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How do you justify it?

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#1 bholthof

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    Posted 24 July 2009 - 10:45 AM

    I'm not sure if this should go here or in the venting area... although I am trying really hard not to make it into a vent.

    I'm wondering how you justify an destination wedding. I mean, its what we want, and if we were to get married in canada, over half our guests would have to travel almost 7 hours anyway... and thats if we did it where we live. At least in Ottawa we have ties to people/places. If we did it where FI family is, we would still essentially be planning a distance wedding... and it would be a lot less meaningful.

    Also, I already know we don't want to invite a lot of people who we would otherwise be required to invite. So in that sense, a destination wedding makes more sense.

    But how do you justify your decision to people who SHOULD be making the effort to be there?

    I recently emailed several members of my fiance's family who we will be inviting to the wedding, asking them thier opinions and thier ideas on where to go, what they would like, etc.

    The stepmom (who is evil, btw) comes back saying "Oh, this place is nice, blah blah blah... why do you want to do it in April?"

    So I say, "Well, we would like to just get married, but anything sooner is too soon to plan to have important family members such as yourselves there. Plus, april is usually slightly cheaper, and it is a little less crowded as it is after peak season."

    So she says, "Well, April means pulling the kids out of school, and we have already started planning our family vacation during March Break as well as a two-week Hawaiian cruise for our 20th anniversary."

    Me: " lol, I doubt the kids would mind being pulled out of school! lol. When is your anniversary?"

    Her: "Yes the kids would mind, you can't expect us to say yes we will go when you haven't decided where or when or how much, and we are planning this Hawaiian cruise, so we at this point we are going to say no we won't come. Plus, how is FI sister going to travel with a four month old, and how is his other sister going to afford it? Just have a wedding here so that the entire family can attend."

    So this upsets me A LOT. I start crying, call the FI, who incidentaly is working halfway across the country, and I get angry.

    I write this.

    First of all, we haven't decided anything. We are trying to get ideas, opinions, so that all of the important people to us can actually make it. We want a small wedding. We don't want hundreds of cousins and family members we never speak to to be there. We only want immediate family and some close friends. Such as Jon's father and siblings.
    You and your family plan several expensive vacations a year. Forgive us for thinking you might want to attend the wedding of Rob's oldest son. So sorry to inconvenience you.
    Going in April yes, does mean pulling the kids out of school, but they will still have two months when they return, and its not like in April there are exams or prom or anything important.
    If we were to push it back to a more convenient time, such as September or October next year, you'd still have to pull the kids out of school. Same issue.
    Children under 2 usually stay and eat and fly for free. Thats not a problem. And as far as those people who are financially unable to make it themselves, we will find a way to help them get there, especially if they are important to us, such as FI's sister. "

    .... I think I may have overreacted a little. But honestly, we don't want a huge wedding taht we are required to invite hundreds of people to. We want to do a destination wedding. And we want Jon's dad and his siblings to be there. We could care less about the stepmom. She's a b****.
    And if we were to drop what we want, I think we would still wind up getting married someplace far away. So... how do we justify it?

    How do we let people know that this is really what we want, and that we want them all to be there? How do we work what we want around what they are demanding? Should we even bother? And if they say they aren't going to be there, should we even care?

    Has anyone changed thier plans about where/when because of family??

    I don't want to become a bridezilla, but I just can't figure out how to make everyone happy - or at least make everyone accept the idea.

    I just want to get married and live happily ever after... is that so much to ask?? Really?
    21 people + Bride & Groom booked!!


    #2 bholthof

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      Posted 24 July 2009 - 10:53 AM

      And do they really need to go on vacation during march break AND go on a two week cruise this fall? Can't they hold off on March break and come to our wedding instead?
      21 people + Bride & Groom booked!!


      #3 The Mandy in Chandy

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        Posted 24 July 2009 - 10:59 AM

        I have found that too often weddings are not a priority for people. Her letter sounded a little nasty, so I don't blame you for being on the defense.

        All I can tell you is to plan the wedding to suit YOU. You can't please everyone anyway, so plan it for you and FI and if anyone wants to/can come, then let them. if they can't, maybe plan an at-home reception if the dozens of cousins and such want to show up.

        Good luck, girl!

        #4 JOSIE

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          Posted 24 July 2009 - 11:02 AM

          First of all, IMO you DO NOT have to justify your choice for a DW. What you do have to understand though, is that not everyone that's important to you will be able to make it, able to afford it, or willing to sacrifice plans in their own life. If you try to make everyone happy, you wind up miserable yourself and if you search through the forum you will see TONS of posts about peoples father, sisters, MOH's, etc all backing out from attending. Try as hard as you can to not let it get to you. Also consider that a lot of people fuss, but in the end they do end up coming and they have a great time.

          I think that you over reacted a little but mainly i just think emailing made it worse because you both were taking previous emails too personally. i completely understand how you feel and that you want it to be the best day of your life and of course you want everyone you love there.........its just that certain people ALWAYS have something to say. I stressed forever about my date and finally decided to do it over a holiday (Thanksgiving) so people would already have time off work (and school) etc.......but i kind of regret focusing so much on everyone else because the truth is.....your wedding is about marrying jon!!!!!!!! make that the biggest thing to you and don't feel the need to justify your plans!!! ITS YOUR DAY!!!!!!!!

          #5 Destination Scout

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            Posted 24 July 2009 - 11:09 AM

            I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sending you a hug.

            Unfortunately, there will always be someone (or someones) who are going to be negative, or not give your wedding a priority. This hurts, but it's important to let it go. You really don't want them there if they don't want to be there. They will just make you miserable at your own wedding.

            Work with those who have legitimate issues or insecurities, but let the rest go.

            #6 bholthof

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              Posted 24 July 2009 - 01:43 PM

              Is it worth it? Is alienating people and causing disappointment to some people and all the heartache involved?
              21 people + Bride & Groom booked!!


              #7 bride7474

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                Posted 24 July 2009 - 01:46 PM

                I completely understand what you are going through! I live in Canada, my family is from the West and FIs family is from the East. My family put up a fuss when I first told them what we had decided, but it is your day and you should be able to do what you want.

                I have never wanted a huge wedding, I would be happy to have our parents there and that is it!

                #8 1elephant

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                  Posted 24 July 2009 - 01:54 PM

                  why justify it? we just flat out said "it's our wedding and this is what we want". if they said, "well you know so and so won't come" we said "our choice is to have our wedding where and when we want it, and their choice is to either come, or not come".
                  lots of people have changed their weddings for their family. i would not.

                  #9 jk1101

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                    Posted 24 July 2009 - 01:58 PM

                    Originally Posted by bholthof
                    Is it worth it? Is alienating people and causing disappointment to some people and all the heartache involved?
                    Only you and Your FI can really decide that for yourselves.

                    Like JOSIE said, I think everyone on here has had some kind of incident with some family member or friend not being available or complaining about where the wedding is or when and why do we have do do it on an island or far away or blah blah blah....

                    If you bend over backwards to please everyone else, will you be having the wedding of YOUR dreams, or the wedding everyone else thinks you should have?

                    What I am learning is that most of my friends are coming, and much of my family is not. FI says that is because we pick our friends. Sad? Yes. True? Also yes. Am I upset? No - they don't come - it's on them - I know that my best friends will be there because they WANT TO. Anyone that doesn't want to come won't and F-them.

                    I know it's really hard when people give you a hard time but stay strong! People sometimes push because they know they can. Don't tell them you're thinking about this or that. Tell them this is when the wedding is and you hope they can come.

                    good luck!

                    #10 ebredhawk

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                      Posted 24 July 2009 - 02:27 PM

                      i know i'm going to echo a lot of what others have already said, but i truly believe there is no reason for you to have to justify your wedding to someone else.

                      there is a thread on here somewhere.. i'll see if i can find it.. about what people learned from planning a destination wedding. i think nearly EVERYONE who posted said that they learned that the people who were meant to be there were there and they learned the truth of a lot of the relationships they were in. if your FI's stepmom is so nasty, would you really even want her there?

                      a few months ago my FI and i had to try to explain to the mother of his daughter why she should allow her to come to the wedding. she flat out told us that unless we got married in the US and it was during her summer break, she wasn't allowed to come. she kept asking the same questions.. why during school, why so far away, etc. etc.. while it breaks my heart to not have my future stepdaughter there.. this is OUR wedding (and one of the few things that we get to do for ourselves!) and to give anyone else control (especially someone so evil) would be a dishonor to our special day.

                      the next time you get a nasty response from her or anyone else, take a deep breath and re-focus on what is really important.

                      and when in doubt, you've got hundreds of girls here willing to hear you out and help you through!!!

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