but I do think you need to postpone the wedding and get counseling and work on building trust back into your relationship. I know you want your wedding to be the happiest day of your life but how can it be if these issues are looming over your head?

 

Good luck honey.

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honestly i dont know what the voices say..im soo confused right now to even hear them..part of me says we can work thru this this other part is f'ck him why should i?

just so mixed up

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Hey, K.

I just wanted to check in & see how things are going with you. I just feel awful for you & wish there was something I could do.

 

There is some very sound advice going on here. I think you should pay attention to what you said before - that if it wasn't a DW you'd cancel it. Maybe explore that a little more. I understand you feel pressure b/c guests have booked, but you can't let that decide for you whether to carry on or not. People coming to your wedding obviously care a great deal about you so they will understand if you cancel. Like precious said, above, you want your wedding day to be the happiest occasion and to be giving yourselves to one another without reservation. This is your life & it sounds like you have great instincts. If you have strong reservations you need to listen to & trust those instincts.

 

I'm glad his parents are supportive of you. Of course they love you & want you to marry their son, but just be careful not to let them manipulate you with their emotions. You have enough to worry about without the added guilt.

 

I really think counseling is a good idea too. Have you talked about that at all? Is he open to it? Gambling, like any addiction, is really hard (if not impossible) to quit without help. Does he even think he has a problem or is it just that he got caught? If he didn't get caught this time, would he continue to place these bets? What would it take for him to recognize there's a problem?

 

I know you must feel you're in a sh*t storm right now, but try to do something to nurture yourself. Take a long walk, work on a hobby, get a pedicure; do something you enjoy. You need to take care of yourself & do a little something to temporarily take your mind off all of this. Sometimes a little distance can help you gain some clarity.

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Thank you so much K, who would think our convos from then would end up to this? lol

im going nuts, besides dealing with this, finishing up my masters this semester(due to graduate in dec) so i have 3 classes that are all consuming, papers up the ass and feel like im just gonna break..literally, and my mom keeps asking if everything is ok i dont want to tell her obviously.

counseling might be a good idea but then again that takes time and this wedding is 3mths away, and i know everyone would understand but that doesnt take away from my guilt knowing people have spent so much money with intention of attending UGH. im smoking cigs like a chimney this is just nuts

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Last year my FI's cousin had a wedding planned in Arizona and the entire family from Canada was headed down there for the wedding. There was 23 from his family all booked and extremely pumped to be going to this wedding and being together for a holiday. One week before they left and 10 days before the wedding, we got the email from the brides sister telling us the wedding was cancelled the groom had gotten cold feet. All but three family members still got on that plane and headed out to support their cousin through the most difficult time of her life. The hall was booked and there was no getting any of that money back (45 day cancellation clause) so the cancelled wedding became a family re-union. The bride was just over joyed that her family was so supportive and there has never been a negitive comment about there not being a wedding. Hun, no one would ever want you to get married if it isn't right for you.

You need to put all the other people out of the picture and focus what is best for you.

 

Sending you hugs!!!! Your strong you'll get through this.

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ugh, you probably feel like you're going to explode. I know it'll be hard but you absolutely must not let this derail you from your studies. Finishing up your masters this semester is huge and it's exactly what you need to be doing. Stay focused & kick those papers' asses!

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Shimming in late but here it goes. First off I'm so sorry your going through this at the moment. With the wedding and your masters degree plus everything you've probably gone through during your relationship i can understand why your thoughts maybe clouded. All in all I do have to agree that it sounds like FI might have a gambling problem and if its the case its definitely an issue that should be dealt with before getting married. Only because as with any addiction the effects and future strains that it causes in any marriage especially a newly wedded couple can be exhausting and sometimes come to a point where it may turn unmanageable. Although in your original thread it sounded that he was genuinely sorry about what he had done it's obvious that the barrier of trust was broken and that is one that will take time to heal. I think at this point you need to probably just take a day or take sometime away and be by yourself and think about whats most important to YOU. I'm not in the relationship so i can not be the one that tells you which path you chose I can however tell you that you do have the answers. Try not to think about it as a black or white issue in which you should break up or forgive and not forget but think of it as what you gain with either actions. Stop thinking about the cost of what people have spent on attending your wedding. Remember that marriage is the celebration where two people become one in happiness. If you are to decide on postponing or canceling the wedding and you know people would understand then you really need to start focusing on the understanding and letting go of the rest. I hope this helps some if anything at all. You sound like a strong woman and i wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

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