breakup or forgive & not forget

[karenk77]

lets say you found out that your future inlaws gave you 5k to put towards your wedding, but your fi doesnt tell you about it he uses the money to pay someone off. your fmil mentions the money to you and you're completely oblivious, you question your fi and he tells you he used the money to pay someone he owed and intended on putting it back before anyone found out, needless to say the cat is out of the bag and I am crushed. I told him i am calling the whole thing off, we live together but have been sleeping in seperate rooms since(this was monday). I am just so confused and not sure how to handle this, how can you be with someone you don't trust? this isnt typical for us, and we are open and honest with everything. he said he didnt want to tell me because he didnt want to upset me that he owed someone money because i'd get upset, so i said everytime soemthign is gonna happen that u dont want to upset me ur not gonna tell me? thats bullsh*t! I am not one of those softies that forgive easily and not niave either..usually more skeptical then passive. tore him a new @sshole not that thats solving anything but i got some anger out lol.

 

so anyway as you can imagine i am a confused mess, and i know noone can make any desicions for me or do i expect anyone too..but i am not telling anyone i know about this because i'm a a private person about my business(yet im announcing it on a website lmao) but its different i guess and just curious how you would react as you're reading this?

[*Linds*]

Karen,

Wow this would be a tough one! I am not one to easily forgive and I am typically pretty skeptical as well so I can totally relate.

 

That being said, I have dealt with similar, not the same by any means, but similar situations with my FI in the past. What I have learned and what I can deduce from your situation is, it sounds like your FI felt pretty ashamed about the money he owed to someone, asahmed enough that he didn't want to tell anyone about it. I can totally understand how upset you would be because I would imagine you feel like he lied and conceled something from you (atleast that's how I would feel). My first thought would be- if you can hide this, what else are you capable of hiding. What you should try to keep in mind is people don't always think things all the way through. If he owed someone 5K or any chunk of money it was probably the result of a poor decision in the past that he was ashamed of to begin with, by not bringing it to your attention he felt like he was protecting you from his blunder.

 

In my opinion he did not do this to be sneaky or hide things from you, but he did want someone who wanted to stay out of trouble and make up for their past mistakes would do. This isn't how I would go about it, nor how you probably would either, but the fact is he did. I know it can feel like a deal breaker, but try to put yourself in his shoes and understand why he did it. It sounds like to me he wanted to pay off his debt and move forward with a life with you.

 

I would feel devistated as well. I think the most important factor is how is he going to handle this going forward and what is he going to do to make you feel better about the situation. He made a mistake, as EVERYONE does, how will he fix/handle it.

 

You love him, you plan to marry him, you atleast owe him the opportunity to begin to rebuild trust with you. Punshing him over and over will only make it worse, trust me, i've done it. Give him a chance to remind you why you picked him in the first place.

 

I hope you can find it in your heart to give him a second chance. In my opinion he deserves it.

 

-Lindsey

[*Linds*]

just some quotes...

 

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

 

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

 

“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”

 

" If we really want to love

we must learn how to forgive "

[creoletexan]

I would feel hurt even deceived and cheated, because the money was given to both of you for the sole purpose of the wedding. So, first I would feel mad that I am going to be his wife, his parter in life, and he didn't feel it was vital to tell me about the debt. The last thing you want to do is get blindsided by a $5000 debt, which is by no means a small amount. Then, it's another thing to use money meant for the both of you, but to not tell you about it as well as use the money for this unknown debt, not a $200 phone bill... $5000! I mean, I would be livid, and it is something I wouldn't take lightly at all. I've been married for over 6 years, on here for my vow renewal, and I don't care how bad it is, I rather my husband be open with me than try to "protect" me. Whatever it is, no matter how bad, we can work through it, but we can't work through it if you don't tell me.

[karenk77]

awwwww thank u so much for that! and taking the time to respond..im usually the one giving advice and when it comes to me im so lost, i guess because we are all objective when emotion is removed, but when i am emotional im like a firecracker.worse a volcanic eruption.

I guess because I know his past I am just scared to have any patterns repeat. I know thats it not anything done intentionally to me but exactly like you said if you can do this whats to stop you from doing it again. i dont want to be a hawk, or a detective or anything like that..ugh what a mess!!

[*Linds*]

trust me I know how you feel! I found chew in my FI's drawer once and had no clue he was doing it. I flipped out like PSYCHO flipped out, and felt like I would never get over it and told him it was a deal breaker. I basically told him if he ever did something like that again he would lose me forever. He knows how stupid it was and has never repeated any type of similar behavior.

 

It sounds like to me you just need to keep a sharp eye on things, but i really feel like he deserves a second chance. I think if you do some real soul searching you will find your answer. You probably know deep down inside if he would ever do something sneaky again. IT sounds like extremely poor and immature decision making to me....

 

I think you guys can get though this and come out on the other side a stronger couple. One thing I learned is I can be hard to approach about things that my FI knows is going to make me upset because I am very emotional and I can tend to have knee-jerk reactions...maybe your fi feels the same. I just know I do it because I am passionate about the way I feel about things...

 

how are you feeling now? Still the same?

[karenk77]

whats chew? weed?

as for how i feel..no clue u did make me feel better though thank you, he just walked in with a huge bouquet so i said u tryin 2 cover urself from every angle?

just unneccesary crap that i dont want to deal with..i cant lie for my life so this just bugs me out

[pineapple princess]

hey chica!

 

give yourself a little while to sort your feelings out before you do anything!! there is no need for a rash decision. I would be absolutely LIVID and you have every right to feel the way that you do.

 

sammysgirl had a great one: “You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”

 

it is hard to face up to thing that you are ashamed of, but put your big boy britches on and come clean! that was something that you all could have worked out together. But alas - it is over and done with. Just take some time to explore how your feel before you make a decision. And....major kudos to you for not telling anyone you know. that only makes things worse.

[*Linds*]

chewing tobacco- needless to say he learned his lesson.

 

He's trying atleast. I know its hard to forgive.

[YaelM]

Im so sorry! But i have to 100% agree with sammygirl in that it seems like he was ashamed - its not an excuse but it seems like he wasnt intentionally trying to lie to you/hurt you. I also agree with you that he shouldn't hide things from you to "spare your feelings" you should take as much time as you need but it sounds like he feels really bad and will hopefully learn from this

 

Good luck and HUGS!