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FI parents don't know we're engaged.

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I found out last night that my FI hasn't told his parents that we were engaged becuase they told him that they would disown him if he married me. The other week he told them that we were going to go see them in november and his dad told him there would be no need to come back with your gf. His father told him that he can come back by himself and find another gf there. They got into it obviously after that and since then he had been acting really weird. Telling me that I should get to know his parents better and that I should make more effort into this relationship. Come to find out that he's just so pissed at his parents that he was putting it on me.

 

Background: I'm Korean and they don't like the fact that our cultures aren't the same.

 

Kicker: He's CHINESE!!! It's not like a world of a difference between the Korean culture and the chinese culture. Not a race issue a culture difference.

 

So the one thing that I can't change about myself they have a problem with. They always agree that I'm a good person and that I'm a professional so everything is great other than the fact that I'm korean.

 

Super depressed and frankly very angry...

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Oh wow so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Its incredible that they are willing to lose there son over a culture difference. Stay strong and the most important thing is that you and FI stick this out together.

 

Wish you the best...keep us posted!

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Ugh.

 

I guess the bright side of all of this is that FI wants to marry you regardless of what the parents say or think. I think he needs to step up and stand up for you though. Depending on how he grew up that may be more difficult than it sounds-but in the long run it's going to have to happen at some point. You're walking a fine line, on one hand you don't want to force him to do anything in a way that makes him resent you. But, on the other hand you don't want to give him the idea that it's ok to hide your relationship and give in to his parents when they disapprove. This creates a whole mess down the road, especially if you start a family.

 

Good luck, and no matter what keep the communication between you and FI going-in the end it's the relationship the two of you have that matters most.

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Wow, I sympathize with your situation--you will find others on here who have experienced similar situations with their families due to the cultural, racial or religious differences of their FI. But at the end of the day you are both adults and your decision to be together is yours alone to make. If they can't see past your cultural differences then it is their loss. I hope you and your FI can manage to move ahead despite his family.

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I am definitley walking a fine line. I'm trying so hard not to say anything to him because I don't want him to feel that I don't understand his position. He doesn't want to be thrown out of the family and I completely understand that. He's a very good person and he basically wants everyone to be happy. I told him from day one that we would get approval out of respect for his parents but 5 yrs past and he wanted to propose I guess. I never pushed him to get married or anything but since I moved back home he wanted to make sure that I knew he was committed. That's what we discussed last night. I love him to death and really we're very happy with each other but I just hate that the family has to be so involved. My parents don't know that his parents don't approve, my parents would have a fit and tell me they don't approve just becuase his parents don't. Both our parents are very proud of us and they just won't tolerate anyone not accepting either one of us. Its' very difficult. We really do respect our parents opinions and love them very much.

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Why does he think YOU should have to put more of an effort in with the parents. These are his parents, therefore, his mess to clean up. If you have done nothing wrong, then it is up to him to tell his parents that you will be his wife soon and that they need to apoligise to you and welcome you to the family. They are in the wrong, not you. You havent disrespeceted them in any way. You can make the first effort if you want, but frankly I think this is between him and them to make right.

Best wishes!

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Oh My Gosh that his horrible!!!!! In my opinion anyone that would DISOWN their child over something like this is going to be very hard to win over. I would let your FI man up and have that conversation with his parents, and just be as paitent and respectful as you can. Hopefully they will come around. I am so sorry you're going through this sad.gif

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