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Long Distance Relationships and Moving

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14 replies to this topic

#1 The Mandy in Chandy

The Mandy in Chandy
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    Posted 21 July 2009 - 04:49 PM

    FH and I met on youtube of all places while making weightloss videos, and now that we're getting married, one of us is going to have to move. We live 500 miles apart. I have a job here, he is graduating college before we get married. My parents recently died, and I am not that close to my siblings. All that holds me here is my job and my family home that my parents left me. My childhood home that means a lot to me.

    FH has expressed that he has doubts about moving down here, but he could never ask me to give up my childhood home. I always assumed (before my mom got sick and died) that I would move to KY to be with him, and just find a job up there somehow. But now the economy is shaky and finding a job AND someone to buy the house would be tough to do.

    But I don't want FH to be miserable here. I love his family and I wouldn't mind moving up there. His mom is wonderful to me and considers me her daughter already. I actually think I'd rather get a fresh start there. But he won't let me give up this home and the uncertainty with the house selling and me getting a job (much less the worry of him getting a job since he is about to graduate) is keeping me from making a decision.

    FH and I have talked about it, and while he has decided to make the sacrafice to move here for me, I still feel this is unresolved.

    To make matters worse, some of my siblings are a little upset that mom left me the house to me and that they aren't getting a huge chunk of inheritance. If I turn around and sell it and profit off of it, that would be wrong, too- wouldn't it?

    I am so conflicted. Any sage advice?

    #2 jk1101

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      Posted 21 July 2009 - 05:44 PM

      I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. This is a tough situation to be in.

      If you have a good job and a place to live, it sounds like that is a good start to a marriage. Both of you having to find a job and trying to sell your home (that has sentimental value) may bring some extra stress.

      Is the house paid for? To start a marriage with no mortgage/rent would be really nice! Are you living in it now?

      Your siblings being upset won't change whether you keep or sell the home...unless you just hand it over to them...which there must be reasons your mom left it to just you.

      On the flip side, if you really want a fresh start, you can put the house up for sale and see what happens, and put feelers out and see if there are any jobs for you and him in FI's city. You're almost a year away from the wedding, so you do have some time on your side. The most important thing is that you're together, and you're both happy with your decision.

      Personally, I'm a big fan of Pro/Con lists.
      You can make one for you moving and one for him moving and see which one comes out with more Pros- it's always easier when you see things on paper.

      Good Luck!

      #3 CrystalM

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        Posted 21 July 2009 - 06:05 PM

        I second the pro/con list. Have him help or do his own...

        Moves don't have to be permanent. If he moves to where you are and hates it, in a few years you can always move to where he wants. My fiance is from Cali and I'm from Mich. We met and live in Tenn. We're considering moving away from Tenn.
        I have a fabulous photographer I can share in the United States Virgin Islands in late April/early MayP.M. if interested!http://img.weddingco....pvbh7hxc5u.png

        #4 Alyssa

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          Posted 21 July 2009 - 06:15 PM

          well first of all i am really sorry about your parents

          my advice is to have your FI move there, you can start your marriage off in a home with little to no mortgage, you already have a job and MOST OF ALL you can be newlyweds without the added pressure of his family (as wonderful as they are) being around all the time. if you both haven't lived in the same city, and obviously under the same roof - you are going to have a huge period of adjustment after making that change.

          having a couple of years to yourselves will most likely be a GREAT thing for your stability as a couple and help you build a strong foundation by having to lean harder on each other.

          then after a couple of years (and when things settle down more with your siblings), when the real estate market stabilizes, put the house up for sale and move to where his family lives.

          when are you planning on having kids? if you plan to wait a couple of years this would be especially great timing for you guys to just save and have fun experiences together before you move to KY.

          good luck with everything!

          #5 Kat81

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            Posted 21 July 2009 - 06:51 PM

            I was just about to say what Alyssa did.

            Just because he is moving down there doesn't mean you have to stay there forever. It just sounds like a more stable plan for now. Then after a year or two you guys can make a new plan.

            I am so sorry about your parents.

            #6 Destination Scout

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              Posted 21 July 2009 - 06:59 PM

              This is such a tough decision. I had to make the same one when my husband proposed to me. It sounds like you've received some good advice about making the pros/cons and having him move to give you some alone time. My only extra input is to question whether you both are truly willing to move. If one of you isn't honestly open to moving because that is probably the stickiest question.

              #7 The Mandy in Chandy

              The Mandy in Chandy
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                Posted 22 July 2009 - 08:38 AM

                Thank you all for the advice, it sounds more reasonable when you hear it from someone else instead of constantly second-guessing yourself.

                Luckily, the house is paid for but eventually I will have to get a $40k equity loan to pay my mom's grandkids $10k each for their inheritance, which is fine by me- but for now I am rent/mortgage free, and that feels nice!

                FH is more than willing to move for me as I am for him, I just don't want him to be miserable here. I have let him know that the option for us to move is ALWAYS on the table, and I'll go where he goes. Also, his parents have considered retiring down here. I feel more confident today that it'll all work out. Thanks for the reassurance gals! You are the best!

                #8 YoursTruly

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                  Posted 22 July 2009 - 09:24 AM

                  I think th girls have given great advice. Just wanted to wish you well!!

                  #9 The Mandy in Chandy

                  The Mandy in Chandy
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                    Posted 22 July 2009 - 03:29 PM

                    Well I WAS confident everything would be ok but FH brought it up again today.

                    Our convo started like this:

                    Chad says:
                    before I ask, just tell me you will be honest
                    Mandy says:
                    I will
                    100% no matter what
                    Chad says:
                    number one... if I asked you to move to KY, would you?
                    Mandy says:
                    Chad says:
                    number two... if you moved to KY instead of us living here, would you be happy?
                    Mandy says:
                    I can't answer that. I would be happy to be with you but there are too many unknown factors involved. That's not to say I will be unhappy, I just don't know.

                    And he finally told me the reasons he doesn't want to move here (because he wants to be around his parents while he can) and that we could make it somehow.

                    It makes me so nervous. I guess all I can do is pray for the best.

                    #10 NaM

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                      Posted 23 July 2009 - 06:10 PM

                      This is a hard situation. Moving is never easy, especially when so many other factors are involved. I moved from North Carolina to Vancouver Canada with my FI in January and it has been both wonderful and very hard.
                      My situation sounds VERY similar to yours actually. I waited until I graduated college to move here while he already had a job up here (he is from NC too and came up here for his job). We both left a lot of friends and family and it was an adjustment living together. Not having rent or a mortage is amazing!! His job pays for our living expenses and it's without a doubt such a great way to bulk up our savings account and plan for our future. i wound up getting a great job here and although I miss my friends dreadfully, I've meet some really great people here. No matter what you pick it'll be a compromise but that is what marriage is all about. We couldn't be happier to be living together and although we both get homesick we get eachother through because we know we are building our life together.
                      I agree that maybe making a pro/con list might help. You can each pick reasons that are most important to you....ie house payment, close to family, work, etc and make the best decision based on those instead of "where do you think you'll be happier?" because I think that'll be (at least somewhat) a state of mind.
                      Good luck I wish you both the best and that you are both happy with whatever path you take.
                      I promise it's easier after the fact...a lot of talk about moving before hand really freaked me out and I wanted to back out many times but now that I'm here I know it was the right decision!! I couldn't imaagine doing long distance again!

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