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What would you do?


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#1 jk1101

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    Posted 13 October 2009 - 10:43 AM

    Ok here's the background story.
    I worked at my last job for almost 5 years.

    Another girl, I'll call her M started about a month after I did and we became BFF almost immediately. Smoking buddies, lunch, phone calls...people reversed our names...you could even call her my work wife. we hung out on weekends - I went to her house for Xmas the whole thing.

    Fast forward 3 years of great firendship and then a really horrific breakup with a boyfriend. She and my other BFF went after him in a show of friendship that still amazes me.
    I got sick and was out of work for 3 months, came back for 2 and then out for 3. The whole time I was out I didn't really hear from her...it was a little awkward when I came back in the middle..didn't hear from her again and then when I came back, she was 6 months pregnant and it was all about the baby. She'd also been semi-promoted. Now I was out for an unusual illness that I thought may have made her uncomfortable so I kind of forgave her not calling me. At the end of the year she was up for a promotion that would have made her my boss. She didn't get it and then she went out on her own leave for 2 months. When she came back things were the same, but different. She was a half a level higher than me and kept talking about all the things she'd done for the team, but I knew she hadn't, as i'd been there the whole time with her. She also stopped smoking (understandable) having lunch with me and was generally to busy to talk to me without making an appointment.
    She made a huge deal about the situation with my ex as her reason to be my best friend and how she had to approve of any new men in my life, but we didn't socialize at all anymore.

    When I met FI he came to the office and we did stop by her desk to meet him, where she pronounced him fit to date. She was in my initial group text engagement announcement and on my initial list of invitees to the wedding, as we still saw and spoke to each other every day.

    In March I lost my job and it was devastating. I also learned who my true friends were. M was not one of them. After several weeks, I never heard from her again. She'd respond to my emails with one word. In June I texted her on her Bday and she texted me back and that was it - yet in July told another colleague that she'd spoken to me about an open job at our company.


    in September I heard from her office mate who asked about my wedding planning, and I told her it was pretty much finished and that I was just waiting to see who could come and mentioned the car I'd just gotten. 5 minutes later I had a text from M saying Happy Early Birthday - heard you're rocking a Mustang now.



    Yesterday I got a lead on a job from a mutual coworker who also asked about wedding planning and I just said i was finished - an hour later I had an email saying we hadn't talked in forever and hows everything, hows FI and the kitties and the wedding planning and did I know they were still using the presentations I created? Signed it "Talk Soon ( I hope)

    So now I wonder and ask your advice:

    This person left my life in not one but in 2 very difficult situations when she claimed to be my best friend. I feel like she is only emailing me now to find out if she is still invited to the wedding (she's not - and yes she did recieve a STD but I sent those out in March and the invitations in October and she doesn't have access to the website anymore).
    So part of me thinks it's best to ignore her because the biggest insult is silence.
    But the other part of me wants to write her back and just ask her where she's been. she only lives 15 minutes from me and had half the summer off.

    The other thing is that she may be getting laid off as well. They will be announcing at the end of the month the third round in the department so she may be looking for leads...a lot of people have been popping up these days.

    So sorry so long but you ladies always give great advice!

    #2 tata2

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      Posted 13 October 2009 - 01:31 PM

      Hmm... sounds familiar in my life also. I would let her go. Life is to short to let self absorbed people get the better of you. When you really needed a friend she was not there for you. You are happy now and moved on let her move on too!
      I have a very,very small circle of friends but I know I can count on them, good,bad,happy or sad.
      take care of you

      #3 bholthof

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        Posted 13 October 2009 - 01:33 PM

        Honestly, I think it really depends on what you WANT to do. If you still want her in your life, then maybe you should email and ask where she's been - and put it all on the table. Let her know how you're feeling and thinking. It could be that she's just been super caught up in all her own stuff that she hasn't had a lot of time or energy to concentrate on anything else - you mentioned she was preggers, so I'm sure a new baby is taking up a lot of her time as well. Perhaps she feels uncomfortable talking with you about things like the baby - specially if you don't have children. And perhaps she was a lot busier than you thought she was with the semi-promotion, and she jsut didn't have time at work for anything except work.

        I don't know how much you tried to keep up contact with her, or how much you tried to make converstion and it failed, but maybe she feels like you haven't been a great friend to her either - although we like to hope our friends are always going to make the time of day for us, sometimes it just doesn't happen, and people grow apart.

        The only way to actually find out is for you guys to sit down and really talk about it. And if, at the end of the conversation there is still a gulf between you, then maybe that friendship is over and its time to move on. The best way to find that out is to actually have a conversation with the girl, though. And maybe she still won't be invited to your wedding, but at least you might still be able to lean on each other if you need to. I mean, you mention that she only lives 15 minutes away, but did you try to get together with her, too?

        On the other hand, if you don't want her around anymore then maybe silence is the best policy. But it really depends on what you feel about the situation. And she might just be hoping for an excuse for a vacation - in which case you still need to decide how you feel about her as a friend.

        Sorry for the long post! I like to believe the best of people, and I struggle with similar situations - friends who come out of the woodwork hoping for a wedding invite.
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        #4 flbluiiis

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          Posted 13 October 2009 - 01:45 PM

          I would say you should ask her to get together for lunch or coffee or something. If she makes the time to do that then great, you two can talk about why she fell off the face of the earth. If she doesn't make time, then you have your answer.

          Good luck. Those situations are never fun! Keep us updated :)

          #5 SuzyQ76

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            Posted 13 October 2009 - 01:59 PM

            Oh Michele,
            This is an awful story, and I can identify with some aspects!

            I'm not one for being silent ;o) so I'd probably tell her exactly how you feel about her now, and exactly how you felt about her when she deserted you. That's basically what she did in your time of need, and that's why we have friends - so that we can lean on them when needed. I would keep her NOT invited to your wedding - but that's my mother's stubborn nature coming out!
            It took me a long time to realize who my real friends are versus who I was a really good friend to, with no reciprocation. I always gave 150% and only ever received 20% if that - it took my FI really opening my eyes. I don't waste my time on part-time friends anymore, my time is too precious, I'm too precious and so are you. :o)
            Your wedding is supposed to be Family and good friends in the present, not those you used to be good friends with. I have NO PATIENCE for those who saunter back into your life when it suits their schedule. Friends should be there when you need them, especially if you've been going through medical problems and a breakup and a job loss. I know I am a little cynical, but this story lies close to my heart and as you can see I'm still a little bitter...
            I have friends I haven't seen physically for years, but I talk to them on the phone once a week and we email all the time, they received a wedding invite!
            Do definitely what's in your heart, but remember when using your heart you tend to get hurt, and some of my biggest heartbreaks in my life were from those I thought were true friends.
            You need to do what's best for you, and you should be able to rely on your friends at all times. I hope it works out whatever your decision is!
            Wow, I feel like chocolate cake now, lol, that was a good therapy session!
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            #6 jk1101

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              Posted 13 October 2009 - 02:16 PM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by bholthof
              Honestly, I think it really depends on what you WANT to do. If you still want her in your life, then maybe you should email and ask where she's been - and put it all on the table. Let her know how you're feeling and thinking. It could be that she's just been super caught up in all her own stuff that she hasn't had a lot of time or energy to concentrate on anything else - you mentioned she was preggers, so I'm sure a new baby is taking up a lot of her time as well. Perhaps she feels uncomfortable talking with you about things like the baby - specially if you don't have children. And perhaps she was a lot busier than you thought she was with the semi-promotion, and she jsut didn't have time at work for anything except work.

              I don't know how much you tried to keep up contact with her, or how much you tried to make converstion and it failed, but maybe she feels like you haven't been a great friend to her either - although we like to hope our friends are always going to make the time of day for us, sometimes it just doesn't happen, and people grow apart.

              The only way to actually find out is for you guys to sit down and really talk about it. And if, at the end of the conversation there is still a gulf between you, then maybe that friendship is over and its time to move on. The best way to find that out is to actually have a conversation with the girl, though. And maybe she still won't be invited to your wedding, but at least you might still be able to lean on each other if you need to. I mean, you mention that she only lives 15 minutes away, but did you try to get together with her, too?

              On the other hand, if you don't want her around anymore then maybe silence is the best policy. But it really depends on what you feel about the situation. And she might just be hoping for an excuse for a vacation - in which case you still need to decide how you feel about her as a friend.

              Sorry for the long post! I like to believe the best of people, and I struggle with similar situations - friends who come out of the woodwork hoping for a wedding invite.
              Before the situation with my ex - she was an awesome friend, but to me, when the chips are down, you need to be able to count on your friends and she was nowhere to be found. When I was out sick I never heard from her and I heard from all of my other friends, all of whom work and some of whom are also parents. I gave her the benefit of the doubt on that one because of the nature of my illness.

              But when I lost my job...all of my friends were really there for me, by phone, by email, even text...just checking in...it was really devastating...she knew that too...that job was pretty much my life for most of the time I was there...I thought I would work there till I retired. She actually had information that could have helped me get a new job at the same company and chose not to share it...and lied to people about speaking with me...
              I think I miss the friend she used to be before anything went wrong...maybe dealing with other people's issues is too much for some people.

              Like tata2 said, I don't have a huge amount of friends, but the ones I do have I know I can count on for anything, and they know they can count on me.

              #7 shellk

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                Posted 13 October 2009 - 03:09 PM

                i think you should follow your gut instinct.i would stay chatty friends with her but keep her at arms length.dont give her the opportunity to drop you again you obviously dont need her anymore.

                #8 Melidell

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                  Posted 13 October 2009 - 03:24 PM

                  I think I would cut her loose, honestly. If it was just a question of falling in and out of touch occasionally with each other, I wouldn't call it a big deal, but it sounds like she wasn't there for you when you really needed her. I also don't like the fact that she potentially screwed you out of a job by her actions- something she must have known was wrong because she was embarrassed enough to lie about it to other people. Sadly some friends do come and go. You guys were great friends at a point in your life when you had a lot in common, but for whatever reason when that changed she wasn't able to keep it going. So, I would absolutely not extend her the courtesy of helping her with your friendship now that she needs it because when the tables are turned, you know she won't do it for you. I don't even truly see the need to have it out with her or talk to her about it if you don't want to- just don't respond, or answer her briefly but politely when she messages you and she'll get the message.
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                  #9 ChelseaRose

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                    Posted 13 October 2009 - 03:31 PM

                    It doesn't sound like she was there for you when you really needed her, and she's not the person she was when you two were really close. I'd say it is up to what you want out of the friendship. You can either lay all your cards on the table - honest is the best policy, or let sleeping dogs lie and walk away without any regrets. The choice is yours, but I wouldn't count on her in a pinch!!

                    #10 bride2b10

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                      Posted 13 October 2009 - 03:39 PM

                      She wasn't there when you needed her on several occasions. As a friend she should have been there through the breakup, through the time when you were out, and when you were looking for a job. The fact that she kept information from you and actually lied to people about talking to you...to me that's not a friend and not worth your effort. I have similar "friends" but at the end, life is too short to waste your time on people like that imo.
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