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Domestic abuse.. what would you do?


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#1 Royal_lady10

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    Posted 02 August 2009 - 02:29 PM

    I am really unsure what to do right now. The neighbors who reside below us are very active with domestic violence. Although, I dont have any physical proof other than just hearing the woman (new mother) screaming a the top of her lungs crying "Im sorry, I didnt mean it", "dont hit me anymore", "Stop that hurts" and other things of the like. The man yells out "dont make me break your ass in half", give me yo effing keys, you aint going no where", "Im about to knock the sh&^ out of you", "You gon really feel this" etc. I am the only one (that I know of) that calls the police when they start to act like this. The other residents pay it no mind, and take the position that since it is not happening to them, its none of their business. I know this as i have spoken to one who lives next door, and they made referrence to one night, and basically was like she deserves it, since she stays with him. I say this as they were arguing and fighting outside, and everyone outside just watched I have on several occasions called on them only for her to deny it. So today when they started up in the am, it carried on until the afternoon, I was torn as to whether or not to call the police, becuase whenever I do, it does nothing. At least thats what I think. I know I cant make her leave him, make him get help, or anything of the sort. They have a newborn, and I fear for the safety of both the mother and child. I feel so bad for this woman, as I have never been a victim of domestic violence, but I know people that have, and I think that maybe by me calling could one day save her life. . Basically, I could call and know that she woudl deny it, or be forced to hear it. Sorry but I just had to get this out as it is bothering me. Am I taking this too personal, what would you do?

    #2 Jessica

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      Posted 02 August 2009 - 03:43 PM

      I did my counseling internship at a center that served victims/survivors of domestic violence so my feedback is coming from the point of view as a counselor who has heard all variations of stories from women who have been through DV. I think you are absolutely awesome for calling the police. So many people refrain from getting involved. Yes, it's true you can't make her leave, go to counseling, or get help. You can't even make her confide in you. But you can call the cops every single time you suspect something going on. Every time the cops show up on their doorstep is an opportunity that you have provided this woman and her baby with help. So yes, continue calling. Even if she stays, even if there are no charges pressed, even if "nothing" comes out of it, KEEP CALLING!

      The only time I would advise against calling if you feel the violence accelerates immediately after the cops show up. From what you can hear, do you think calling the cops puts her more in danger. If it does then I would be more cautious about when you call them.

      "basically was like she deserves it, since she stays with him" ---> whoever said that is not only ignorant, but a jackass. No one deserves to be abused. NO ONE! There are many reasons a woman stays with an abuser and we can not judge any of them. Maybe she fears he will become more violent if she leaves. Maybe she fears for the safety of her baby. Maybe he has threatened to kill her if she leaves. Maybe her self-esteem is at rock bottom she hasn't found the strength to leave. Maybe she still has hope things will get better. No one knows her reasons and no one has the right to judge the decisions she has made and on top of all no one should ever imply that someone deserves abuse because they are not leaving. She is doing what she needs to do to survive.

      I again, think it's awesome that you are willing to get involved to some degree and think you are doing exactly what needs to be done. Of course, please keep your own safety in mind as well.

      #3 jk1101

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        Posted 02 August 2009 - 04:03 PM

        As a survivor of abuse from an ex, whose neighbors never called no matter how loud I screamed, please keep calling the police. I never understood how nobody listened/paid attention/gave a crap enough to call just once when I was being abused.

        As for the person who said she deserved it, and for everyone who says they would never let that happen to them, you just don't know until you're in that situation. Believe me, I never in a million years thought I'd be there.

        #4 -Kate-

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          Posted 02 August 2009 - 04:07 PM

          I am a prosecutor who works on DV cases. Like Jessica said - KEEP CALLING. Also, call whatever child protective services agency you have in your state. If there is a newborn in that house CPS needs to know. I would call the police every time you hear fighting and call CPS every time too. The squeaky wheel...

          #5 mrsrhbtobe

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            Posted 02 August 2009 - 06:22 PM

            I agree with the other ladies...KEEP CALLING!! You're right that you can't make her leave that cowardly jerk, but you can keep calling the police. Hopefully one day she'll be brave or fed up enough to leave him....and it might just have to be while he's in jail. Thank you for being so brave for her!
            Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.

            #6 FutureMrsLewis

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              Posted 02 August 2009 - 06:57 PM

              I agree with the other ladies, KEEP CALLING! In a past relationship, I remember wishing that someone would just hear me screaming and call the police, and nobody ever did... One day she'll realize that she needs to get out, and the Police will help her. But don't let that ONE day be the day you decide not to call...

              #7 Royal_lady10

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                Posted 02 August 2009 - 10:27 PM

                Thanks ladies for re-assuring (sp) me on what to do.. I was just so afraid that by me calling, would only make it worse. I did call the police in the end. However, by time they got there, he calmed down. But after the cops came, he flared back up a little. I dont think their son was here, because during all of this, I never heard him cry once today. I am pretty sure that they know I am the one that called today.. but I dont care. It needed to be done. I told FI when he got home about it, he mentioned that I should be very cautious since he flared up after the cops. FI agrees with you Jessica on be catious since he flared up after the cops came. I don't want to make the matters any worse for her. I am however going to talk to the apartment manager to alert them about this situation. FI spoke to the guy during passing, and he acted as if nothing happened. You know kind of like just shooting the breeze, but FI wasnt surprised that I called today, since he witnessed them before. FI just doesnt want him to get all crazy and harass me or try something else.

                Jessica-that is why I was debating about calling.. afraid she would get it worse. I didnt want to make it any worse for her. Because of his actions today, I will be more cautious.

                Again thanks ladies for your support on this.. I was so afraid that I would make it worse for her..I really appreciate everyone that voiced their input.

                #8 DGG

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                  Posted 02 August 2009 - 11:14 PM

                  Wow, what a horrible situation to be in - I'm glad you are trying to help - although I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you.. But you may be the only one trying to help her and she really needs help, so I would not give up on her.. I agree with Kate to try to call CPS - they will at least visit the house and talk to the mother - who knows maybe that can help??
                  Do you have any sort of relationship with the woman? Maybe you can go for lunch with her or try to talk to her when her bf/husband isn't there?? You should be careful, but you may be the only one there to help her.

                  #9 jenninjamaica

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                    Posted 02 August 2009 - 11:17 PM

                    You are an awesome person for caring enough to do something! I agree with everyone, keep calling!
                    *~*JENN*~*

                    #10 Royal_lady10

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                      Posted 03 August 2009 - 10:17 AM

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by DGG View Post
                      Do you have any sort of relationship with the woman? Maybe you can go for lunch with her or try to talk to her when her bf/husband isn't there?? You should be careful, but you may be the only one there to help her.
                      The extent of our relationship is not a good one. We only speak when there is a problem at the apartment, and this is always in front of the property manager. I have on several occassions asked to be relocated to another building due to their noise. So no, we have no reason to speak with each other. And I dont think FI would want me to knock on her door, no telling when he may or maynot show up, friends next door may tell him, etc.. So I just stay out of it, other than call the cops. FI did say that she packed some bags late last night.. hopefully she got some help or something




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