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Is FI out of line?(long)


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#1 big3n09

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    Posted 11 August 2009 - 09:07 PM

    I can't remember if when we first started planning we siad we were not going to have a bridal party or our first conversation consisted of him and 10 of his friends and I was opposed to that idea. Anyway we have been back and forth about having a bridal party or not. About a month or so ago we discussed it again and at the end of the conversation it was we're not having one. Yesterday I asked could I at least have my sisterand I never wanted more than 3, 4 at the most. We have been going back and forth all yesterday and today about it and he is now being very very adamant about not having anyone in the wedding but us. This is what he said: It's about us and nobody needs to share in that moment but us, you can't share everything with your sister, you want somethings for your sister that are not for her and that maybe she doesn't even want, I don't want anyone else to walk down the aisle, I don't wan't to look over your shoulder and see anyone, what will we have that is sacred for just us other than the ceremony because it's more important than the honeymoon. WTH!!! Where did all that come from and I neede to justify why I want her in the ceremony. Now I do agree with some of those things and was willing to compromise like have her sit during the ceremony or even enter from the side but he is acting like it's either me or her. Now IMHO I think it's something other than what he is saying like he doesn't want to choose between all his friends or did him and my sister have a conversation that left a bad taste in his mouth or what. As far as I know they have always gotten along and no bad vibes were between them. Now I don't know what the heck is going on and it is pissing me off that he is acting so adamant about it. I think my sister wants to be in it and she will probably get on my nerves some but I love her the same regardless so I want her to be in it. I also thinks she has been even dealing with the fact that she is loosing me to a certain degree and that I'm her little sister but that still doesn't change how I feel about her being in the ceremony. I feel like he is really trying to make or prove a point and this is not the time or way to go about doing that. I had a friend that just lost her sister, which I can't imagine and then think about not letting my sister be a part of this special day in my ceremony and it means a lot to both of us, that hurts. I know she would understand if I told her we decided not to have a bridal party but how would she really feel inside and how am I going to feel that day about not going with something I wanted. I now me and FI decisions are priority and it is ALL about us but what is this really about is he out of line or what.
    4/1/11 in St. Kitts at the Marriott I married my best-friend!!!

    #2 Kat81

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      Posted 11 August 2009 - 09:22 PM

      Hmm well if you guys decided to not have anyone in the wedding and all of a sudden you want someone in the wedding maybe he is just trying to stick to the plan. He probably doesn't have anything against your sister. I know me personally, once a plan is in place I hate it when it changes because I get set in my thinking with that plan. Maybe you could have your sister read a poem or something to include her.

      #3 Kristin_And_Stewart

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        Posted 11 August 2009 - 09:24 PM

        Hmmm...thats an interesting situation. I know i'm personally not having a bridal party. But that was both of our choices. And more me not wanting to choose between friends and siblings.

        But if you want your sister there i feel there should be some sort of compromise. I can understand a lot of what your FI is saying. It being your day and all, but because its YOUR day...you should be able to run it how you see fit. If he doesn't want to choose a friend, maybe he doesn't have to. Your sister could always walk down the isle solo. Its a tough situation, but i don't feel you're i the wrong at all. Just talk to him, i'm sure you'll work something out that makes both of you happy.
        Good luck hun!

        #4 itsfinallyhere

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          Posted 11 August 2009 - 09:53 PM

          I do not think you are being unreasonable, but for some reason he is. I would broach the subject again in a little while. There may possibly be something else that is bothering him.

          He could also not understand how close you two are. I know my FI has the exact opposite realationship with his family, than I do with mine.

          Good Luck I hope everything works out the way you want.

          #5 Jo 2010

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            Posted 11 August 2009 - 09:56 PM

            hmm, thats a really difficult situation.

            Seems like there was so much back and forth, that your FI is more annoyed about this coming up again, then anything to do with your sister. I think he is more frustrated by the fact that he thought this was sorted and issue closed and now you want to open it again.

            He has made some very sweet points about the two of you in the ceremony. I think you need to think about why you want your sister to be a bridesmaid - what is it about that role/position that makes you want her in it -

            -is it the status (she is then a member of importance in the bridal party, you are recognising how special she is in your life by going out of your way to include her in your special day) - if this is it, then having her do a reading could be a really good compromise. It makes her a special part of your ceremony.

            -is it the support that you get from having her with you (all women get nervous, not necessarly about the 'marriage/cold feet' but definately about everything going smoothly, or being up there in front of everyone - if support is the reason you want your sister to be bridesmaid, then maybe thats the way you need to talk about it with your FI.

            I think it will be easier for you to consider a compromise if you know the reason why you want her as BM.

            #6 tdmitchell

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              Posted 11 August 2009 - 10:13 PM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by Jo&Daz 20-10-2010
              hmm, thats a really difficult situation.

              Seems like there was so much back and forth, that your FI is more annoyed about this coming up again, then anything to do with your sister. I think he is more frustrated by the fact that he thought this was sorted and issue closed and now you want to open it again.
              I agree with this paragraph. I know Joe gets tired of me and frustrated when I bring up the same situation over and over after we already agreed.

              #7 YaelM

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                Posted 11 August 2009 - 10:22 PM

                I personally think if its important for you to have your sister in your bridal party then she should be :) Like you mentioned she can sit down after she walks down the aisle (thats what our bridal party did) but it sounds like it would mean a lot to you to have her as a MOH

                Good luck!

                #8 Ms325i

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                  Posted 12 August 2009 - 09:39 AM

                  I can appreciate how your FI feels about it just being about the two of you at the ceremony. But I ultimately think this is a good test of compromising. Jo&Daz 20-10-2010 presented some excellent points:why do you want your sister in the wedding? Is it out of obligation because she is your sister? Is there some other way she can be involved other than as a bridesmaid? Reading a poem or preparing a special speech? Having some coordination responsibilities etc. Good luck & keep us posted.

                  #9 MrsSparrow2B

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                    Posted 16 August 2009 - 08:48 PM

                    You could maybe point out that you need someone to hold your bouquet while at the altar! Maybe she could just be there at the side for you, she doesn't have to walk down the aisle - organise the job of BM to suit the pair of you. If it's important to you then talk about it, you dont want to regret any part of your day. And make sure you're happy with the final outcome so that when it all happens you can smile and be happy, no matter how the two of you resolve the issue.
                    ~~~~~
                    Lyndsey

                    #10 big3n09

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                      Posted 18 August 2009 - 12:22 AM

                      Sorry I didn't up date you all but we talked and he didn't like the fact that I kept changing my mind and bringing it up. So we talked it out and I explained how I felt about it and he understood so she is in and I will not be bringing it up again. Now I just need to decide how I want her to do her part cause he doesn't want a best man so I will just have her enter before me and fix my train she can be seated after that. I may have her hold my bouquet or figure out something else. Thank you all for the advice and listening to me rant!!! Happy Planning!
                      4/1/11 in St. Kitts at the Marriott I married my best-friend!!!




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