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Family Issues...

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#11 MikkiStreak

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    Posted 02 July 2007 - 08:44 AM

    Originally Posted by mlb36
    I think that often when people say they can't afford something they really mean its not a priority for their money. I will often say I can't afford to do something because I would rather spend my money in some other way. This may not be the case with your family, but its something to consider.
    I agree, and this is one of the reasons why I decided it just didn't matter too much to me if my brothers didn't attend. Within 5 minutes after one of my brothers found out we were doing a DW, he emailed and said if I chose to have a DW, they wouldn't be able to afford to attend. 1 month later, he took his kids 4 states away for a Halloween party at his brother-in-law's. 2 months later, I read on his website that he flew all 5 members of his family to NY for a niece-in-law's wedding. And that's in the midst of buying new guitars because he wants to, shopping sprees to Versace for his kids, buying all new furniture for his house, re-decorating their kitchen, dining room and living room, etc...

    It's lame---- most people can cut back on areas of their spending to attend a special occasion, but most people just simply don't want to and it's easier to say they can't afford it than to do something as simple as downgrading their satellite TV package to get the $50/mo they need for traveling to a wedding.

    #12 rodent


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      Posted 02 July 2007 - 09:37 AM

      I think the difference is that when you say you are having a destination wedding, people feel like you made the decision for them of how they will spend their money & vacation time. I think thats why they decide not to go. I was terrified to tell people this is what I wanted to do. I was so scared everyone was going to be mad a me. When I called everyone I said "this is what we really want to do, but I understand everyone has limited vacation time & money to spend on travel so I completely understand if you can't make it. We would love having you there, but if it doesn't work out we'll have a DVD & tons of pictures & we can celebrate together when we get back."

      After my long speach to try to avoid them feeling pressured, they would say "I'll definitly be there. Sounds fun, I need a vacation." I was so scared, but the response from everyone was great. Really, I think if I changed my mind now more people would be dissapointed. Maybe people were more understanding because I live in a different state than all my family.

      I still have moments of panic that everyone is mad at me for doing this & just haven't told me yet. So I called my mom and told her to please tell me the truth about how she feels. She said they are excited about Mexico, but worry I'll regret I didn't have a tradional wedding. I can't stand the thought of planning a traditional wedding. I started to plan one just to avoid offending anyone by having a destination wedding. Everytime I worked on it I got sick to my stomach. I'm so glad I didn't go that route. I'm having a great time planning the wedding now!

      No matter what kind of wedding you plan, someone always gets upset. I think some people just enjoy the drama.

      PS. Mikki, I used your travel agent questions yesterday. Thanks!

      #13 SheaS

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        Posted 02 July 2007 - 10:34 AM

        This makes sense.... I thought that maybe he just didn't want to spend his money on our wedding- but rather things for himself. I know he has the money. We offered all of them 500.00 towards the ticket- which is a little less than half. This weekend we had his brother (the one who says he won't make it) help with a concrete patio we are doing so he can "earn" the money to go. The real reason why we asked for his help was so he would use this money for his ticket. Then, I heard Trace talking to him telling him he hopes he uses the money towards the ticket, ans he replied "we'll see". This makas me mad. It obviously is not a big deal to him if he comes. I guess I wouldn't be as hurt anymore if he doesn't make it.

        #14 Heidi

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          Posted 02 July 2007 - 10:37 AM

          my sister, who is my MOH has demanded that I pay for her trip... so yes, I am also having family issues. And trust me, I'm not exactly rolling in the money here - it's pretty much paycheck to paycheck & a demand like that is just crazy... I was REALLY upset, but this wedding is for me & Reggie - whoever wants to come will find a way to make it. I think she will in the end, but she's driving me crazy so far!!
          Married April 4, 2008 at the Riu Ocho Rios!

          #15 Golden

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            Posted 02 July 2007 - 11:00 AM

            If you offer to pay his way or the others then what about their expenese such as food and other fun things to do. Whatever you start you have to continue through out the wedding weekend. People pay for what they think is important to them, not saying your wedding is not important. If they really want to be there and be apart of your day ,then they will make a way. Do not stress about that, becasue it will take all the joy from your wedding. That is one of the cons of during a DW. I prepared my self along with my FI, that his family my not attend due to thier finances and we are cool with that. No matter if you was getting married on dry land somebody will have some issues about atteding your wedding.

            #16 SheaS

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              Posted 02 July 2007 - 11:07 AM

              It is an all-inclusive resort, which most of the activities are included. If he wanted to, he really wouldn't have to spend much during the trip- maybe some tips here and there.... Everything from the plane to transfers and food and drinks are included.

              #17 StephanieMN

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                Posted 02 July 2007 - 12:14 PM

                We are on a very tight budget and it will get worse very soon. We have offered to pay for a 2 bedroom suite for my sisters to stay in (MOH's).
                Our guests do not need to fly that far and I look at is as though we lived in Tahoe and are inviting our MN guest to come to our wedding. I think offering them $500 is very generous of you both. Has anyone else noticed that family is more of a pain then friends?!
                Sorry that you are struggling with this right now==good luck!

                #18 rodent


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                  Posted 02 July 2007 - 12:19 PM

                  Originally Posted by Stephanie 525
                  Has anyone else noticed that family is more of a pain then friends?!
                  Sorry that you are struggling with this right now==good luck!
                  Maybe its because friends don't feel obligated to go so just the friends who really want to will be there.

                  I think if family members are acting like they don't want to be there, just celebrate with them when you get back. I'd feel bad if I had a sibling who really wanted to go, but just didn't have the money. But if they can afford it, but just aren't that interested maybe its better to not have them there.

                  #19 twinkletoes

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                    Posted 05 July 2007 - 04:16 PM

                    I am in the pre-planning stages and I already know there will be family drama when we do decide to send out invites/tell family. My FI has 7 siblings and I have 4. Im glad to see I'm not the only one dealing with family issues. We have issues trying to get everybody together for Thanksgiving!!!

                    I am still trying to decide on a destination partly due to I really want as much of our family there as possible. (For Example: St Thomas vs Jamaica - way more all-inclusive resorts) But then again, I dont want to choose a destination based on this factor and then have people back out, which I know some will. I realize in life, that people do what they want to do when they want to do it. And while I want to take other people's feelings into consideration concerning our wedding, I also want to do what's best for me and my FI. Is that selfish?

                    We're already strapped with the wedding budget and other things in our life, so we can't really afford to help pay for any of our family. We have decided that we will pay for our mothers if need be, everyone else has to find another ATM. lol

                    I'm at the point where if its just me and my FI, I'm good. I will probably be upset in the beginning about the family that act like they cant afford to go, and I know they can make a way. But I figured after the wedding, my new "family" will consist of me and my FI, and our new beginnings. And I will eventually get over it. And the family that decides not to come will have regrets because we will have a great time with or without them! Our wedding will be our special day and I am not letting anyone ruin it or stress me out. There's already enough stress planning :~)
                    2 Hearts, 1 Love 08.08.08Punta Cana, D.R.

                    #20 rodent


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                      Posted 05 July 2007 - 04:45 PM

                      I spent a lot of time thinking about how to avoid family drama before I started planning. So far, I haven't had any. But then, I'm only 2 weeks into planning. These are the things I did to try to make it easy on my guest and hopefully avoid any problems.

                      I chose the cancun area because its the most afforable to get to from Texas. I also picked a less expensive resort that lets kids stay free. I think it will be around $650 for a flight & 3 nights stay. I think that is reasonable for our guests. I checked with our parents before we started planning to see if they were behind us. My parents are really excited about having the wedding in mexico. They go there already every summer. His parents are definitly supportive. I don't know if they are excited about mexico, but they said to do what we want to do. As for the rest of our family, I feel its up to them if they want to go. If our siblings would rather save their money for something else, thats fine with me. After talking to all of them, it sounds like they are excited about the trip and do plan on going. I made sure they knew that we did not expect them to go. I know our grandparents will not be there. We also talked to them about it & they sound fine with celebrating with us afterwards. I plan on making them a memory book and getting together to watch the video.

                      As far as friends, they are really easy. I've told all my friends they can decide if they want to go or not, no pressure or expectations. I am really surprised who says they plan on going. I never would've expected so many people to want to go, but I think a lot are just excited about traveling.

                      I am not planning a wedding reception. I hope this will eliminate the stress of me having to worry that too many people are coming. I want anyone who wants to come to be able to. If my friends want to bring friends or their family I don't want to have to prevent them from doing it because I don't want to pay for their meal that night. I hope it works out not planning an event after the wedding. I'm hoping we can just enjoy what the hotel has to offer.

                      I got a travel agent. I'm giving everyone her contact info & they can just coordinate their trip with her. I hope this way there won't be any stress for me to collect RSVPs & worry about rooms going unused.

                      The main thing I did to accomidate family was planning the wedding for the cancun area. I would've liked to go somewhere I have never been, but Cancun was the cheapest. I was disapointed at first, but then I learned more about the Riviera Maya. Although its right by Cancun, it sounds like a totally different experience. I have found so many activities to do in the area & I'm really excited now about going back to Mexico.

                      I also don't plan on sending out invites to announce the wedding. I worry an invite will make people feel too much pressure to go. Instead, I made a really detailed website with all the information about planning the trip. The first page has a letter explaining why we chose a destination wedding. The rest is filled with info to get people excited about the destination & make their trip planning easy. I hope that by doing it this way we will not run into any negativity. Once I get my date locked in I plan on distributing the web address. I have called everyone close to us & told them what we planned on doing. We will send out an invite once we have the post wedding party planned inviting them to that.

                      I feel like a lot of family members are happy we are doing this. Its like I'm planning the family vacation for them. My friends have always talked about taking a big vacation together. Now we are finally going to do it. Someone posted that after the wedding someone thanked her for the most fun vacation they have ever been on. After reading that I knew I had to go through with this plan even if I'm worried some people might get upset.

                      Sorry this was so long!

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