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In a tough spot- do I fire a bridesmaid?

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#1 DarcyJAde

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    Posted 30 June 2009 - 11:19 AM

    Ok so I posted a thread a while back a few months after our engagement about an unsupportive bridesmaid. It's now been 6 months, and our wedding is in 3 months. I was friends with this girl from work for over 10 years. We were always close, until my ENGAGEMENT. Now we barely speak, everytime I talk to her she is so NEGATIVE. Negative about everthing, especially wedding stuff. I don't even talk to her about my plans becasue I know she will have something negative to say. I was hoping that as a bridesmaid I would have someone to help and be there for me during the planning. Thank God my other 2 have been supportive.

    #1 She is single and going back to school for her Masters degree, so she is very stressed out and busy. I totally get that.
    #2 We work together and we barely talk at work. The latest development is I planned an outing with a few other co-workers for tonight. I invited her to which she responded maybe, then decided she couldn't go because she had too much homework (which is ALWAYS her excuse these days). Then I found out she made plans with another co-worker to meet at her house tonight to go!! WTF? She didn't even tell me she changed her mind and is going, and I am the one who organized this thing!!! Now I just found our she is not going because of homework.

    I am so confused. I wrote her an e-mail saying, I heard you are going tonight, thanks for telling me considering I am the one who invited you. Then I wrote another one saying never mind I heard you are not going.

    #3 I feel like our friendship is fading, and am pretty sure we won't be friends like we used to be after my wedding. So now I am stuck with having a bridesmaid that I probably won't be friends with anymore


    #2 Dmitri_Markine

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      Posted 30 June 2009 - 11:30 AM

      My cousin had a similar issue a few years ago with his wedding. 3 weeks before the wedding his groomsmen got drunk at some bar and pretty much told everyone that he had feeling for the bride and that's why he was so negative. My cousin had to fire him...

      #3 DanielleNDerek

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        Posted 30 June 2009 - 11:32 AM

        this is a really tough situation because you work with her. If you just fire her than it might make things even worse at work and very awkward. Maybe you can invite her to lunch and have a heart to heart with her. I know your feelings are hurt and maybe she has something going on that is making her act this way. did she already book? if she didnt maybe you can approach her and tell her that you know she has a lot of things going on with school and you would completely understand if she cant make it. that's kind of the easy way out but in your situation it might be the best way to go.
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        #4 JOSIE

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          Posted 30 June 2009 - 11:35 AM

          Darcy - That is a tough one Do you even want to mend things with her, or are you past that point? My gut tells me there is something behind her actions and maybe its worth it to lay it all out there and tell her (in a nice way) how you've been feeling and that you're hurt by her actions.......ask if everything is OK with her or if she is upset with you?

          But if you truly feel like it's not going anywhere and you don't see mending things or wanting to maintain a close relationship with her in the future, then I wouldn't waste your time with it!

          #5 rodent


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            Posted 30 June 2009 - 11:44 AM

            the wedding is in 3 months...are trips booked? if she is booked to go I would not fire her as a BM.

            #6 mich999

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              Posted 30 June 2009 - 12:48 PM

              I don't think I would fire her, especially since you work with her. I'd just pretend she's a regular guest who happens to be wearing a bridesmaid dress so you don't get upset anymore and be glad that you have other bridesmaids that care.

              #7 koolatta

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                Posted 30 June 2009 - 12:50 PM

                I feel your pain. Its crazy how the people you thought would be there for you suddenly change. I am going through a similar situation. Like Morgan said, I would not fire her if she already has gone through the trouble of getting a dress, tickets, etc cause even if she would attend the wedding as a guest think of how awkward it would be...yikes. Have you tried asking her if she is feeling pressured about being a BM. Perhaps she wants to back out, but is afraid to tell you. I did that whith my cousin in the early stages and she indeed backed out when I gave her the opportunity and told her there was no pressure since she had a lot on her plate already.

                Hope this helps and remember - Dont let anyone ruin your day.

                21 + Bride & Groom Booked!!

                #8 DarcyJAde

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                  Posted 30 June 2009 - 01:08 PM

                  She hasn't booked yet, but 32 other people have. I paid for her dress also. She hasn't done anything. There were several other people at work interested in coming to the wedding that needed a roomate. So, I told her that so and so was looking for someone to stay with (because she needed someone and hadn't booked yet). Then I heard from someone else she was offended that I was trying to find her someone to stay with. I felt like I was only trying to help. Needless to stay those people went ahead and booked without her becasue she was dragging her feet.

                  I did have a heart to heart with her a few months back and didn't really get anywhere. I asked her if she still wanted to be a bridesmaid and she said YES. So I suppose I will do what Mich said and pretend she is a regular guest in a bridesmaid dress. I think we are alsmot past the point of mending, unfortunately. I did try.

                  [/SIGPIC] 40 PEOPLE BOOKED!!!

                  #9 mich999

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                    Posted 30 June 2009 - 01:23 PM

                    It totally stinks - especially since you work with her, she should be the person you're having fun conversations with every day! But I had a longtime friend who although she remains a good friend, just wasn't very good bridesmaids and I tried to separate the two. Once I started thinking of her as a guest who was wearing the same dress as others, I felt better and just ignored that she wasn't doing what she was supposed to do (or at least tried to ignore it - I still complained of course to my other bridesmaids!!). I found it freeing to no longer expect much from her other than attending the wedding. I hope the same approach works for you. Good luck!!

                    #10 ~Nicole~

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                      Posted 30 June 2009 - 01:25 PM

                      Hmmm.... I agree with what the other girls are saying that it would be awkward to fire her but I just wanted to bring another perspective here. In my recent experience with friends getting married, it seems like it changes people temporarily. I'm not saying its right because in my mind a true friend is supportive, etc, but I think some people have a really poor way of handling their emotions and it wouldn't matter what you did to try and get her to open up, she would still remain "negative". I think its a personality thing. As horrible as it is to have someone in your wedding party that truly doesn't seem interested, you may find that after the wedding she snaps back to her normal self. Would you be willing to mend your friendship then? I dunno, I'm not standing up for her, she's definitlely out of line, but its just something to think about. I hope it all works out for you.
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