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What would you do if you found

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#11 Sapphire723

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    Posted 22 June 2009 - 08:54 AM

    I'm another who has all her old letters and pictures from her ex. However, I store the letters in a box at my parents house. To me, it was a 3 year chunk of my adult life which is significant. If I destroy everything, then I've lost all that. However, I know why exes are exes, and there's no danger of me pining after them instead of focusing on my man.

    I would definitely ask him before tossing them, because if he does notice, then it makes you look insecure and a little crazy jealous.

    #12 *Heather*


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      Posted 22 June 2009 - 10:11 AM

      I've had this happen. I just told FI that I found them because I knew he probably didn't even know he still had them. I didn't tell him to throw them out, but I just said that if he wanted to keep them, maybe he could put them in a box in our storage unit or something so that they aren't hanging around in our home in front of my face. I left it up to him what he wanted to do and he did end up throwing them out anyway - this girl had been contacting him non-stop while we were dating so I think he didn't really have any fond memories of her left anyway!

      In my opinion you have to let him decide - don't throw them out for him.

      #13 YoursTruly

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        Posted 22 June 2009 - 10:29 AM

        I am they type that would not be upset about stuff like that. It represents a part of the past, a significant one. FI is with you and that is all that matters. That said, if he kept like photos and other stuff that is totally out of line, I would probably ask that he discard of that, but in general we are human and it is nice to know that you or he are loved. It is a total "memory lane kind of thing". BUT if he saves the letters and stuff AND still communicates, etc, then I would say, the crap has to go!

        #14 Ana


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        Posted 22 June 2009 - 10:44 AM

        I had a similar situatin with my husband when I first moved in only i found pics. I talked to him about it though, he said that they were not an issue for him and he took all of them and threw them away. But that was his decision. I think you should try doing the same. Talk to your FI, tell him how you feel and how you felt finding them, and ask them what he wants to do with them. I agree with Alyssa that as much as you want to throw them away, you should probably let him make that decision b/c its not really your place to throw them out.

        #15 ~Nicole~

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          Posted 22 June 2009 - 10:51 AM

          I definitely think that you should leave it up to him as to what he wants to do with that stuff. You're right, he probably doesn't even know he has it, but to me its a respect thing. I am big on the mutual respect in my relationship with FI and I just think its so important. Besides, if you threw them out behind his back you wouldn't want that to come to light down the road. Even though he probably will want to throw them out anyways, at least you're making it his decision by talking about it. Good luck!
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          #16 DanielleNDerek

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            Posted 22 June 2009 - 10:53 AM

            about 6 months after dh and i moved in together, my dad cleaned out my parents basement and brought over 3 boxes that were mine. Well i had no idea what was in the boxes but it turned out they were old pics and notes from old boyfriends. dh was pretty upset that i kept them. but honestly i didnt even remember keeping them and i know i didnt box them up and put them in the basement while i was with dh it was b4 that. i'm sure your fi has no idea he still has them. i would just tell them you found them. Let him decide what he wants to do with them.
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            #17 ebredhawk

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              Posted 22 June 2009 - 10:56 AM

              you know, my gut instinct was to say "he hasn't seen them in years, he probably forgot about them, just chuck em if it'll make you feel better"... but now reading everyone else's posts, i'd give them to him (with some other things you may have found) and tell him he can do what he wants with them. i think it would make me feel better to watch him throw them out, than to do it myself and always wonder why they were still there. that way you get some closure with it, rather than always having those in the back of your mind.

              #18 JOSIE

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                Posted 22 June 2009 - 10:57 AM

                OK this is just me and my relationship.......but I know I could throw them away and be honest with FI about it. I'd say something like "Hey babe, i was cleaning and found stuff from your ex, I figured you definitely didn't want it around so I threw it out.........I knew you wouldn't care". And just Me and MY FI.....he'd be totally fine with that, as long as there was no fight and I wasnt bitching or freaking out.

                I do like the idea of putting them IN the trash (or gathering them in a box) and telling FI and letting him actually throw them out or take the trash out....that way he is sort of involved.

                If you say he'd never know and doesn't know he has them then just throwing them out is fine too. If he ever did realize they were gone, he'd probably just figured HE threw them out years ago anyway.

                Keep us posted!

                #19 BillysBride

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                  Posted 22 June 2009 - 08:49 PM

                  Hmm..I must be odd. I don't keep any of my old boyfriends stuff. I don't have a need. I am VERY well aware of the past mistakes I've made. I have some old wedding photos in ONE album (one of the 4 x 6 kind) and I keep it because it's photos of my first wedding and of sentimental value because my father iss gone and he got to walk me down the aisle. Otherwise? I doubt I'd care in all seriousness. I have people tell me all the time that I should keep them for "reflection" and all that noise....aah..don't care to reflect on that portion of life's program. Lived it, done with it, have no need to rehash it. We had a lovely convo about 5 yrs after our split where we put a lot of stuff to rest and to be honest? I'd recommend the guy to a friend-he just wasn't for me and especially not at that point in my life. I don't need pics of our travels together, us enjoying each other, etc to remind me of the lessons I learned, so I'm not sure that argument would hold up if Billy tried to tell ME that mess.

                  I've found old pics/letters. This was EARLY in the relationship when he first moved in, they were boxed in with stuff from his "party" days. He truly didn't realize he had them, and didn't hesitate to not only throw them out, but make a gesture of it to me by throwing them in with some leaves we were burning that day. hahahaha..he said he knows "females" and that he knows that it would probably bug him too so thats why was doing it. He's right. If he wanted to keep stuff from some chick he used to know-there better be a good reason for it. It was dating, not marriage, she's not the mother of his children or something else where he needs images of her to pass on. Theres just no reason for it to me, but I'm notoriously harsh so .....lol.

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                  #20 eloping789

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                    Posted 22 June 2009 - 09:07 PM

                    Same thing happened to me cleaning out the spare bedroom. Not only did I find cards and letters, but also all the wedding stuff that they didn't use (she dumped him 2 months before the wedding). They'd been broken up for a few years and he pretty much just got rid of all the staring you in the face evidence of her, but anything stuck in the back of a cabinet or closet was still hanging around. I just set it all in a box of stuff that he needed to go through since I was cleaning out the room. He took it all to the trash and tossed it. We still have some of her baby/childhood pictures hanging around because they are the sort of pics that probably weren't doubles and couldn't be replaced so I told he should really try to get them back to her. I'm hoping we can manage that by the time we move or something. LOL!

                    Most importantly, I wouldn't assume that this is any attempt by your FI to hide something from you or hang on to her in some way. The more likely reason they're still there is because he shoved them there a long time ago so he didn't have to see them (of course he wasn't ready to toss them then) and then forgot all about them. I would just hand them to him, say you found them while cleaning and he should probably sort through whatever is there to decide what he wants to keep. I suspect he'll toss it all. :-)

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