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Who knew something so little could hurt so much?

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25 replies to this topic

#11 ebredhawk

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    Posted 07 October 2009 - 03:17 PM

    stephanie, i am SOO sorry to hear that you are going through this. i have been in a similar situation and i hope i can offer some insight...

    my FI has a daugther who is 6 and every once in a while she will slip up and call me "mom" and of course i correct her. she went on to tell me that, in her mind, i'm her mom when she's at our house, and her real mom is her mom when she's there. while that is 100% not true, i totally got where she was coming from. "mom" to her and at her age means more "female adult" than it does what we see it as.. the person who gave you life, etc. it was interesting to see her mind working through things, but i have been trying to explain to her what the difference between mom and stepmom are.

    my mom told me once to stop trying to give FI's daughter the mental capacity of an adult when it comes to things like this. kid's don't always understand the situation the way we do or express themselves the way we think they should. i know it is nearly impossible not to take what they said personally, but i am certain your boys didn't mean it that way.

    if this is any consolation, your sons could just be trying to work through what it means and who this lady is to them now that their dad has remarried.

    i also think it is fantastic that you have a good enough relationship with your ex that you can sit down and have a civil discussion about these things though. i can't imagine how helpful that has been for your kids through everything!

    good luck with this whole situation.. i will certainly be thinking good thoughts for you that you get it straightened out and find peace with everything!

    #12 shellk

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      Posted 07 October 2009 - 03:28 PM

      first of all great siggy pick of them.coming from a broken family i feel your pain.i would,nt question anyone about it it will only cause more pain/arguements let it take the natural course.the boys know and will never forget who their mummy is and will never love anyone like their mummy.it will hurt for a while but it will get easier.keep smiling.

      #13 ChelseaRose

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        Posted 07 October 2009 - 03:37 PM

        Steph - I am not going to try to say I know how you feel, but what I can tell by your posts here is that you and your ex have a relationship that still holds your children as the number one priority. You have mutual respect for each others thoughts and feelings. I think that's something incredible that many couples who split don't have. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering and hope things look up for you!

        #14 ~*Lisa*~

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          Posted 07 October 2009 - 03:53 PM

          awww Steph I feel for you! I can't say that I know how you feel, but I feel the pain when I read your post. It just broke my heart because I know that's exactly how I would feel. Things will get worked out in the end. I'm glad to hear that you and the ex can at least talk about it and agree - that's great! Anyway, I hope you feel better soon!

          #15 Jess

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            Posted 07 October 2009 - 04:15 PM

            aww Steph I am so sorry...I don't have kids but I know that would hurt me a lot as well. **HUGS**

            #16 ACDCDCAC

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            Posted 07 October 2009 - 04:33 PM

            oh steph, that had to be so rough im glad you could chat with the ex about it tho, it is amazing when 2 parents can get along even if its only for the kids sake! it really helps.

            here is some insight from the other side :) i myself am a Smom, Smother, Smadre, aka bonus mom, step-mom, oops-i-slipped-and-called-you-mom :) and while dougs kids call me all of the above, they know in their heart who is their mommy, and who is their Abbie, if that makes sense! another thing that happens is doug will accidentally call me Nicole! oops, now that one is usually when he is mad or frustrated at me haha

            but seriously, the kids will call me abbie almost always, unless they want something, then its the silly version of mom, madre, mother, etc until i cave. when they call me these forms of "mom" i know they dont mean "hey you, im confused as to who loves me more" they mean "hey you, im so glad you love me as much as my mom does so sometimes the word i call you sounds the same". hope that rambling makes sense!

            dont stress any more over it, you know your kids unconditionally love you and always will, while their step-mom will ALWAYS have to fight for their love, thats just how it is :)


            #17 SusieQ

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              Posted 07 October 2009 - 04:36 PM

              Oh Steph bigs hugs going your way... When I first met my FI his daughter was 9 and she started telling people that I was her mom... My Stephanie, her mom has several mental health issues and has not been in her life much for the past 8 years. I have been the only mother figure in her life and she has lived with me for 4 years. I Immediately sat her down and explained, I was flattered that is how close she felt to me and that I love her like a daugther, however she still has a mother. I told her then it was easy to pretend that life was all perfect and that she had just this good whole happy family. I told her life isn't perfect and we have to remember everyone else around us doesn't have that perfect life either.
              Over the past four years we have had moments when I have been Mom (she would probably call me the 8itch) and there has been times when I have been just Sue and I am sure she was just happy that is all I was and she could talk to me.
              I guess the point I am making is sometimes people try to paint the mom, dad kids and the white picket fence and that really isn't the majority of the families out there.
              Steph you're their mom and no one can take that from you..... And she should not accept the label as mom either. "That comes from birth"

              #18 **~Linda~**

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                Posted 07 October 2009 - 04:47 PM

                So sorry to hear that. As a mom and coming into my second marriage I completely understand where your coming from. I completely agree with the fact that it sounds like you and your ex have a really good relationship and believe me that will completely help a lot. My son speaks both English and spanish. He calls his father "papito, or papi or papa" and he calls FI "dad or daddy stephen". The first time I ever heard that it kinda really took me by surprise i had a huge mix of emotions, mostly because all that ran through my thoughts was how i would feel if he were ever to call ex's wife mom.

                I agree with the above poster as well, I think that sometimes they just get confused with the role and its not them saying "mom or dad" per say its just them putting a name on the figure(i hope that makes sense). Kids know in their heart who mom is and that will never change =) HTH

                Big hugs sent your way!

                #19 damaris

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                  Posted 07 October 2009 - 05:05 PM

                  I totally feel your pain. I'm a mom and would be devastated.
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                  #20 Destination Scout

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                    Posted 07 October 2009 - 05:23 PM

                    Aww Steph. It would break my heart if I heard my children call someone else mom. I'm so sorry. I would be especially hurt if they called her that and I knew she didn't treat them well. I'm glad your ex was understanding and I hope the problem cures itself. Hugs!

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