Am I being the psycho new wife?

[deleted]

I'm sure I would be feeling the same way. Hopefully you can have a good, long, honest talk tonight.

 

I would recommend two things:

 

1. Don't take about yourself using terms like crazy, psycho, etc. You are not crazy or psycho! I think women do this a lot, I know I do it, but I really think negative self talk over time tends to seep in ("maybe I really am crazy...."). See if you can have any entire conversation without calling yourself names!

 

2. It would probably good to start learning how to communicate better when things are bugging you, and not to let things bottle up. It's not fair to you and your feelings, or to your hubby, who may as well think everything is fine until you explode. That's really not healthy for anyone. So I know it's hard, but commit yourself to getting better about this, and you may just stop feeling crazy, psycho..and more healthy and loved!

[JOSIE]

I definitely don't think you're crazy and infact I think it would be hard for ANY wife not to feel a twang of jealously OR MORE based on what you said. And knowing you've expressed yourself before about her looks, etc and him THEN making you wait another 45minutes would tick anyone off. Keep us posted on how your chat goes and remember that you'll only feel less panicky about confrontation them more experience you have with it! Good Luck!

[amandseth]

I say trust your instincts. We tend to forget to listen to our 'sixth sense' sometimes, and I believe its likely the most perceptive one.

 

Its certainly a personal thing as to where each womans boundaries are in terms of expectations in a relationship when it comes to involvement with other men/women. But I think that if you are having negative feelings about the situation, then it is valid and obviously there is stuff going on that you are not comfortable with. I agree with Janet, cut out the negative self talk! You are valuable and your feelings should be recognized and validated! Express that to him and ask him to consider how he'd feel if the roles were reversed. If he respects your level of comfort and need to feel secure in the relationship, he'll drop her. Or at least be conscious of his behaviour and more aware of what he can do to prevent you from feeling this way (ie. doing the breathing with you instead, not keeping you waiting etc).

 

I think nicmicj's advice to write down what you want to say is great advice as well. It always helps me to sort out my feelings a bit before entering a serious conversation.

[BlissfulMsMiranda]

You ladies really are the best ... I feel so loved, thank-you all.

 

I will try my best to cut the negative crap ... I tend to do that a lot (I blame myself for most situations too *sigh).

 

I will definitely take nicmicj's advice and write a few things down ... it might also help us work out where this stems from, as I said I have no reason to be scared of him cheating, and I know that.

 

I want to bring up the role reversal, but I'm afraid it will backfire; I'm in a VERY male-dominated industry (I work for a men's magazine as an editor and I'm an auto journalist so I test drive cars, attend drive events, go on business trips, and I'm usually the ONLY woman on any of the events). So, I have a feeling if I asked him how he'd feel if it were me ... he'd say he feels that all the time... and then I'd feel bad about feeling the way I do.

 

I'm just a big pushover and I tend to let myself get stepped on and overlooked if it will mean someone else is going to be happy ... especially when it comes to my husband. Now, this might not always be a good thing ... and I think this might be the one and only time in our entire 9 years together that I'm going to "object" to something he's doing ... and it's scary.

[JOSIE]

I totally understand how you're feeling. Its so scary to "object" but as long as you go about it in the right way, I don't think he'll feel too defensive. Even though you work in a male dominated environment, I'd assume this does not involve private massages and intimate breathing techniques, and 1 on 1 alone time constantly.......whole different ballgame!

 

I think women tend to over-think themselves and start analyzing how their feelings are going to be interpreted when they're expressed. I do this all the time with FI and often times I build myself up for days to have a "talk" with him, and the end result is him being totally non-chalant and agreeable with me and sometimes even apologetic, but most times way more understanding and less defensive than i thought he'd be.

 

I think its a good thing that you let yourself cool off and get your thoughts together rather then explosively going off on him in the car. Give yourself props for this and you truly are approaching it in the right way. Maybe you'll find that in the end FI likes that you are asserting yourself, and maybe admitting a little (healthy) jealousy will boost his ego and he'll be more reassuring than you thought......he'll definitely feel wanted & loved though because if he wasn't you wouldn't be jealous in the first place!

 

We love you too

[YaelM]

I 100% agree with everything Josie said - its what i wanted to say but she worded it much better than i could have

 

Let us know how everything goes

[BlissfulMsMiranda]

Aw JOSIE thank-you so much. Really, you've been so insightful, just what I needed to hear.

 

I actually feel quite calm at the moment, and I've been all twitchy and nervous for most of the day. But, the more I think about it, the more I think it'll be alright. And I do think it's good we've both had time to calm down and collect our thoughts ...

 

I'll definitely keep you guys posted as to how he reacts tonight and how things go ... hopefully we won't be at it all night. We were supposed to go see a movie tonight, but he suggested we stay in and discuss things instead....

 

Thanks for all the good vibes and support girls ... xoxo

[Sloan]

Eeee... I wouldnt like the 45 minute wait while they're "getting to talking" Im a spaz, so I probably would have just gone in there and said time to go, wife is waiting! Can he not just see her for PT and then go to a good RMT (registered massage therapist) for his massages? My PT never did massages for me. Just a thought. Hope you can talk things out with him.

[JOSIE]

PS: Great sign that he is ammenable (sp?) to the talk and even suggested it nicely

[Duchess]

Glad you are feeling a bit better. Don't doubt your inner voice. Your hubby is probably still being a great husband, and I wouldn't doubt him on that. But to your point, you get an icky vibe from her, and thats how a marriage goes. You aren't jealous whenever he talks to a girl (it sounds like your not to me anyway), so even if its not rational, you are totally uncomfortable. Plus guys are dumb, and if she is dressing like that and keeping him late and all that, she might have designs on him (not that he would do anything).

 

When I first saw the post, I thought you wrote psychotherapist and I was like, oh a psychologist might be pretty but is on the up and up. When I saw phsio (ie physical therapist I am assuming) I totally felt where you are coming from.

 

You sound like a reasonable girl, and I think that works to your advantage. If you say, look, I don;t confront you that often, so this is very important to me, etc, it should work...

 

Good luck!