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FMIL trying to stop wedding!

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#31 Vikki

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    Posted 04 September 2009 - 07:49 AM

    I might take some heat for this but I think you're right to question everything. As a wife you should be respected, defended, loved, taken care of and treated as an equal. If his behavior in these situations is anything less you have to ask why, and can I expect this to change? If you expect it to change what do you think will cause that? If you don't expect it to change are you ok with that?

    What about if/when you have a family? How are you and FI going to address boundaries? You don't want to end up being the bad guy but if FI can't or won't stand up to them and turns into a negative person when they're around are you ok with that after you have a family of your own.

    As for the 4 days before the ceremony I think you should probably let that go but the 3 days after are your honeymoon....and nobody should be around for that. Maybe your parents can run interference? Beaches has other resorts in Jamaica-could you transfer to one of those for the remaining part of your stay? Any cost would be worth those 3 days of your privacy. Don't let the FI's family know.

    For what it's worth the fact that FI will attend counseling with you is AWESOME and it sounds like that will probably be the way you two can work through this. FI sounds like a great guy in a tough situation, that fact that he's been through so much with you speaks volumes about how much he loves you.

    #32 Emily&Matt

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      Posted 04 September 2009 - 08:42 AM

      I hope your husband-to-be can leave his son-of-mother-and-father role behind him when he gets married. His parents are obviously controllers and they control him. They are losing control to you and that's why they hate you. You are gaining "control" over THEIR son. They think they own him. This is all about his relationship with them and only he can handle it. Things will never be the same for him & his parents. If he could realize this right now, it would help him see that he has to go forward with his wife and leave his parents behind. Try to help not have to think he is "choosing" between you and them. He is a man and is married a woman. It's his life. They don't OWN him.

      #33 Emily&Matt

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        Posted 04 September 2009 - 08:45 AM

        Originally Posted by sherric80
        The inlaws (outlaws lol) called the travel agent & made reservations to come to the wedding. They plan on staying at week! And then they decided that they should plan a rehearsal dinner without consulting me. My FI thinks that they are trying to be nice & show support & I think they are ignoring our request that they not attend the wedding. They have done this before. When we ask them not to do something they do it anyway no matter what anyone else's feelings are.

        I went to our counselor to try & sort out my feelings & he thinks that all will end in disaster if the inlaws stay a week. We have never even survived a weekend with them & now somehow we have to survive 4 days before the wedding & 3 after. They have already said they plan on spending every second they can with us. We said that we have things planned & will be spending time with other guests so they said they will just tag along. I think I am going to have a mental breakdown, or maybe already have. What a nightmare! I know without any doubt that our relationship will not survive a week with them. I don't know if we will survive the 4 days before the wedding. My FI becomes a different person around them. He is negative, lashes out, blames everyone for stuff, & completely reverts back into a carbon copy of his parents. When he is away from them & hasn't talked with them he is the complete opposite. He is very positive, caring, always trying to help others. It is like watching Jackyl & Hyde sometimes.

        As for the question about moving far away after the wedding - we already live over 1000miles apart!! You would think with all that distance we wouldn't be having so much trouble! We have an appointment with our councelor on Tuesday to see if he can make my FI realize we need BOUNDRIES! That are strictly enforced. OMG I feel like I am marrying 3 people instead of 1.

        Jo&Daz 20-10-2010 - Please tell your mother thank you so much for her kind words & wisdom. She is a much stronger person than I at the moment. I am having a hard time with my FI continuing a relationship with his parents because of the way they treat me. I feel like he is telling them it is ok & he will still see them no matter how mean they are to me. I am struggling very hard with my feelings on that.
        OH, please consider long and hard what you are getting into. This is a huge red flag for your future. He is going to see them no matter how mean they are to you? He is putting them ahead of you and no matter how long you are married it will get worse. Already your wedding planning is going from bad to worse. Please be careful and get good advice from people you love and trust if you should marry this man.

        #34 Lady_Di

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          Posted 04 September 2009 - 10:14 AM

          Originally Posted by Emily&Matt
          OH, please consider long and hard what you are getting into. This is a huge red flag for your future. He is going to see them no matter how mean they are to you? He is putting them ahead of you and no matter how long you are married it will get worse. Already your wedding planning is going from bad to worse. Please be careful and get good advice from people you love and trust if you should marry this man.
          Yeah, you don't want to be miserable rest of your life and I don't know if love is worth it being miserable. you need to let your guy know that you won't take it and that he needs to be on your side, regardless. If he can't be on your side, then re-consider marrying him.

          #35 LadyTrunck

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            Posted 10 September 2009 - 07:03 PM

            I really feel for you. I love that he is willing to go through counseling and mediation, but hearing that he is just like them when they are around--- that sounds horrible!!!

            I really hope it works out, keep us posted. Best!!
            Married to my BEST FRIEND!
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            #36 mrsgtobe

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              Posted 10 September 2009 - 07:07 PM

              Sorry to hear about the horrible situations with FFIL & FMIL....hopefully mediation takes care of it and ends whatever issues they have! Good luck, I'll keep you in my thoughts!!

              September Siggy Challengehttp://i103.photobuc....llyJericho.jpgOYE! My head! Man, we really need to lay off the catnip!

              #37 brandynd

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                Posted 12 September 2009 - 10:39 PM

                Oh honey I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through! MIL's are a tough crowd, and I think you take the cake on the worst I've heard of. FI is trying to stand beside you on everything it seems, which is really good of him! Maybe he acts differently when he's around his parents due to stress and irritation. I don't think it's a conscious change he's making. Have you talked to him about the way he behaves in their presence?
                The only piece of advise I have that might be of any use to you is to NOT make him feel like he has to choose between you and momma. That's a horrible place to put him in, and it will put him on the defensive.....trust me on this one, I've been there. It is possible for him to have a relationship with mom without you having to deal with her...as long as you're clear on your feelings about her, but make it known that you have nothing against him keeping in touch with his mom you should be fine.
                I hope that everything gets better for you! You've been put in a position that nobody should have to experience, and that's not fair. I hope you have plenty of supportive friends and family around to help you get through this. Stay strong hun, if they don't get a rise out of you, the thrill of their cruelty will go away.
                I'll be praying for you!
                There is no better gift that can be given than the gift of ones self.

                #38 sherric80

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                  Posted 17 September 2009 - 11:51 PM

                  Things have been so crazy that I haven't even had time to think about the wedding! And it is in 2 weeks!
                  The outlaws (that is what I am calling them now) decided to cancel their trip, blame my FI, have a mental meltdown, act like total drama queens, exagerate their state of health by saying the mom may need to go to the hospital because of stress, refuse to talk or give updates on situation, and now are back to possibily going & acting as though nothing happened! If anyone is going to need medical attention it is going to be me when I check into a mental ward!!!
                  Luckily FI has come around & is addressing his parents behavior & telling them if they can't be happy & keep their crap together for the ceremony then not to come. We have both had enough of all the stress the outlaws are causing. What a rollercoaster ride we have been on lately!
                  Now, I am trying to get all my last minute stuff together because we leave for Jamaica next Saturday the 26th! Yea! Wish me luck ladies! I will let you all know how it turns out. I am trying not to worry about the outlaws behavior but it is so hard. You want your wedding day to be perfect & everyone to be happy for you. Hopefully it will all turn out to be great & no bad behavior by anyone! I am definately asking for some help from above!

                  #39 Jennybell1

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                    Posted 18 September 2009 - 12:17 PM

                    OMG! I can't believe it...I dont even know what to tell you, but I really hope the ladies on here can maybe give you some great advice. I really hope this isnt the begining of a long horrible relationship with them....I wish you all the best and really hope they come around!!

                    #40 super19

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                      Posted 18 September 2009 - 12:58 PM

                      Wow, you have had a ton going on. I'm sending great vibes your way and wishing you the very best wedding and honeymoon!

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