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So maybe I was in over my head.....(long) Updated

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#11 damaris

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    Posted 28 October 2009 - 12:13 PM

    I think you know what you need to do. I'm a firm believer that sometimes people stay in a bad situation because its easier to stay then to start over. I don't judge him because of the kids, but because of all the other baggage he's bringing. ask yourself do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Do you wanna have kids and bring them into this? Ultimately it's your decision, but don't base it upon, the dress is brought, invites sent out and his family loves me and I love them. Ask yourself are you happy? Do you see better for you? Good luck in whatever path you choose.


    #12 KittenHeart

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      Posted 28 October 2009 - 01:12 PM

      Like the other girls said, this is a big decision but it sounded to me like you had already made your decision.

      I think that you should trust your instincts absolutely and think about how he is treating his ex and kids in a passive manner, you don't ever want to be in that situation.

      Good luck, I'm sorry that you're in this tough decision!

      #13 FutureMrsLewis

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        Posted 28 October 2009 - 05:52 PM

        Something that helped me come to an absolute decision whether or not to end my relationship with my ex was this:

        If you had just met him today, do you still think it would turn into a relationship?

        I was dating a guy who was a doll in High School, but eventually turned to drugs, and I couldn't handle that anymore. So I thought "If I was just meeting this guy, and I saw all of the drugs, I would turn and run in the opposite direction!" And run I did :) And I haven't looked back, not once, because I know I made the right choice.

        Do what you need to do for YOU, and don't let anyone else's decisions stand in the way. Good luck sweetheart! *hugs*

        #14 Melidell

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          Posted 28 October 2009 - 08:15 PM

          I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I'm just going to be blunt, though, and I hope it doesn't sound too harsh. Marriage is not just about love, it is also about trust and respect. You can't trust this man and he doesn't respect you. This is no foundation to build your life upon and marriage will only make things worse, not better. I think you should leave and it sounds to me like you already know this deep down. You can forgive him if you feel like you need to- but you do not need to stay with him to do that. Whatever you decide to do, though, I wish you all the best.
          Loving married life!

          #15 Jennybell1

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            Posted 28 October 2009 - 11:25 PM

            Im really sorry you feel this way and things have been getting worse for you. I think if you read over what you posted on here, you will find your answer. I cant tell you what I think you should do bc Im not in your situation. What I can tell you is this..... in the end you need to be happy. You need to follow your gut feeling bc as women we have this great thing called "intuition" and if you really just sit back a listen to what it says, your going to know what to do. Whatever you decide.....no matter what anyone says, you need to "own" that decision and move forward. If you choose to walk down that isle, then make sure all your ducks are in a row before hand.....if you choose to walk and take another path, remember that there are a ton of fish in the sea and there IS someone out there for you if you want that.
            Be strong and listen to yourself, bc in the end of it all, you really cant lie to yourself forever.
            Good luck and I wish you all the best in whichever path you choose!

            #16 michelle6114

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              Posted 29 October 2009 - 08:07 AM

              I will tell you something about my sister's situation. She worked her ass off to get her master's in architecture. She had no time for a relationship though, so right out of college she hooked up with the first guy who looks twice at her. We call him "the nice guy with a bad situation" because that is how she seems to see it. This guy is totally comfortable with living off my sister, uses her income to pay his child support and his trip to Jamaica. She even had to pay the child support in NY over $1500 before they would allow him to get his passport. When anyone asks what she sees in him her answer is "we get along really great". Of course he will get along great with you, you fool! You are supporting him!
              Anyway, I watched my sister in JA, she just looks so drained and refused to spend a dime on herself, while that idiot was in the giftshops buying himself toys for the pool and other various crap for himself. I pray every day that she kicks him to the curb. She worked hard for a good future and it's all going down the tube.
              Like I said, you have to worry about yourself now. No one else is going to.

              #17 itsfinallyhere

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                Posted 29 October 2009 - 09:46 AM

                I am truly soorry to hear about your distress. I understand completely. I myself went, lived thru this. FI's daughter had just turned 2 when we met. She is now 24. And the only thing I can truthfully tell you is that if your FI is a pushover now when it comes to the kids it will only get worse. If he is avoiding telling you things, he will continue to do this in regards to his kids. And if his ex is giving you trouble, do not expect it to end until those babies are fully grown and no longer need support. A scorned woman is the worse and they will continue to live to make your life as uncomfortable as possible, for as long as possible. And then when support to the mother finishes don't think for a second that the kids will not have learned by then that Dad is the cash man! I only had to deal with one child. It was not always easy. And at times I did want to run screaming, I did stay. And finally we are getting married, because I allowed him to always put his daughter first when she was little. Now that she is grown up, well old habits die hard! I do not regret it most of the time, but I should have insisted that my priorites not be pushed aside (like marriage). Kids are important but you should not have to sacrifice too much for his children. Do not forget to take sue your needs and priorites are being met. Women, like us tend to be too self-sacrificing and always giving. Never taking time or anything for ourselves. You are just as important a person in this equation as anybody else (him, the kids, & his ex), because if you stay what affects them affects you too. Whether they like it or not, so make sure your voice is heard. Otherwise get out or your will be their doormat. Good Luck. I hope you find a sense of peace soon. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

                #18 YoursTruly

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                  Posted 30 October 2009 - 12:47 PM

                  Sounds like you have hung in there hoping hings would get better. What type of man has 4 children with someone and not own up is the first question. He has way too much baggage and if you guys were to even have children, your kids would (i say this not knowing his financial situation) probably not have the life they deserve. This is not easy I am sure because u definitel love him, but as someone said marriage does not make it better.

                  #19 Debs

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                    Posted 30 October 2009 - 03:36 PM

                    Originally Posted by big3n09
                    .. I have not always been as faithful as I should have and I forgave him with the understanding that it never happens again. ..

                    Sorry to be brutally honest but it doesn't sound like either of you should be getting married. *shrug*

                    #20 big3n09

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                      Posted 31 October 2009 - 03:30 PM

                      Thank you all for letting me vent! I appreciatie your prayers, advice, support, encouragement, and just for you posting. Some of you were able to read between the lines and see that I already knew what needed to be done and that I needed to walk away from this situation. We discussed things and agreed to call the wedding off. I do want to say in my defense that the one time when I was unfaithful was years ago and prior to us being engaged and that doesn't make it better it only states that I was not in a marriage mindset. We both clearly see tht marriage right now is not for us and even explored the idea that we may not be the two people for each other eventhough we do absolutely LOVE each other. We agree that we need to do some more growing and soul searching before getting married, so thank you all again!

                      Happy planning and living to you ALL!!!
                      4/1/11 in St. Kitts at the Marriott I married my best-friend!!!

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