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FHs family wants an AHR, we don't...

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#1 DRB

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    Posted 19 June 2009 - 12:13 AM

    I'm sure that others have had this problem, and I feel bad calling this a vent because I absolutely adore my future in-laws and their heart is in the right place but we have a little issue right now. FH and I have always wanted to have a DW because we just aren't at-home wedding people and we didn't want all of the hoopla involved with a reception at home. Well FHs parents keep bringing up having an AHR and we really don't want one!

    They say that they want to be able to share our happiness with everyone who can't make it but the thing is the money would be coming out of the money that they are going to give us. I don't want to come across as a bitch or selfish but there are other things that we would rather put that money towards (although I realize that it's their money and they can do what they want with it). We really need a car and we'd rather put the money towards that. Plus, everyone that we really care about will be coming to our wedding in the DR or they live on opposite ends of the country (my family is from the maritimes, FHs from BC) so they wouldn't come to an AHR anyways. I know that the people who would come could really care less about our wedding or would just come because our parents went to their kid's weddings. It just seems like such a waste of money especially because I know my parents and FHs parents and a simple BBQ wouldn't do. It would turn into some swanky reception!

    To make matters worse (or I guess another argument that we have against it) our good friends who are also in our wedding party are getting married 2.5 months after us at the end of April (and we're in their wedding party) and FH's parents want to have the AHR at the start of May. I just think that this would be so rude to our friends! It would be like saying "well now your wedding is over, we want all of the attention on us AGAIN". Plus I feel like people might think it's just a gift grab whereas we don't want any gifts! We've owned a condo together for almost 3 years, have our "kid" (Great Dane ) together etc. so we don't need anything.

    How can we convince them to not have an AHR without seeming selfish or ungrateful? We've tried telling them a few times but it hasn't worked yet

    #2 McToasty

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      Posted 19 June 2009 - 08:09 AM

      That's tough Mel, and i *do* sympathize with you. FI and i chose a DW for the same reasons as you - $ and we're not the schmoozing type. His mom is very religious and he mentioned that she'd want a Hindu ceremony, so i said sure why not? There was going to be a small lunch afterwards. One day we were on the phone and in passing he mentioned that they might be getting a banquet hall because there would be over 100 people coming. :o what was that? lol i totally freaked. i shared with FI and, unfortunately, he couldn't understand where i was coming from. and i see his perspective - his parents would foot the cost and they would plan it all, so what's the big deal? but from my point of view - our reason, or at least my reason for having a DW is because schmoozing can sometimes make me feel very anxious, and at my wedding i want to just have fun, not have to worry about making sure other people have a good time. plus, it was a bit of a control issue - it's kind of nice to not have to worry about stuff, but when it's totally being planned without any consideration of you and what you want, it made me feel like it wasn't even our wedding.

      sorry a bit of a rant. is it a given that the $ would have been given to you? if so, would it be an option to sit down with them, share with them a list of expenses that you guys have planned for based on the financial gift amt you guys spoke about? kind of a, "we really appreciate that you want to throw us a party, but we don't want you to spend so much... " then they might offer that they've already put aside money for you and FI, whether it be in the form of a gift of a party, and that's when you can throw in that "that's so generous of you. there are a few big purchases we'd need to make in the near future. it's your money so it's entirely up to you, but we feel that, given the cost of an AHR and our future expenses, it might be more practical to put it twds something more long-term".

      I totally see your hesitation though because you know they mean well and by rejecting their gift, it might seem selfish or ungrateful, but i think it's more that you guys want to make the most out of the $, whether it's yours or theirs. It can be framed as you guys being selfish/ungrateful, but also just as easily that you would looooove to have both, but if you had to choose, you'd rather it be something that is more permanent. In this economy, we all *need* to be more practical to make the most of what we have.

      I hope things work out for you!!! Let us know! Whatever you decide, we support you all the way!

      #3 IslamoradaBride

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        Posted 19 June 2009 - 11:00 AM

        I am kind of in the same boat-- didn't want an AHR (my family is spread all over the country so it wouldn't even work for my side) but DH's family insisted. It's going to be a party for all of his side's extended family andfriends that couldn't make the trip. I will probably know a handful of people there & honestly I'm a little freaked out about it. But it's their decision-- they want to include all of their friends/family. It's their money so all I said was, sure! Where do I show up?

        #4 DRB

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          Posted 19 June 2009 - 03:07 PM

          Thanks ladies, it's nice to see that I'm not in the same boat, although it would be better if none of us would have to worry about this! They haven't even decided to throw one for sure yet and I'm already stressing!

          We're going over to FHs parent's place on Sunday for Father's Day and my parents will be there too (our parents get along great and are friends now) so we're going to talk to everyone about it. Wish us luck!

          #5 Virg

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            Posted 19 June 2009 - 03:23 PM

            Mel! Hello from a fellow Ottawa Bride (btw that siggy pics looks like it was taken in the market )
            We are in the same boat, but it is my parents that want th AHR, his side of the family is still irked that we are having a DW, even though my FI's family is in NB, and mine are in QC... anyway, So we are just going to have a celebration supper at a restaurant (individuals paying for their own meals) in the respective towns, a month or 2 after the actual wedding. We also agreed to bring our photo albums to family reunions and Xmas parties this year...lol its a bit showy, but everyone is happy.

            I hope you can find a similar solution
            Happily Ever After: June 1, 2006
            Made it legal : June 30, 2009


            #6 Sloan

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              Posted 19 June 2009 - 04:51 PM

              We had both friends and family complain that we weren't having an AHR. Our response to that was if they were going to plan and pay for it, then sure we'd love an AHR, otherwise too bad. An AHR wasn't part of our DW plan and people needed to respect that.

              #7 YoursTruly

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                Posted 20 June 2009 - 08:28 PM

                People need to understand that a wedding is not what THEY want but wht you and your FI want. They need to respect that and go with your flow. If they do not support you after explaining your reasons and decide not to gift you then maybe their heart is not in the right place after all.

                #8 destination

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                  Posted 21 June 2009 - 08:39 PM

                  It was really important to DH's parents to have an AHR, less so for my mom but she wanted one. We got what we wanted (DW) and they have agreed to pay for the AHR so we agreed to show up. Everyone is happy. We just felt like this is very important to them, so we'll do it, afterall they have been looking forward to this our whole lives too and chose to be very supportive when we went for a wedding that was far less traditional than what they would have chosen for us.

                  #9 stefnicole

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                    Posted 21 June 2009 - 09:53 PM

                    We had one, even though I didn't want to. But my DH's parents couldn't make it to Hawaii (health problems), nor did any of his extended family. So the AHR was more for his parents than anyone else. So, we budgeted for it, and threw a little party for them. And they really enjoyed it, so I'm glad we ended up having it.

                    #10 DRB

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                      Posted 24 June 2009 - 05:02 PM

                      So we went to FHs parent's house on Sunday and when we got there he didn't want to bring it up since it was Father's Day. Ok, that's fine but don't tell me you're going to do it on Sunday then!!! Argh, hopefully we can sit down and talk to them about it this weekend. I'll keep you updated...

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