8 replies to this topic

[YoursTruly]

Okay ladies---This a long rant..but its keeping me up the past few nights and it really shouldn't. We have heard the stories before of the evil in-laws. Here is my story to share. My husband's mother and I are not close and personally I welcome it being that way because from the beginning I recognized she and her daughter are not nice, genuine people so my instinct always told me to not get close and this was the best thing I could ever do. But my issue is that because my husband is VERY close to his family,over time, it will put a strain on our marriage as he does not recognize how manipulative his mother is so when I have said things to him he brushed it off as if it was not that serious and has even gone so far to say I am trying to be divisive. To add fuel to fire, recently I was informed that the MIL was undermining me to my hubby's stepmom (the MIL can't stand the stepmother so why is she trying to make nice with her now) who lives 1000 miles away in Canada and whom she has always talked bad about because my hubby's father passed his mom over on the marriage front so his mom is still very bitter after all these years IMO. It is quite interesting…the shenanigans that go on…
My issue is should I gently put his mom in her place for the final time--and add that with exception of her relationship w/her grandson, please leave my name out of her mouth?? Forever I may be a quiet person but I am not afraid to stand up when I have had enough…..I did soul searching and have come up with NO reason why this woman would act the way she has but IMO, I have severall justifiable reason to not want anything to do with her. To give you some background:

For those familiar with Jamaican culture, the only son is like God himself. Enters me, "The Girlfirend" , now wife left stage. As far as his family is concerned, I guess their "gravy train" was drying up and they feel/have always felt threatened by my presence. Every time I turn around they had a "tude" with me for whatever reason and walked around with their nose turned up, like I owe them something and I must bend over backwards to please them. The MIL has :

- told me me she had to"PRAY" over a thanksgiving invite to dinner from my family (last time I checked you 300+ frame looks like you never missed a meal, so what is there to pray over other than saying Grace)??
- canceled the morning of my pay-per-head Baby shower when I was pregnant with her grandson
-Declined to attend her grandson's Christening (WTF) . Mind you she was church secretary at the time so she knew all the details months in advance. Told me she had a choir event
- made the excuse that she had school when we first told her about the wedding Plans - AGAIN WTF??!!
- does not drive but finds her way to any church event in America, however, can't find her way 40 miles south to see her grandson. And is giving the impression that I don’t bring my son to see her.

So she wondered why I NEVER included in her in one IOTA of my wedding plans. We even paid for her broke ass to come to the wedding. That was where I drew the line because if they had their way they would have wanted us to pay for the sister and her son to come. These are all grown ass people!!! And it does not matter what the event is, they never have the funds..unless it’s a church event.


I know there are two sides but cmon already, I cannot honestly think of one thing I have ever done to these folks for them to dislike me. Everyone else seems to have gotten the memo that between studies, working mom with a demanding career -50 hours per week, having a small child (that is also sickly), cooking, cleaning, educating, being a sister, wife, friend, daughter, etc..etc--my PLATE IS FULL!!! So how dare she act like I keep her from seeing her grandson or husband?? Or that I have the time to suck up to them?? PUHLEEZE!!!

I know I may sound fed up and I am. I raised this in counseling once already and I will have to revisit this again. Cause as I always say, the person whose family is always starting shit needs to handle it and this crap I can see will continue forever with these trifling folk. Thanks for hanging in there if you have to read this OVERLY long rant!

[JOSIE]

LOL I'm impressed with myself - I made it all the way through! I understand your frustrations and if it were me, I would distance myself, plain and simple. Don't get them a REASON to talk about you.......just stay completely out of everything. Be cordial, and let your husband be the mediator and he can convey events they are invited to and give them all the details. You can only put yourself out there so many times before you have to realize that things aren't going to change. Whatever her issues are, I doubt they will get any better if you put her in her place....it will most likely give them reason to say MORE negative things about you.

I would just go on, with the attitude that you're going to live your life, and they can choose to be a part of it, or not. If they are not attending events involving your son, then THEY are sacrificing that relationship with him, and if it is not important to them that they build a relationship with your son, then what does that say?

Your DH needs to step in and be the mediator here and ahve a heart to heart with his mom and sister and explain to them that he's a grown man with a family now and that is his priority. He needs to spell out everything you've done for them and tell them that you've tried to fit in, and they need to stop making you feel uncomfortable.

The reality is, we're all forced to be around people we do not get along with. Everyone on this forum probably has one person whether it be family of friend or whatever that they could definitely live without........but in this case it's not an option, so just put some space in between and be cordial and friendly, and that's it. Don't go out of your way for them and don't throw a fit when they act this way.....it only feeds their fire!!!

Good Luck!!

[McToasty]

haha that was quite a long post, but it really does help to get it out, esp if you don't want to end up venting even more to the FI. it sounds like it's been so frustrating for you!!! i can't even imagine dealing with a FMIL like that. it's actually very overwhelming just to read that. sh*t.. has it always been like that? i totally know what you mean by it being a potential strain on the marriage in the future. i have really little patience when it comes to dealing with people who are just not-nice for no reason, so i don't want to give you any advice. hahaha.. but know that you're not alone. i love the show Outlaw In-Laws on Slice network!

i hope things work out for you! keep us posted. *hugs*

[BillysBride]

Whoa.....there is a LOT going into the pot on this one. NONE of which is your fault, but because this situation did not happen overnight and there is an entire lifetime of culture and mindset at work here, you'll have to tread carefully.

I agree with Josie..distance. Your actions can speak just as loud, if not louder, than words and your husband will NOT be able to take issue with it. He's close to them...and has had a lifetime of positive experiences with them. It will be hard, if not impossible to get him to see that they are truly going out of their way to hurt/slight you. ONE DAY, he'll see it because thats the way this kind of crap goes down eventually. When they can't make a dent in the two of you as a couple, sooner or later, the facade starts to wear thin....the question is, will you have let them drive you insane before then? It's not worth it girl.

You can't change the love he feels for them. What you CAN do is stay as unemotional and detached as possible, for two reasons. When we come from a place of hurt and anger, men tend to think we're just being women. "Divisive" as your DH put it. Like you are just throwing salt because you don't truly understand them. I say take the tact of removing yourself emotionally from their antics. Believe me, that will bug the shit out of them far more than any speech you make. They WANT you to blow up so they can point fingers and talk about how they have tried to be welcoming but nothing they do will satisfy you and you are determined to believe they are out to get you.

I'd be pure honey with vinegar in my veins to their asses from here on out. Expect the snubs, smile and extend the invites anyway. BE HAPPY when they turn you down. You don't want their asses around anyway! You're the bigger person and LOOK like the bigger person when you keep reaching out. I mean it...let them dig their own hole, then sooner or later, you'll get the pleasure of seeing them trip all over themselves landing in it.

I know it's hard. I KNOW, believe me. I'm lucky to have a great FMIL now, but it was not always so and it takes a LOT to take the veiled insults and the lack of true understanding from your hubby. But believe me, step back and consider how these people SHOULD NOT be a huge part of your life or your thoughts...don't give them any more power than they deserve, which is nil. Not a damn bit. Do all you can to relegate them to the back of your mind where they belong. Don't give them the satisfaction of taking up your mental space cuz I guarantee you they aren't losing sleep over YOU. Love your man, and your child--they are the only part of that family you need to be worried about.

[YoursTruly]

Thanks Savannah! Gurl i can always count on SOLID, on- point advice...you obviously lost your calling chica!!! You should be up there next to Dr. Phil (lol).

Thanks so much...I could not have said it better. I KNOW I should not give them any power, but when you are sensitive in nature it is hard ....But I am working on the sugar with vinegar in the veins..LOVE IT!!!!

[ACDCDCAC]

wow! you've gotten some good advice so i wont give any but i just wanted to say im glad you have us to open up to thats what were here for so vent away whenever you need

[DanielleNDerek]

I really like the advice Savannah gave you. I couldnt say it any better so i wont. Goodluck with the inlaws.

[BillysBride]

LOL, Dr. Phil would be in litigation if he had me sittin next to him....I'd end up making half his patients ledge jumpers.

[itsfinallyhere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillysBride LOL, Dr. Phil would be in litigation if he had me sittin next to him....I'd end up making half his patients ledge jumpers.

LOL, Or would he be the one to jump?!? I have to agree with these girls they are absolutely correct. Stay away! Good Luck and hopefully the issues be get farther and fewer bewteen.