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Mother in Law

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#1 Jen2113

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    Posted 24 July 2009 - 08:36 AM

    Hey girls,

    I am just looking for some feedback. To make a very long story short, my MIL doesnt like me. Basically she couldnt accept her son writing her off b/c of something horrible she did, so she blamed me saying I was 'putting thoughts in his head' and that I made him write her off. Not true, but not the issue.

    Here is my dilemma:So we are now newly engaged (YAY!) and she gave a HORRIBLE reaction when he called and told her (he didnt even want to call, I made him b/c it's his mother after all! That's how bad it is- they are barely on speaking terms). Basically she was just rude and unexcited. So we are having a destination wedding- which I'm planning with his stepmom and my mom. My fiance and I are paying for the destination; stepmom and my mom are paying for reception when we get home. My question is- how much do I involve his mother in the planning? She is his mother, but he wont even talk to her and she doesnt like me. Am I supposed to be calling her with updates? He doesnt even want to invite her to the wedding!!! I told him he has to. Is it rude if I dont involve her at all in the planning?

    To make matters worse, her bf, who we all like actually- doesnt fly. So he wont be attending, my finance does not want his mother to bring a friend b/c he hates all her friends. Also, our destination is just our friends, parents and siblings. I told my parents they cant bring their friends, so how do I let her bring her friend? How do I tell her she cant bring a date though if her bf wont go and she wants to bring a friend as a date? ugh! I just think it's so rude if I address the invitation to her and her bf and she invites someone else in lieu of him. But is it ruder on my part to say if you dont bring him, you cant bring anyone? HELP

    #2 Inked1

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      Posted 24 July 2009 - 08:57 AM

      I think the desire to involve her and try and cultivate a relationship is understandable, but it sounds like trying to do so will only hurt you in the end. By all means inviting her is the right thing to do, even if your fiance has reservations about that, you and your FI can extend the olive branch with that invitation and leave it up to her to choose to accept it or not. Keep the planning to the people who want to be involved and will enjoy helping you.

      As far as the whole her bringing a friend instead of her significant other....really the only control you would have there is to address the invite to her and her boyfriend and let her RSVP for herself alone. Unfortunately she may bring a friend or RSVP for one anyways, not much you can do about that. Just remind yourself that you two did the gracious thing, and your FMIL is the one who spat in the face of etiquette

      #3 becks



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      Posted 24 July 2009 - 09:47 AM

      I have to agree. Do not involve her in your planning. Best case, she's going to be super critical and make you really unhappy. Worst case, she'll sabotage something. There is no upside there. On the other hand, if she decides to try and make amends and reaches out to offer assistance, let her have something to do - like typing up address labels or stuffing envelopes or something. Nothing that you won't have an opportunity to double check, and nothing that really matters to you.

      Personally, I think you do have to invite her. It's the right thing to do, and who knows maybe she won't come. But I think the idea of sending the invite to her and BF is the way to go - don't say "and guest" or you're going to get the worst of the bunch and the one who is going to back her most negative thoughts.

      Good luck to you! I'll keep my fingers crossed that it gets better!

      Happily married since 2008

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      #4 The Mandy in Chandy

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        Posted 24 July 2009 - 09:53 AM

        I agree with inked. I wouldn't force the issue, especially if she doesn't care to have a relationship with you and he doesn't care to have one with her.

        Maybe if you REALLY want to involve her you could ask her to help you plan an AHR and she can bring her bf since there's no flying involved

        good luck!

        #5 Sloan

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          Posted 24 July 2009 - 02:12 PM

          I agree with Inked. You've done the right thing, but dont force the issue. There's no law that states you have to like your family or family-in-law.

          #6 ashey063009

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            Posted 24 July 2009 - 02:46 PM

            First, I am so so sorry. There is nothing more nerve wracking that not getting along with MIL and trying to include her as much as you can without both of you (or FI) tearing eachother apart.

            With that said, I also agree with Inked-- extend the olive branch with the invite, but definitely don't go out of your way to try and include her when it is not something that you or FI are wanting to do. Involve those that want to be involved, and will be excited and helpful-- not negative, and possibly drama inducing.

            On the "friend" issue-- think of it this way: if she brings along a friend instead of coming alone, there will be someone for her to spend time with instead of potentially being a downer or trying to monopolize you or FI for the week.

            Good luck girl!

            #7 alkoch

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              Posted 24 July 2009 - 03:01 PM

              I agree with everyone, and try not to let her bother you too much. If you want you can send her email updates (that is what I'm doing) that way she can't complain she is not included.

              #8 YoursTruly

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                Posted 25 July 2009 - 04:33 PM

                I wouldnt bother too much about it! I am sure she will be around long enough to cause more drama so send the invite and ensure you address it to her and her b/f. At the end of the day she more than likely wont show but at least she cannot throw not having an invite in your face later.

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